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In moment of lowness last night, marking the crappy end to what would otherwise have been an okay day, despite being sick, I made a decision.

One of my personal flaws is that I don’t talk. Oh yes, I could probably write forever … (can you spell hypographia?) … but I don’t talk.

And that’s why I don’t do relationships very well.

Son#1 has recently told me that my inability to share on a verbal level leaves him frustrated and confused. Of course it does, you silly woman – have you not realized by now that EVERYONE feels that way about your silence?

Ok, so I need to share my mental innards with people close to me. Somehow.

Son#1 is having a rough time, this you know. I need to connect with him better, I need to show a side of me that he’s missing out on. It’s a side that I’ve deliberately kept from him because I thought he had enough to deal with. I thought that by keeping quiet about my own “stuff” I would be protecting him in some way, shielding him from things that he didn’t really need to know about. That’s what I thought. Apparently I was wrong.

So last night, I decided to tell him about this blog. I told him that this is MY way of sharing, of getting things out, of telling people about what’s happening in my life, of tentatively reaching out to what I’ve perceived to be a very harsh world. It’s all I can do right now.

I was afraid of his reaction. I was afraid that he would rebuke me for keeping this from him. I was afraid that he would read it and be angry about some of the things I had written.

But he surprised me. He was amazed … and excited. He rushed off to his PC to dive into my Headspace.

I waited anxiously for hours while he trawled through my posts.

He came back into my room and sat on my bed.

He told me that he liked it, and that it was “all me” – that everything was true … the content, the voice, everything. I should not have been afraid of his reaction to my sometimes very emo posts – he reckons we are “actually so alike that it’s scary” and that I should risk being even MORE open.

He said there wasn’t one thing about justB[coz] that didn’t show the real me. Mmk, just one … my lack of profanity! He said I should swear more because that’s what I do in real life. I nodded. I said that I do kinda swear here, I just sugar-coat it a bit. Out of respect I think. Yes, my friends and family know I swear, but it’s nothing to be proud of and actually, if I have time to think about my words (like I do here), I won’t use the EFF word as much as I could otherwise.

So Son#1 now reads my blog. It won’t change anything. I am glad that knows about it now and I think he’s glad he has more of an inside track on me …

So I guess last night’s revelation was ONE good thing that’s happened recently. That, and the fact that my Dad very, very kindly brought me some meds yesterday, a funky USB hub and an awesome little TV dongle for my β€˜puter so I can keep an eye on the cricket while I work. (Thanks Dad!!)

Right, I think I’ve probably written enough for one sitting today.

Later xxx