I’ve just come back from a 3-hour session at the clinic … 2 hours of Parent Support and 1 hour with my beautiful boy. I’m so exhausted, inside and out. Completely drained.
The Parent Support Group was interesting … and very hard. Hard to share my story, hard to listen to other people share theirs. So much pain. So many broken lives. So much turmoil and distress. And yet we all look so damn “together” on the surface. Hah!
But it was interesting to learn more about the type of treatment our children are all undergoing – the direction it takes and the steps along the way.
That was the first of 6 sessions, so I’ll be back for the second one next Friday and hopefully the X will be there too so he can also find out what the process is and how we can both be the support and strength Son#1 needs (and Son#2).
After the Group, I spent nearly an hour with my boy, gave him some clean clothes, picked up his laundry and watched his eyes light up when I gave him the bag of eats and goodies =)
“Mom, there are some fucked up psychos in here! Do I REALLY need to be here?”
“Yes, my baby, you do.”
*choke back a few tears*
But he says he’s ok, that he’s even started to recognise what one of his problems is. That’s huge progress in such a short time. That’s Step One.
This weekend is going to be really difficult for him, staying in there and not being able to go anywhere. But I’ll be back to see him tomorrow and I’ll take his brother along for the visit too. He also wants a book and some change for the phone because he can start making calls from tomorrow evening.
He’s never hugged and kissed me so much before. I’ve never felt closer to him. I miss him terribly.
B … I’m so touched by this, and I completely understand what you mean when you say that you feel close to me.
It’s taken a mammoth effort for me to blog about some of the crap I deal with – I am by nature a ridiculously private and painfully shy person so to put my life “out there” in the beginning was incredibly difficult. Revealing such intimate details was a leap of faith for me, but it has turned out to be amazing!
I was so nervous … I have serious trust issues and I’ve also lived under the control of someone who did not allow me to have a voice, so this was a real test for me. But it has helped me so, so much. Sharing my story and my life has resulted in me not only fulfilling a life-long dream to write, but it’s also allowed me to connect with people again – something I didn’t think was possible for me.
Slowly, but surely, as I write more and more, I am benefiting from much-needed keyboard therapy and starting to trust again. That may sound weird, but I was so afraid of being shot down again, of being judged and humiliated for some of the things that I express. But my experience so far has been the opposite – people have been so supportive, so understanding and so kind to me.
It’s a baby step … the first on my way back to normality in terms of relationships. But it’s a positive one and I finally feel like I do have a voice, and that I can speak my mind without fear of being punished or ignored.
And I have to say this to you: when I started reading your blog a while back, I found that a lot of what you were writing about resonated with me too … I totally related to your feelings about your ex and some of the run-ins you had with him.
So yes, I guess I feel close to you too 🙂
Hi Dad,
Hanging on for dear life 🙂
And yes, I need to be more prepared for the roller coaster … there’s so much happening right now, with so many unpredictable outcomes, I have to try and stay in my “wise mind” and deal with everything in a way that actually works. That’s pretty hard for me – I have so much shit to deal with – emotionally, physically, logistically, practically – in all areas of my life too. That’s home, me, kids, business, my own work … everything.
I can only hang in there and hang on to the hope that things will indeed come right … but I can’t be complacent about it, I can’t ignore the issues and hope they’ll go away. If anything, the last couple of weeks has shown me just how much I still have to sort out before I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am not nearly over the debilitating pain that’s been holding me back from living my life to the full. I have been so distracted by other people’s drama and all the crap surrounding work that I’ve neglected to resolve my own issues completely and see them through to a final conclusion.
Although I have come a long way, I realise that I still have a lot to work through …
justB[coz]…
I have finally found some spare time this morning to read your AboutMe page and go back in your archives..(i seldom really do thia because of this madcow desease I suffer from besides that i get sidetracked too often)
And after reading … I am gobsmacked.. speachless(hard to do).. and feel almost unbelievably close to you.. confusing, isn’t it?..
So much of what you have done and things that happen to you .. I have do and have happened to me.. like dreaming about my teeth falling out..WTF!?..
My mind is a dangerous place for most people and therefore I don’t share one tenth of what happens in there on my blog.. that brave I am not.. ( My blog is no secret to people who know me and they may have my psych re-evaluated)..
I just want you to know that you have fantastic spirit and even though I don’t know you in person and what you blog about could be bullshit and far removed from reality, I feel the essence of who you are not by what i read by but how you portray it..
Hang in there for the boys and all will be right in the end..
Bug Hug.. Little Hug..
B
Dearest daughter yes hang in there!! Good things always take time, effort and faith to develope.
Be prepared for things to be pretty up and down for quite a while especially with things around you at home and work.
It will come right.
Thank you JOC. I’m hanging in there 🙂
Thinking of you lots. hang in there.
Lots of love always.