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Today was supposed to be good.

Today was supposed to be my time to relax and regroup.

Today was supposed to be about no distractions.

Today was supposed to be stress free.

So far it’s everything BUT ….

Thanks to another blow up with the eldest, I am fighting angry tears of frustration and wondering why I just can’t seem to get a break.

Despite having a conversation with him just a day ago about finances, he phoned and asked for more money (I have already given him quite a bit extra for the school holidays). I said it could come out of next month’s pocket money. Fine, no problem. I emailed the ex to tell him my concern over the boy’s spending habits and lack of financial awareness, asked for his help to try and teach him about living within a budget. The ex is an accountant, so one would think this stuff is second nature to him.

Then he phoned a short while later … Why haven’t I transferred the money to his account yet? I explained that I only had cash and that I didn’t have the money in my account to transfer to him. He could not accept that. He was at the shop and wanted it immediately. I got angry. There was nothing left in my account to transfer. He put the phone down on me. I sms’d him to tell him that he was behaving like a spoilt brat. He responded by telling me to chill, to stop calling him names and that he had put the phone down on me because of my mood swings and that is what he’d been told to do …..

WTF???? What the hell am I supposed to say to that? So I said nothing. I emailed the ex again to tell him the story and asked if he had issued the instruction to hang up on me. I was livid. I left the cash I had promised my eldest in his room, together with a note stating that I would keep my word about that money but that it was the last of what I was prepared to give him, that he should consider the Mom Bank CLOSED. Why the hell should I share my hard-earned salary with someone who treats me like crap? He does NOTHING to deserve it!!

He came home much later, a quick stop to pick up some clothes for the weekend with his father, and wanted to have a quick “chat”. Dad was waiting in the car; I told him it was not the time for a chat. He got really upset, grabbed the cash I had left and threw it down outside saying he didn’t want it. Then he left.

A few hours later I got another sms from him to say he thinks its best if lives somewhere else. I couldn’t agree more! In theory, that’s a wonderful idea, but where? His father, who is never in town, lives miles away from his school and friends. No boarding school will ever accept him.

I don’t know what the solution is; I don’t know why this keeps happening or what to do anymore. Why can’t I get through to him? I’ve had enough of talking, of trying to teach him the right thing, of giving him chances to redeem himself, of being his emotional punch bag. I can’t cope with all the shit he dishes out to me. I’ve had enough of living with someone who is only concerned with their own agenda. If he doesn’t get his own way, if I don’t give in to his every whim, he makes my life miserable. I’m so tired of it. Where’s the change he promised? I can’t change things and I certainly can’t fix anything. And I’m so over talking about it.

It’s all so unnecessary. It’s all so crazy. It’s all so draining.

Years and years of emotional trauma – when do I get a break? Is it ever going to end?

So now it’s lunchtime on my day off and it’s been a rough morning. I managed to drag myself out of bed after a terrible night, get dressed and feed the animals. I was going to go to gym but I am really sore from yesterday’s session, so I’ll have to wait till tomorrow. Pity. That was going to be my outing – gym was going to be my opportunity to get out the house today.

I have a ton of chores to do, my domestic and personal “to do” list is massive. But do I really want to be doing that stuff today? Not a frigging chance. So I guess I’ll sit in the garden and read or something. I have to do something to take my mind off how shitty I feel right now.

Life really sucks sometimes.