its hard to express i think ,for both parent/child actual feelings. im on a fence and can understand somewhat . i bet if both talk without haste and say without spite the meanings will come out clearer. I by far dont believe mother ,in any situation, should be disrespected no matter what. Yet it is so much easier to hurt and lash out at the ones we love the most cuz we know what hurts just by knowledge of that person. Habits are hard to break but with practice masters are made. New habits like respect and listening and voicing emotions without breaking become possible.
parent and child. there was 1 thing that i was given to deal with my relationship with my mother at the beginning of that journey : 5 things that you can do for each other to make each other feel safe.
meaning Eg: child: would say ” for me to feel safe with you i need alone talk time without interruptions one on one time.”(30 mins or whatever)
parent:: ” for me to feel safe with you i need you to address me with respect and not shout or demand but ask and keep calm” and so forth and so on… until you both have 5 things.. they must be realistic and simple enough and it must be something you want from the other to feel safe to express . write them down and follow them, like guidelines to pave a smoother road in communication.
ASk Mom(gran) about it.. it made it ok for me to be honest with what i meant with things because i too was angry and snappy and wanted my way and got pissed off alot when she didnt UNDERSTAND ME… cuz i was not making myself clear enough… Ultimately :Son#1, -things get better when we become more self reliant, it becomes more about us understanding rather than being understood. acceptance of certain boundaries and rules is hard cuz we feel like we deserve more.. but in time we will get all that is due to us just by staying clean and living life. trust me…
I never take sides cuz there are always different perceptions of anything, i can tell that both need to be worked on. we are all still people regardless of the relationship… re-developing a relationship takes time….and practice. esp one of parent /child. its just as much about growing up as its growing into.
Love you all…
Parent: you are wonderful and even though child doesnt see what you do at times, i bet the roles can be reversed…
dont be discouraged by moments. you know what you do and have done.. and find out what changes can be made for betterment. take strength from your motives in setting rules and healthy boundaries. saying no doesn’t mean i hate you. When an eagle pushes its young out of the nest…does she want to kill them ? NO.. but teach them to fly. even though the chicks probably fear her and hate her for doing it … only until the chicks fly, will an understanding come of the motives in doing so.
Son#1
on October 19, 2008 at 5:41 pm
iv decided to leave this all alone and let everyone at it.
Mom
on October 18, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I’m shocked that you still think that son#1’s atrocious behaviour is still all your fault! NO WAY!! I heard first hand what went down and I totally agree with Sir G and will add a few words of my own:
Son #1…..If I should ever hear you treating your mother with the disrespect that you did on that day ever again, I won’t be responsible for the consequences, you will. Throwing your toys out of the cot, behaving in this infantile manner because you can’t get your own way when you want to, is in no way your mother’s fault or others for that matter, only yours and you need to take responsibility for your actions and be accountable for how you are hurting your mother. This has nothing to do with anger, this is manipulation, to make her feel she’s done something wrong and being a bad mother. CRAP! Why didn’t you have a go at me, you asked me the same favour for which I couldn’t oblige exactly when you wanted me to???? If you feel the need to express your dissatisfaction with the world around you, be my guest if you have the courage, I’m always around and not as vulnerable as your mother is, the one person in your life who is and has always been there for you regardless, if you choose to believe it or not.
You are so not a #Fail for Friday, or any other day. You amaze me daily for all your single parenthoodness and outstanding love for your sons.
I only wish that one day, when I am a mom again, I can be half the mother you have been.
Its not my place to reprimand Son#1, but as an angry child myself, I can only say that one day you will look back and remember all that your mother did for you and how much of a lesser person you could have been without her. I have.
Please come out from the corner at 6PM, there are cocktails, sushi and great people waiting your company!
JOC
on October 17, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Sue; I can say this with all honesty, because I see first hand everyday how much you care about your kids. You are an amazing mom and one they can and should be proud of. I have seen you change and grow in huge incredible ways since a year ago. I think you should be proud of you. So you may of made a few mistakes along the way, but which parent doesn’t.
I think son#1 has still got a lot to learn about life, responsibilities and selflesness. He’ll learn, most of us eventually do.
But for now, please know that you have NOT failed as a mother or a person. So many parents would of given up on their kids if they had to deal with half the stuff you’ve dealt with this year, but you’re still here – that says a lot.
Is it your goal to make your mom feel bad for being who she is? You need to take some responsibility for who you are and what you have done instead of blaming others around you.
Stop for one minute and think about what you say and do effects others around you instead of how things make you feel. Parents are just people too.. But you don’t see us blaming our kids for our mistakes.. WE beat ourselves up enough about things without you adding to it..
I think if anyone needs a time-out .. it would need to be you..
