Hmmmm …
For those of you who don’t really know me yet, I’m going to have to fill you in a bit on events with Son#1 so you have a bit of background info and you understand my frame of reference with regard to this post.
Son#1 started smoking, drinking and getting into drugs at an early age. His growing dependence on alcohol and narcotics progressed into a full-blown addiction and he recently spent 2 months in a treatment centre and is now a recovering addict.
For more on this, if you want some detail, please have a look at these posts:
- Shit is happening
- Tomorrow’s the big day
- Deep breaths
- Midnight drama
- The turning point
- An amazing milestone
- Another huge milestone
Mmk, if you’ve read all that, you now have a much better idea of what we’ve been through and why I’m feeling slightly distressed about the current events now unfolding. Events that seem to indicate that all this shit is re-emerging, this time with Son#2.
A couple of weeks ago, there was an incident involving Son#2, the school, a few cigarettes and a dodgy person hanging around the school perimeter who was later identified as a dealer. That was all a bit of a nasty, unexpected surprise but it was handled – both by me and the school – and the situation was diffused.
But now I’m facing another tough situation.
I went to fetch Son#2 last night from a friend’s house in Constantia and when he climbed into the car, I heard the unmistakable sound of bottles clinking in his bag. I asked him what was in his bag, and he said: “Nothing.”
I wasn’t happy with that answer so I asked him to open his bag and show me. He said: “Do we have to do this now? It’s bad.”
Me: “Yes. Open your bag please and show me what’s inside.”
He turned slightly pink, unzipped it and pulled out a half-empty bottle of Mampoer.
WTF?
Mampoer is a South African drink – a distilled brandy made from fruit that has an alcohol content of 50%. The bottle is wrapped in barbed wire. He’s 14.
When I asked him what he was doing with it, he told me that one of the kids who had been with them that day had brought it and didn’t want to take it home in case he got into trouble and he asked Son#2 to take it for him and give it back to him the following day. AT SCHOOL! Son#2 was actually going to take this to school and give it to this kid?
Oh good grief.
I made him dump the bottle and gave him my unhappy speech about underage drinking and making unwise choices. He swore he never had more than one sip of the stuff (!?) and was only trying to help this other kid out …
So we pull into the driveway and “something” tells me that this is not the end. So I turn to him and ask him: “Is there anything else in your bag I should know about?”
“Yes.” *eyes cast down*
He pulls out 2 more bottles – Southern Comfort and Cain.
OMF!!
I was distraught. Again, he tells me the same story – he didn’t drink this and it’s for his friend … Then he says to me: “I don’t mind if you tell Dad, but PLEASE don’t tell my brother!” Interesting …
When I walked inside the house holding the two bottles, Son#1 looked at me and asked what was going on. So I told him. He said to me: “Mom, he’s lying. I know he’s drinking and he’s taking you for a ride. This is how the shit starts. I did exactly the same thing. You need to do something.”
Yes. I need to do something.
If Son#1 had not been through what he’s been through, I could probably write this all off to normal teen experimenting. But I’m not willing to take that chance. My gut tells me to take this very seriously.
The question is though … what the hell do I do?
@Mom … thanks for all your support 🙂
@James … Yes, exactly – what kind of “friends” are these? He’s a tough little man to talk to – doesn’t give much away – but I’m keeping the channels open and hopefully we’ll be able to find out exactly what’s going on.
Son#1 is doing BRILLIANTLY!! I am so so so proud of him 😀
Firstly, big up to son#1! Takes great maturity to do that. Secondly, does he honestly call them friends if they are expecting him to possibly take the down fall for them, and cover their tracks. I would do a lot for my friends, but not that. I don’t think that they have his best interests at heart, are definitely not the right group to being hanging around with, never mind the drinking at 14!? I think he needs to be sat down and had an open conversation with. Not just a lecture, but get his take on things and try figure out what is going on in his head. He might have reasons for his behaviour that might need attending to, excluding just fitting in with his friends. I wish you luck! Be strong, and try and show him that ALL actions have consequences.
