Aug 19, 2009 | Personal
We sat alone in the bedroom on that fated early evening four years ago.
It was the day after I’d seen the message come through on his cellphone: “I want to be with you.” That was the day that everything fell into place for me, the day the lights came on.
He’d been talking about moving out, about us being formally separated, so I knew that’s what he wanted and I gave him a choice. He either stayed to try to work things out or he left, and our 15 years together would be over. Forever.
He chose to leave.
I didn’t want to spend another night under the same roof as someone merely pretending to be my husband and I asked him to pack and go immediately.
I was plunged into sudden, terrifying darkness and for nearly 3 years I lived in the miserable pit of depression, barely able to function. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think. I could just about breathe and make it through from one minute to the next.
When my therapist told me: “There’s life after divorce, you know”, I wanted to spit in her face. I was alone in my despair, angry with him, angry with HER, angry with myself, angry for my children and oh so tired.
I listened to the lies being told; I endured the condemnation from his family. I had no energy to vindicate myself. I didn’t see the point.
It’s taken every ounce of courage and strength I didn’t know I possessed to dig myself out of that hell hole, to start claiming back my life and regain my power. It’s taken four long years to piece myself back together and find peace and contentment, but I’ve done it.
We sat alone in the bedroom on that fated early evening four years ago.
Today, I choose to celebrate my freedom.
Aug 12, 2009 | Kids, Personal
After a rather revolting 10 days of being horribly sick, I’m back in the saddle. I won’t go into any gory details right now, I’m just grateful to be healthy again!
But, sadly – very, very sadly – I missed Son#1’s matric dance last Saturday. I’m (still) absolutely heartbroken about this and pissed off that I couldn’t be there on his big day. I’m sorry, angel xxx
I managed to get a couple of photos though … how ridiculously beautiful is my boy?
Jul 3, 2009 | Personal
Well, ok, so I’m just a tad late with getting my New Year Resolutions in place but better late than never, eh?
Don’t judge me.
Alrighty then … I have 6 months to get “stuff” done in 2009 so I suppose I’d better get a few ideas down so I can what’s what in this rather muddled personal life of mine.
Here’s my top 10 of things to do for myself:
- This is absolutely top of my list. Whatever else happens for the rest of the year I AM going to lose the 12 fugly kilograms I’m currently carrying. I shall emerge in December as ripped and sexy as they get. For a 38 year old, that is. I mean, as much as I want to have the beautiful teen bod I used to, I have to be realistic about these things. Mmk, I can’t go back to gym just yet but my goal is to be able to fit into my training kit by the end of THIS month so that from 1 August I can return and keep to a regular workout schedule and even submit myself to the terror of my personal torturer again.
- Unearth all my beads and start making some more jewellery. To say that I have enough beads to open up my own shop is no exaggeration. I have cupboards full of the things! But yeah, it’s been years since I made any jewellery and I used to be a prolific beader. I’ve actually still got some old pieces buried away that I need to get rid of. Hmm … *ponders idea of taking photos for display and selling them from here*
- Paint. My gawd, what the hell is wrong with me? I have canvasses, paints, brushes and walls just screaming out for some artwork! Dammit, I’ve really let my art go for a ball of shit. It’s just a shameful waste of talent. Before the year is out, I’m going to have filled my canvasses and produced work I can hang. There.
- Get my own design going on this blog. Sheesh … you’d never think I run a web business looking at this site! I’m properly embarrassed that I’m using somebody else’s theme here *cringe*. That must change. Eish … what to do though … I seem to have hit a bit of a blank with it, I can’t seem to nail down one direction that I want to take the look and feel in. Feck. Mmk. This may take a little time.
- Write. And no, I don’t mean here on my blog. I mean with actual pen on actual paper. Write. Write. Write. In a place that’s totally secret, about things that are entirely personal, for no-one else but me! Why? Because I want to be a writer. No, not a published author (well, not yet anyway), but a writer. And I need some serious practice, so I’m going to spend at least 30 minutes every day alone and quiet, filling up the notebooks I have bought just for this purpose. And you never know, perhaps one day I’ll even attempt a novel. That would be a dream come true for me.
- Mingle. Once a week. Minimum. I’ve been doing that for the last 3 or 4 weeks – getting out at least ONCE over a weekend and spending time with people I met online who are rapidly becoming really good and close friends. Who would thunk this a year ago, eh? I have to say this again: justB[coz], Twitter and Facebook have changed my life!!!
- In addition to socializing, I’m also going to get out and see at least one movie a month. I went out with Andre last month and we saw Terminator Salvation – the first movie I’ve watched since … ummmm … I honestly can’t remember (the second Pirates of the Caribbean?) and I loved it! Good grief, why don’t I do that more often? Pathetic really. Ooooh … and eat out once a month too. Good plan!
