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Deep breaths

I think this has to rate right up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

I got back from the clinic about an hour ago, heart broken and tear stained, after spending 2 hours in the room while the counselors spoke to my son and asked him questions. I wasn’t allowed to open my mouth or even nod my head! I felt so helpless, and angry. I’ve got the sobbing under control now, I think … I’ve washed my face, taken a few deep long breaths and reminded myself to think long-term – to think that this is for HIM, this is what HE needs, to put my selfish “already missing him” thoughts aside and remember that this is for HIS sake.


I wish I wasn’t being such a cry baby about this. I have NO idea why I’m so upset. I should be coping a whole lot better – I’m the “Mother” FFS! In my head I know he’s going to come out at the other end of this programme a changed person, for the better – stronger, more in touch with who he is and better equipped to deal with everything.


But I know how hard it’s going to be for him, especially for the first few days when he is not allowed to have any contact with any of us. It’s going to be so strange, for both of us – we’ve always been just an sms or a phone call away from each other when he’s not here at home. Now that’s gone, for the moment, at least.


I’m going to have to tell his GF and dad that they can’t see him. Not yet – the counselors said they will evaluate when he is ready to have them visit him. I can go and see him on Friday afternoon, after the Parent Support Group. When I first heard about the Support Group for the parents, I scoffed at it … but now, I wish it was Friday already! I think I’m beginning to appreciate just how strong my mother was when we booked my half sister in to the addiction centre next door to KAYA.


So he’s there now, in their care. It’s right.

Tomorrow’s the big day

Tomorrow morning, Tuesday, at 8am, I am taking Son#1 to check into a clinic for a 4-week in-patient treatment programme.

The clinic is an adolescent unit (the only one in the country), dealing specifically with young adults in crisis. They provide therapeutic treatment for all sorts of issues from anxiety and depression to eating disorders to sexual and substance abuse.

As you know by now, Son#1 has recently hit an all-time low and he’s been struggling to cope with life. He is overwhelmed with emotional trauma right now and despite putting up a very brave front, he just can’t deal with everything on his own.

I am so relieved that my beautiful boy is at last going to get the treatment and therapy he so desperately needs. He has suppressed so much over the years and all his anger, frustration and pain that he’s carrying needs to be addressed, very urgently.

It’s taken just over a week to arrange everything and a lot of gentle persuasion and encouragement on my part to reassure him that this is the right thing for him, that he does need help and that a live-in facility (recommended by his new psychiatrist) will accelerate the treatment process so that he can get better as quickly as possible.

I’ve also had to meet mild opposition from his father, who wonders if this is all necessary and doesn’t really see the point. I was expecting that. But, thankfully, he has bought in to the idea now, albeit with some hesitation and he has also indicated that he is willing to attend the parent support sessions with me on Fridays. That’s good news, because he definitely needs to become more involved.

So, that’s where we are right now … gearing up for the month ahead. I’m not tackling any work today – I’ve re-arranged my schedule so that I can be with my boy and get him ready for tomorrow …when he wakes up =)

He’s going to be fine. This is the best thing for him and I am so proud of him for seeing that.

To those of you who know me and are finding out about this for the first time, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. This was only finalized a couple of days ago and I did not want to say anything until I was 100% sure that it was going to happen. I also wanted to check with Son#1 first that he would have no objections to me saying anything, and he doesn’t …

Onwards and upwards