P.S I was at school with son#1, and I must say from what I am hearing, he really really deserves some major rewards! Fantastic to hear that he is doing so well! 🙂
With the chat I had with Son#2 not so long ago…….I think it’s more peer pressure that’s the problem here…..he’s always been a loner, not being accepted by his peers and now when it starts happening for him, he’s doing what it takes to stay there. Weekends away is a definite no-no and he needs strict supervision at all times. At present he should not even be trusted to go the movies unless there is supervision right to the doors and out again. Kids will always lie about what they’re doing wrong and we mustn’t be naive and accept that what they say is true just because they’ve been truthful in the past – alcohol and drugs changes all of that unfortunately. Son#2 should perhaps be introduced to the harsh realities of alcohol and drug addiction by visiting a hardcore institution where the real bad cases are detoxed…..this might give him a bit of food for thought. The “friends” that he has at present should be eliminated from his life and very quickly at that, they’re obviously behaving in a manner not acceptable for the normal 14 year olds who are just in the experimental phase which we all went through. As these bottles and all else don’t come cheap, where does the cash come from? – the black market or do they steal them – which is even worse. Stand strong and firm, at this point you need to be distrustful and play tough but that’s ok, he’ll get over it and you have all the support from me that you want. Mighty proud of Son#1!!!
Hey MsBehavn! Yip, Son#1 really has come an amazingly long way and he IS probably the best person to get through to his brother, having been there, done that and gotten the shitty T-shirt … you’re right about that.
And peer pressure is so vicious! All we can do is keep the communication lines with our kids open and keep on building up their sense of self-worth, encourage them to think for themselves and not to be afraid of standing up for their own morals, even if it means losing so-called “friends”.
It’s tough when they are young teens – fitting in with the crowd and feeling a sense of belonging is important for them. And kids (especially girls) can be such brats when they come across someone who doesn’t “fit in” with the crowd. Of course, this is all their own insecurity, but try telling that to your child who just wants to have friends and be part of a group!
Thinking of you too MsB xxx
I just read this now and I’m sure that you’ll do whatever it takes to stop Son#2 following the same path his big brother did. Son#1 has come a long way but it hasn’t been easy and he’s probably best placed to tell Son#2 how dangerous this kind of behaviour is.
Peer pressure is a horrible thing. My daughter has had a really tough year with the kids in her school smoking and bunking and then calling her a loser for not joining in. 🙁
Thinking of you
xox
Yeah … being aware of this now is great. That may sound odd, but when it came to Son#1, I was not at all aware of what was happening in the early years – information about his drinking etc was kept from me because the X decided that I did not need to know!
Bah.
So this is a bit different. It’s early days and he’s in my care most of the time … that changes things.
BigFriendly, you are right, yes. I can’t paint him with the same brush. They are very different children – poles apart. It may very well be normal experimentation, but I’m not going to let it slide with the very real possibility of it evolving into something serious so I am going to enforce some boundaries that I think are appropriate, no matter what history we’ve already lived through.
I feel like I have been given the opportunity now to make sure that things don’t get out of control, so I don’t want to waste it.
Um … your sister employs 800 people a day? That’s a rapidly growing company lol!
No, seriously, what an amazing comeback for her – from addict to CEO!! Brilliant stuff 😀
My 2c worth. Take care that you don’t paint son#2 with the same brush as son#1. Son#2 may just be submitting to peer pressure and may not be in danger of going down the same path as son#1. My sister was a hard core junky (to the point of being arrested and almost having to spend 6 years in jail) and both my brother and I did our fair share of exploring both drugs and booze, but neither one of us went down the same path as my sister. It may be a case of son#2 just giving in to some peer pressure, or it may be a misguided attempt to get the same level of attention as son#1 received. I’d have a talk to him about steering clear of the friends that are drinking and make him understand that friends don’t put friends in the situation that he was put in, if you’re man enough to drink then you’re man enough to take the consequences.
