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Guide to Zen – part 2

May 31, 2008 | Funnies

Afternoon everyone! Hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend …

Here is part 2 of MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL’S GUIDE TO ZEN: (part 1 can be found here)

Thanks to Sir G for this =)

  1. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  2. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  3. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  4. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  5. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  6. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  7. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  8. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  9. Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.
  10. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  11. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  12. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  13. Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
  14. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
  15. Seven percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Guide to Zen – part 1

May 29, 2008 | Funnies

I’ve been / still am having a super busy (but really good) day today and there’s not been much time to write anything so I thought I’d just post this quickly … it managed to crack a little smile =) 

Later …

     MAHARISHI PHUCKNUCKEL’S GUIDE TO ZEN

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
  2. Sex is like the air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
  3. Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  4. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
  5. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
  6. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
  8. If you think nobody cares whether you are dead or alive, try missing a few credit card repayments.
  9. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
  10. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  12. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
  13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  14. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  15. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
  16. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
  18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  20. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.