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That post I put up yesterday? The one about me feeling strong and finding my mojo?

It turned out to be bullshit.

Yesterday took a full-on vertical nose-dive. For one thing, the Family Session was bloody awful … for me at least, not for everyone else (I’ll write about how Son#1 is doing a bit later). Then Sir G had to leave the office in the afternoon while I was out and he came back distraught – he was not coping with our breakup.

After all the drama of the day, I found myself totally spinning out and spiraling downwards ridiculously quickly …

You think you’re a good enough mother? WRONG.

You think you were an ok girlfriend? WRONG.

You think you had your own side to the divorce story? WRONG.

You think you had a voice? WRONG.

You think it’s ok for you to look after yourself and “be selfish”? WRONG.

“Hands up all those who thought it was safe to come out of their cave …” YOU? NOT SO FAST!

I keep hearing that we are presented with challenges in order to teach us things we need to learn in our lives. Well, I must be a complete and utter moron!

Universe: whatever “tests” you’re dishing out to me AGAIN – keep them! Just leave me to my stupid self, ok? I’m not interested anymore, you hear me? I give up man …You win. I’m the bad guy, I’m the villain, everything is my fault and no matter what the fuck I do, no matter which way I turn or what new angles I try, no-one’s ever going to be satisfied. I’m either hurting myself or other people. Lose-lose.

I just really don’t know what to do anymore …

EVERY SINGLE TIME I start feeling stronger I get side-wiped.


Mmk, so that’s what I wrote last night … I didn’t publish it because firstly, I felt a bit embarrassed that all my RARA bravado seemed to be a crock of shit and secondly, because I didn’t want to worry anyone.

But I’ve had a good night’s rest now (thank goodness for sleeping pills) and I’ve woken up feeling slightly better today.

Better or numb? Actually, I’m not sure. But I’m not drowning in self-pity, so I guess that’s a plus?

Sheesh … we’ll see what the day holds.

And please don’t give me any chipper TGIF crap – I’ll be working my a$$ off this weekend …