I’d ask son#1 to have a chat to son#2 and if son#1 is going to AA or NA then have son#2 attend a few of the open meetings. I think most groups have them once a month. I would take care that my reaction is not out of proportion to the situation. (I just saw that dad recommended the same thing)
Happy foot note: My sister is the CEO of her own company and employees over 800 people today.
Crap man. A person can only hope son #2 gets the seriousness of the stuff he is messing around with sooner than later! At least you are partially aware of what is going on now though!
Wow … THANK YOU so much for all your comments. I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond like this …
I’m proud of Son#1 – speaking up like that was very grown up and his concern for his little brother is touching and encouraging. They’ve lived quite separate lives, each doing their own thing and this is probably one of the first times I’ve seen an outward display of brotherly-love like this.
Son#1 told me that he had a little chat with his brother last night (or tried to rather) but apparently Son#2 was being as stubborn as a mule and wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So he sent him a long in-yous-face SMS …
I know I have to nip this in the bud – I’m taking all your ideas on board and coming up with a plan.
SHIT MAN!! Where’s the bloody kid-raising manual!?
I think I’m going to go ahead and can all sleep-outs for now. It’s exams soon anyway so he shouldn’t be going out and about until the end of term.
The idea of Son#1 taking him along to an open NA meeting is really good! I’ll chat to him about that …
My only concern with Son#1’s involvement though is that I REALLY don’t want him to feel that this is HIS responsibility. Don’t get me wrong – I think helping to a certain degree is good for him and I love that he wants to do something – I just don’t want him to be feeling any pressure from this. He has enough on his plate and it’s not his job.
And now I need to send an email to the X and bring him up to speed *deep breaths*. Wonder what the reaction will be.
Again, THANK YOU everyone!
Your support is awesome 🙂
XXX
Kudos to Son1 for being honest about it, and Son2 has obviously got MANY lectures from him. (((HUGS))) I don’t have advice though.
By any means necessary stop this in its tracks. whatever you feel is right, do it.XXX thinking of you XXX
In answer to your question: you gotta do whatever it takes. Co-opting Son #1 sounds like a good idea.
Son #1 well done, seriously.
I have this thing that, with kids who knows what to do anymore. My son is 6, and I can only imagine what would happen a couple of years from now, and even if I will be able to handle it. What I try to do, is hoping that my son tells me everything. But that can only be seen.
There are so many things that one can say that you can / should do, but who am I to tell. What I would hope for is that the trust gets built to such a degree that nothing will brake it down, that Son#2 can look at Son#1 and remember what you as a family went through, and hopefully get some sense of how bad it can get.
As a family you are stronger than just standing alone.
Deep breathes! I agree 100% with son #1. This needs to be taken seriously. Obviously I will help out as much and with whatever I can. Please just tell me, whatever you need! Guess there’s no easy way to handle this. We all just need to monitor son #2 hectically. Well done for being so strong. You’re doing a good job, don’t ever doubt that! Here if you need. ALWAYS and for ANYTHING!
You have to be very strict and hard on the boy, it’s the only way, dont give in and feel bad, stick it through until he’s overcome this bad phase. Don’t let him go to his friend’s houses, he can only go out on weekends and during the day (to places like the mall), if you catch him drinking again etc hit him, seriously – don’t be scared to, you need discipline. Noooo sleepovers ever! unless its at your house where you can supervise. Good luck! Be strong! Be strict! Never cave in! And always know where he’s going and who with.
“Well done to Son#1. Maybe he should sit Son#2 down and speak some sense into him”
Hopefully you have caught the problem a lot earlier than was the case with Son#1. Maybe Son#2 needs to go with Son#1 to a few meetings at the Clinic and NA and see and hear for himself what he is getting himself into. Obviously X must be informed.
Wow, seriously well done to Son#1 though. I caught my little brother smoking weed and when my parents asked me what was happening I told them, one of the toughest things I had to do in my life.
Well done to Son#1. Maybe he should sit Son#2 down and speak some sense into him