Why today sucks

Jul 17, 2008 | Personal

If you’re into re-incarnation and all that, then the only explanation for all the Crapness surrounding me right now is that I must have been a paedophile or a serial killer in a former life.

Yesterday’s sickness has nothing on today’s … I can hardly move my head, I can’t breathe, my throat is on fire, my whole body aches, I can hardly see straight and my eyes look like piss-holes in the snow. I’m boiling, sweating, freezing, shivering, and nauseous.

The only reason I am out of bed right now is because I need to write. I need to spew shit out before I spontaneously combust.

Yes, 28 days seem to have passed already, hormones are raging and anyone who gets in my way today will be taken out.

And I forgot to take my dose of SSRI’s last night – big mistake.

By now you know that my life is a mess. There’s no debating that. It may look *somewhat* organized from the outside but trust me, it’s not, ok?

[Goddam!!! Will someone answer that *%$#ing doorbell already??!!!! Sheesh, it’s been broken for weeks now – it doesn’t ring through to the office outside and I have to keep jumping up every 5 minutes to answer it. Seems like no-one out there has the initiative to pick up the phone to call someone to come and fix it … do I REALLY have to do EVERYTHING myself?!]

*breathe*

Moving on …

So I’ve been writing about how chaotic things are at the moment – too much work, too few staff, a To Do List that would crush dear old (creepy) Martha Stewart, and enough emotional stress to reduce Dr Phil to a whimpering puddle of moosh.

I’m trying to turn things around. I’m trying to get out of the ruts – plural. Personal and professional hamster wheels buried six feet under. And getting nowhere. Even faster now.

I am losing another staff member. To the big wide world of corporate bullshit. Apparently that’s what he wants. No official resignation yet, but it’s coming … soon. My self-centered self immediately thinks “Oh kuk, I’m screwed.” Then the very faint little voice of reason that I mostly struggle to hear tells me not to be such a Bitch … the guy just isn’t happy in a small, intimate environment and wants more. Deal With It.

Ok, so how do I do that? At the moment, I’m so deep in it I can’t find the energy to deal with unpacking a box, let alone creating a business strategy to pull us out of this mess. All sorts of thoughts about helplessness and throwing in the towel are flying around my head and totally dominating. I’m feeling so alone. And ended.

Yes, I CAN be extremely strong and independent. I didn’t get this far by being a fragile little push-over. But there are times when I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t dig deep enough to face yet ANOTHER bloody thing going wrong. On my own.

As much as I hate to admit this, I am feeling SO resentful of my X at the moment. He’s left me with all this on my plate while he’s off living the “I’ve Arrived” life that we planned together. He gets to go on all his regular international holidays, play Disney Dad to the kids, live in his big mansion with HER and “the new family”, buy yet another vehicle, invest in yet another property, live in denial of the SHIT he caused us, oblivious to the revolting repercussions of his irresponsible behaviour, leave my children (and I) in emotional turmoil, rip away every dream we had … Bastard.

Feeling so stuck and trapped in my work is partly as a result of the fact that this business is not a fun passion anymore. It’s not something I can do on the side while I have a partner to help me out. It is now Life or Death.

And it’s killing me.

I have been running this business for nearly 9 years now. From home. There was a time when I had all the staff I needed and things were flying. I had the time, energy and drive to play, explore and create. I was loving it, everything was just as I’d hoped it would be. We were moving up in the world, X had just qualified and life was rosy. For a while.

Then he met HER. And my world fell apart. I couldn’t work anymore. I was a mess. For years. The business came to a grinding halt, totally stagnated. Luckily, I had wonderful people who kept things ticking over for me while I sunk to an all-time low.

It took me ages to feel stronger, to get to the point where I could work again and start seeing people. In the interim, I lost some guys in the office. Expected.

So here I sit today, wondering what to do. I was so ready for lift-off. I was so ready to start the ball rolling and move forward again, personally and professionally. I had even started some new projects that I was really excited about; one is nearly ready for launch. I was amped to “get out there” and meet new people, expand my horizons you know?

I’m back to square one. I’ll have to work around the clock AGAIN, stuck inside these four walls, trying to keep my head above water. We can’t cope with the daily workload as it is. Now WTF do we do? Advertising for new team members has resulted in bugger all.

There goes the life I was hoping to have while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. There goes the time I wanted to spend with my boys. There goes any dream of fun and freedom I may have cooked up. I should have known better.

I’m so sick of this. For years and years this shit happens, over and over again. Every single bloody time I want to take a step forward, I get a curve ball to end all curve balls. Completely taken out.

Perhaps things will look different tomorrow. But I don’t have the energy to care right now. I just need to get through today. Somehow.