Aug 27, 2008 | Kids
After Friday’s drama, I swore that Son#1 would not be going back to that place if I had anything to say over the matter. I was seriously pissed at them!
Anyway, I took him to see his psychiatrist (Shrink Man) on Monday morning and explained what had happened and put forward my plan to contain and keep Son#1 safe until we could agree on the best way forward. Shrink Man was somewhat shocked at my story but agreed with what I had proposed. He also said that he wanted to call the clinic to get their side of things and get back to me.
So he phoned me back a few hours later after he’d spoken to them and said that although he wasn’t at all happy with the way Son#1 was handled, he thought it would be a good idea for my boy to go back there yesterday for few hours to “wrap things up” with them.
Mmk. No harm in that I guess, if Son#1 was willing … actually, I thought it was rather a good plan ‘cos Son#1 was feeling very lost and I didn’t want him to give up on himself just because somebody else had behaved like a complete pratt. I agreed with Shrink Man that it would be beneficial for Son#1 to get some kind of closure from the clinic. But I left the decision up to my boy, I was NOT going to push him around and make him feel like an emotional pinball, thought he’d had enough of being bullied for a while.
But he decided to go!
And that’s where he was yesterday – at the clinic, sorting stuff out with them. I am SO proud of him. That took some serious balls!! He put his hurt and stubborn pride aside and took a GIGANTIC step forward … for himself, by himself.
So now, the plan is that he’ll be there until the weekend as a day patient and then he’ll attend their After Care on Wednesday afternoons. (It means I have to carry the extra cost, but the X has promised to pay me back for everything I’ve paid thus far in December.) There are also rumblings about another Family Session, probably for next week. Urgh … not too sure what to think about that.
Son#1 will carry on seeing Shrink Man twice a week, stay in touch with his sponsor and go to at least 2 NA meetings a week too. I’m also going to make sure he gets to the gym regularly from next week so he can build his fitness up again.
School-wise, he’s not ready to go back yet, not for at least a week, but in the meantime we are organizing for tutors to come in to help him catch up on all the work he’s missed and make sure he has a solid grounding for Term 4 at school.
So that’s it! Not all bad I reckon?
Aug 24, 2008 | Kids, Rants
The clinic is history!
OMG, I am so totally shocked at their childish attitude and the games they keep playing. Friday was the last freakin straw!
I get a phone call from Son#1 in the morning. “I’ve been kicked out again” he says.
THUD <—– That’s the sound of my jaw hitting the ground.
“Oh gawd. What now?”
“I dunno” says he, “just please come and fetch me.”
So I grab my mom and off I dash (thanks to Miss Boats for the lift ‘cos my car was in for a service) and when I get there, he’s sitting outside by himself with his bag.
“So, who can I talk to?” I ask.
“No-one, they’re all in ‘session’.”
bull … SHIT!!
I march into to the reception area and stare at the chick there with all the sweetie-you’d-better-give-me-some attention-before-I-start-throwing-my-toys determination I could summon. Must have worked too because she ended her phone call rather promptly and called some or other “supervisor” that I’ve never met.
Anyway, I’m sitting there, listening to this woman’s RIDICULOUS CRAPNESS about how they wouldn’t read his contract because they didn’t think he was being sincere enough, and now he was not behaving the way they wanted him too (er, yeah, I think I’d also be a bit miffed if you totally dismissed my contract and acted like you didn’t give a shit.)
Then she says: “Yes, and anyway, today is his last day so he has to leave.”
HUH????
Well, thanks for telling me!! First I’ve heard of it. I mean, I’ve only just paid over another R15k to cover further treatment, hey?
And then she comes up with the peach …
“He’s too angry. He can’t be here unless he changes his attitude.”
EXCUSE ME???? WTF?
I told (no … REMINDED) her that he is an ANGRY boy!!! He’s in the clinic because he is carrying years and years of anger and doesn’t know what the hell to do about it. “Your job was to help him!! And now you kick him out for that?”
I seriously lost it.
“THAT’S INSANE” said I just before I got up, grabbed Son#1 and my mom and walked out.
What an absolute croc of the most disgusting SHIT ever!
They can take their clinic and shove it. He’s never going back there. Not over my dead body.