Just by reading your blog regularly, I happen to think that you’re a great mom. If you go to the corner – do it ‘cos that’s where you want to be not because it’s where you belong.
its hard to express i think ,for both parent/child actual feelings. im on a fence and can understand somewhat . i bet if both talk without haste and say without spite the meanings will come out clearer. I by far dont believe mother ,in any situation, should be disrespected no matter what. Yet it is so much easier to hurt and lash out at the ones we love the most cuz we know what hurts just by knowledge of that person. Habits are hard to break but with practice masters are made. New habits like respect and listening and voicing emotions without breaking become possible.
parent and child. there was 1 thing that i was given to deal with my relationship with my mother at the beginning of that journey : 5 things that you can do for each other to make each other feel safe.
meaning Eg: child: would say ” for me to feel safe with you i need alone talk time without interruptions one on one time.”(30 mins or whatever)
parent:: ” for me to feel safe with you i need you to address me with respect and not shout or demand but ask and keep calm” and so forth and so on… until you both have 5 things.. they must be realistic and simple enough and it must be something you want from the other to feel safe to express . write them down and follow them, like guidelines to pave a smoother road in communication.
ASk Mom(gran) about it.. it made it ok for me to be honest with what i meant with things because i too was angry and snappy and wanted my way and got pissed off alot when she didnt UNDERSTAND ME… cuz i was not making myself clear enough… Ultimately :Son#1, -things get better when we become more self reliant, it becomes more about us understanding rather than being understood. acceptance of certain boundaries and rules is hard cuz we feel like we deserve more.. but in time we will get all that is due to us just by staying clean and living life. trust me…
I never take sides cuz there are always different perceptions of anything, i can tell that both need to be worked on. we are all still people regardless of the relationship… re-developing a relationship takes time….and practice. esp one of parent /child. its just as much about growing up as its growing into.
Love you all…
Parent: you are wonderful and even though child doesnt see what you do at times, i bet the roles can be reversed…
dont be discouraged by moments. you know what you do and have done.. and find out what changes can be made for betterment. take strength from your motives in setting rules and healthy boundaries. saying no doesn’t mean i hate you. When an eagle pushes its young out of the nest…does she want to kill them ? NO.. but teach them to fly. even though the chicks probably fear her and hate her for doing it … only until the chicks fly, will an understanding come of the motives in doing so.
iv decided to leave this all alone and let everyone at it.
I’m shocked that you still think that son#1’s atrocious behaviour is still all your fault! NO WAY!! I heard first hand what went down and I totally agree with Sir G and will add a few words of my own:
Son #1…..If I should ever hear you treating your mother with the disrespect that you did on that day ever again, I won’t be responsible for the consequences, you will. Throwing your toys out of the cot, behaving in this infantile manner because you can’t get your own way when you want to, is in no way your mother’s fault or others for that matter, only yours and you need to take responsibility for your actions and be accountable for how you are hurting your mother. This has nothing to do with anger, this is manipulation, to make her feel she’s done something wrong and being a bad mother. CRAP! Why didn’t you have a go at me, you asked me the same favour for which I couldn’t oblige exactly when you wanted me to???? If you feel the need to express your dissatisfaction with the world around you, be my guest if you have the courage, I’m always around and not as vulnerable as your mother is, the one person in your life who is and has always been there for you regardless, if you choose to believe it or not.
Suetjie,
You are so not a #Fail for Friday, or any other day. You amaze me daily for all your single parenthoodness and outstanding love for your sons.
I only wish that one day, when I am a mom again, I can be half the mother you have been.
Its not my place to reprimand Son#1, but as an angry child myself, I can only say that one day you will look back and remember all that your mother did for you and how much of a lesser person you could have been without her. I have.
Please come out from the corner at 6PM, there are cocktails, sushi and great people waiting your company!
Sue; I can say this with all honesty, because I see first hand everyday how much you care about your kids. You are an amazing mom and one they can and should be proud of. I have seen you change and grow in huge incredible ways since a year ago. I think you should be proud of you. So you may of made a few mistakes along the way, but which parent doesn’t.
I think son#1 has still got a lot to learn about life, responsibilities and selflesness. He’ll learn, most of us eventually do.
But for now, please know that you have NOT failed as a mother or a person. So many parents would of given up on their kids if they had to deal with half the stuff you’ve dealt with this year, but you’re still here – that says a lot.
Son#1 You should be ashamed of your behavior..
Is it your goal to make your mom feel bad for being who she is? You need to take some responsibility for who you are and what you have done instead of blaming others around you.
Stop for one minute and think about what you say and do effects others around you instead of how things make you feel. Parents are just people too.. But you don’t see us blaming our kids for our mistakes.. WE beat ourselves up enough about things without you adding to it..
I think if anyone needs a time-out .. it would need to be you..
Just my armpit..
Suetjie
Have you looked in the mirror?
You are amazing. wonderful. And a daily inspiration to little and unknowing me. You are the best mom, and above all things, divine.
We love you X
please tell me your joking!
Just by reading your blog regularly, I happen to think that you’re a great mom. If you go to the corner – do it ‘cos that’s where you want to be not because it’s where you belong.
I hope you have a good weekend, lady!
Don’t do this to yourself.