- Pay off my credit card and start saving for a PROPER holiday. I’m just about there – only a few hundred ronds to get rid of and then I’m entirely debt-free (apart from my house and car). Then I’m going to start putting money away and after the next 6 months, I want to have enough to book a bloody good break! The kind where you pack suitcases (plural), get on a plane and fly off to some exotic location and lose yourself in a world of sight seeing and room service for at least 10 days. Yeah.
- Make a decision about my house. I’m either selling up and moving or I’m staying here and renovating, starting with the shit hole of an office outside. Either way, a lot of research is required, tough choices have to be made and then it’s time for action! I *think* I know which way it’s going to go – I just need to confirm some stuff and then get moving on it. Enough dilly dallying already. Something just has to happen now.
- Update my wardrobe. Om my gawd, this is a petrifying thought! I’m the Anti Shopper. But seriously, I haven’t bought any new clothes for years and I’m so not winning any style awards with my frumpy, outdated clothing. Of course, this is all dependent on resolution no.1 being fulfilled. Which it will. (Watch me.) So I have 6 months to psyche myself up and save up for hitting the shops. Endless walking, trawling through clothing racks, mentally fighting with some bitch who picks up *just* the item you want to take, queuing for fitting rooms, trying on a million things, going back to find different sizes, more fitting and fretting in the change rooms, wondering if all the effort and sweat is worth it, leaving 80% of the clothes you chose behind because it all feels like such a crazy waste of time and money. Yeah, I love shopping. Not.
So that’s it … 10 things I want to have done for myself by the end of the year.
Aaaaaaaaand GO!
Jun 22, 2009 | Personal
Or at least, that’s how I feel …
Hmm … I’m just kind of going through the motions in my life right now and not feeling very motivated to put in more energy or effort. Perhaps it’s just because I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping much for well over a month now and I’m starting to feel like I’m running on empty. Buggeration! I don’t know WHAT the problem is, but I keep waking every 2 hours or so – wide-bloody-awake – and then I can’t get back to sleep. It’s damn annoying, I tell you.
I was chatting to Sir G about my “stuck”, going-nowhere-listlessness this morning and he reckons that a lot of it has to do with this house. I think I agree with him. There’s terrible energy here, it’s completely draining! So I need to think more seriously about moving. I put it out of my mind because I believed that I just didn’t have the finances to make it happen, but perhaps it’s time to just bite the bullet and go for it? OMG, I don’t even want to think about what a logistical nightmare that’s going to be!!
In the meantime though, what I *can* do is make sure I get out the house more. I seriously don’t do that enough. I had such a good time at Alba Lounge on Saturday evening – it was so great to meet up with everyone (and to meet some new people), and it once again reminded me how good it is for me to get out and about and hang out with friends … I’m going to make a REAL effort to do more of that. I’m going to go out to movies and eat out at restaurants and invite people to join me! I’m going to be forward and ask people if I can come visit them (wah!) and just generally make sure I’m not stuck between these four walls day after day after day after …
You get the picture, right?
Mmk.
I haven’t really done any of that stuff before because well, I’m basically a single parent at home now and I’ve never felt comfortable leaving my kids at home on their own. As you know, Son#1 doesn’t live here anymore so I’ve been even *more* wary about going out and leaving Son#2 by himself. But, I’ve been chatting to a few people about this and they all seem to reckon that he’s 15 now and old enough to be left on his own for some time, so I can go out for a bit.
So, this is a turning point for me. I’m taking the bull by the proverbial horns and forcing myself to get out of my staying-at-home-all-the-time rut.
Now, I just need some sleep and then I’m good to go.
Wish me luck!
Jun 18, 2009 | Personal
“The only wrong decision is to do nothing.”
I don’t know who said that.
Someone a whole lot smarter than me, that’s for sure.
But those words hit home and today, I acted on them.
As difficult as it was, I know I’ve done the right thing.
Because sooner or later, something has to give.
Jun 8, 2009 | Personal
Words are powerful. Be careful how you use them … what comes out of your mouth has the ability to influence someone’s life and shape who they become.
You’re useless
When I returned empty handed after being sent to look for my step monster’s red handbag – the prequel to being locked in my room to think about what a loser I was.
I could never do this with you – you’re far too fat and ugly
When my step monster spent the afternoon playing dress up with the friend I brought home after school.
Don’t you dare tell your father, you little whiner
You’re big enough and ugly enough to deal with it on your own
You’re such a dog.
If you ever divorce me, you’ll never see your kids again.
You deserved it; I was teaching you a lesson.
What did you expect? If you’d been married to me, I would have slapped you.
She’s just a friend.
“I want to be with you.”
The sms from her that ended it all.
Words. Create. Destroy. Choose.