Tomorrow morning I am taking him to see the psychiatrist who referred us to the clinic to explain the whole story and see what he now suggests. I’ve also organized more meds for Son#1 because the bloody clinic wouldn’t give him his to take home BAH!! I am making sure he still goes to NA meetings (just dropped him off at one now) and then we’ll see what comes of the new treatment options I am now exploring.
So, that was my Friday morning …
Things got a whole lot better on Friday evening and the rest of the weekend rocked – more about that later 😀
Aug 21, 2008 | Friends and Family, Personal
Again. The clinic. Does not. Communicate.
The last time I was there, on Tuesday, the counselors basically asked Son#1 to leave for 36 hours, to think about what he’d done, and go back there with a contract that they would read, accept and then he’d be allowed to stay on as an out-patient.
So I get there this evening and ask: “What’s happening boy?”
Son#1: “Well, I’m here!”
Me: “And what about the contract? Was it ok”
Son#1: “They didn’t want to see it, they wouldn’t let me read it to them. I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph”
Me: “HUH?”
Son#1: “Ja, they weren’t interested in that OR the homework I did that took me bloody hours, so I threw it all away.”
Me: “Wait a minute … the condition for you coming back here was that you present them with a contract they could read and sign.”
Son#1: “Exactly, go figure!”
Me: “So … I’m really confused …”
Son#1: “Me too! I don’t even know if I’m supposed to BE here!!!”
Bloody hell!!
They didn’t even bother to call me to tell me what was going on! I was fully expecting to fetch him this evening because he’s supposed to be an outpatient now and nobody seems to know what’s up. Dammit, this place is pissing me off with their attitude!
Anyway, I told Son#1 he needs to sort this out with them tomorrow before he comes home and goes to his dad for the weekend. And guess what he came back with … “No way Mom, these people don’t listen!!” (Sound familiar?)
So I suggested he write down all his frustrations – about not being heard, about thinking they don’t care, about them dismissing his feelings, etc. – so that he can approach them tomorrow with a clear head and a plan for how to deal with their (and I quote) “childishness”.
Honestly, I have no clue what they are up to, but right now my child is giving up because he sees THEM giving up and all wants to do is get out of there and get totally shit-faced!
Nice.
He also made rumblings about not wanting to go to his dad (he really doesn’t like going there), that he wants to stay at home … I told him I have plans, that I need a break. Seriously, as much as I want him here at home, I desperately need this weekend to myself, and I need to have some fun for a change otherwise I am going to go mental!
Aug 19, 2008 | Personal
I guess by now I should expect things to change rather suddenly and dramatically, hey?
Wow – this afternoon’s Family Session was SO not what I was expecting!
When I arrived at the clinic with my heart racing and my head spinning, I was totally thinking that we were gonna pick up from where we left off yesterday.
But it was not to be …
Son#1 was told not to come into the room while the Terrible Tag Team addressed the X and me about an issue they had with him, a problem that had cropped up.
You see, Son#1 had not been entirely honest with them about something. That’s all I can really say about the matter, but they took it VERY seriously. So much so in fact, that they decided to ask him to leave the facility for 36 hours, to go away and reflect on the situation and compile a “contract” that he must present to them when he returns on Thursday morning. The contract is basically his written agreement to follow the rules they feel he’s broken.
As an aside, I must just let you know that while they were addressing us abut the issue, I corrected them on stuff put forward to me that was not entirely true. It was stuff that made me look like I was also deliberately breaking their rules and neglecting to take action on an issue. This was all stuff that the X KNEW about and chose to keep quiet on. It would have cost him NOTHING to set them straight but he actually sat their and shook his head, like he agreed with them. Pratt. I was NOT going to let that happen, I was NOT going to allow them to draw a conclusion about the situation (or me) that wasn’t true.
Yes, my friends, I “opened my bloody mouth” … and I kept going, even when they started interrupting me!! If they think that’s some “defensive thing” I’ve got going on then tough shit. No more lies!
*pats self on back*
Anyway, Son#1 is here with me now at home and there are some strict rules in place that the Terrible Tag Team want, in order to ensure his safety. No telephone, no computer, no mobile and no contact with anyone outside of the family. Needless to say, he is NOT a happy chappy!
If Son#1 does hit a speed wobble, I can call the clinic for help and I can even ask one of the counselors to come and fetch him, if things get out of hand.
So … this afternoon took a completely unexpected turn, but I’m cool. I’m not stressed at all actually. I wonder why?
Aug 16, 2008 | Personal
Mmk, so we have 2 more Family Sessions coming up at the clinic – one on Monday and one on Tuesday.
In light of the fact that I really struggle to talk at these things and because I’ve failed to open my mouth when I’ve heard some bullshit being spoken, I have decided to go back into my email archives and dig out the truth.
Yes, I have kept EVERYTHING …
So when I hear the X speak on my behalf, saying “we did everything we could” with regard to addressing Son#1’s “problems” as he was encountering them, starting a few years ago, and he tells everyone how he has always supported me in disciplining the kids, I can haul this out. It’s an email I sent to him in April 2005:
He (Son#1) does not feel secure about himself because of current home circumstances … As I’ve always said, the only way he’s going to “grow up” is to experience our love in a way that he understands and relates to so that he starts to feel emotionally safe. Then he’ll start learning to make better choices because he’s getting what he needs from home and doesn’t need to look outside for his emotional fulfillment. He’ll then be more open to our guidance, which he desperately needs.
I know you don’t agree with me on this and that you feel the permissive route is better, but as an emotionally retarded teenager in a hostile, careless, fast-paced society that bombards youngsters with violence and amoral behaviour and almost completely desensitizes them, loving guidance is not optional, it is critical. Hence the need for us to work TOGETHER and support each other in making sure he understands that there are limits to what he can and can’t do, how to distinguish between right and wrong.
I believe that as his emotional maturity develops, the rest of his life will start falling into place – and this includes academic achievement. I also believe that once he does start achieving in areas he clearly doesn’t at the moment, he will feel better and better about himself too. So it’s a cycle that needs to start. And it starts with us.
And when I hear the X saying things like I was the cold one, I was the one who lost interest in the marriage and that I hurt him, I will have evidence to the contrary:
It breaks my heart that our communication has been reduced to occasional short emails and sms messages and I am not able to tell you this in person anymore. Nor am I able to kiss or hug you as you have closed yourself off from me completely.
You should also know that I am still 100% committed to reconciling and renewing our marriage and I will continue to do everything I can to demonstrate my love and dedication to you, no matter what.
I miss you,
Me
Xxx
And then, when I found out about HER:
I am devastated by this – the pain is unbearable and my hurt is unspeakable. As I uncover the evidence of the double life you have been leading and follow the trail of deception and destruction, my heart is shattered.
But I want you to know that more than anything, my greatest desire is to reconcile with you, and for you to give me the chance to be the wife you deserve and to create the loving home and family we all want.
I want you to be completely open and honest with me – about everything. We are both responsible for our relationship deteriorating and we both need to own up to and work on areas that create problems for each other.
I love you and I WILL do whatever it takes to restore our marriage.
Me
And when he tells people that he “tried everything” he could, I’ll be able to CONFIDENTLY say: “hang on a sec … I don’t believe that’s quite true – here is an email I sent you” …
I don’t know whether you have started divorce proceedings or not and I don’t know when your summons will arrive.
Before that happens, I would like to put something on the table so that I know that I have done absolutely everything I possibly can in order to save this marriage.
As angry as I am right now, I am still convinced that divorce is not the answer and that it will not solve anything for either of us. Apart from just deferring personal issues we both have to other relationships, it will also bring about a whole new set of problems to deal with.
I would like for us to go for counseling. I know you are afraid, so am I, and I know you want to just get away from all this, but for both our sakes I would really like to meet with you in the safety of a therapist’s room to talk about us and see if there is any way we can learn what we need to know from and about each other.
I love you and I do not want a divorce.
Please will you think about this?
Me
He never responded to that email.
His next communication with me was a one-liner, telling me that he was “expediting the divorce.”
You see, I’ve sat in the corner for years now, biting my lip about what really happened, afraid that the truth would hurt my children. But now, all this has cropped up again and I can see that it needs to be dealt with once and for all, for my sake AND theirs.
No longer will I swallow his lies, keep my mouth shut and allow everyone else to be deceived at the expense of my own freedom. I thought I was protecting my kids but it’s backfired and created an obstacle between my boys and I that now HAS to be shattered and blown out the way.
I am going in on Monday armed with the necessary evidence to counter the CRAP that comes out of his mouth!
The truth WILL set me free.
