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Welcome to hell!

It’s been a really long day for me … thank goodness I managed to get a good sleep in last night – a whole 10 hours!! That’s a first for maaaany years. I must have really needed the rest to have slept for that long hey?

Anyway, I spent most of the day running around, stocking up on supplies that Son#1 requested – underwear and socks, toiletries, books and some music. I never learn though – I went to Cavendish on a rugby day!! No, no, no – don’t DO that again! It was chaotically full and a real test of my non-existent patience.

But … I survived and got back home pretty pooped, with just enough time to pack everything up that I needed to take to the clinic and chill for a few minutes before heading out again.

I took Son#2 along with me to visit his brother, and picked up my mom along the way. I’m really glad that she was with me – my boy was not good today.

“Welcome to hell!” he said, as we arrived.

He was in a black mood and a half – apart from feeling like he’s trapped in a prison, there are some issues with friends weighing on his mind and because he can’t talk to them and sort things out with them at the moment, he’s incredibly frustrated and pissed off. And I completely and totally understand where he’s coming from. As you’ve all been telling me, I told him: “hang in there, my boy …”

He seemed a bit over all over the place, mentally I mean. Distracted and disorientated, not really together at all. That was a bit disturbing for me – I’ve never actually seen him like that and I may have panicked had my mom not been there to reassure me that it was ok. (Well, not ok, but to be expected.)

He spent a bit of time with his little brother, kicking a soccer ball around, shooting some hoops, and that seemed to lighten his mood a bit and cheer him up somewhat.

It was so good to see them playing together, even for just that short time. They very seldom spend any time in each others’ company these days and my heart swelled with love for my two gorgeous children just being boys together in the yard. They are so beautiful and I am so lucky to be their mom.

[BTW, Son#2 thinks the clinic is GREAT – TV, soccer, basketball, lots of people around …! Bless him, my angel.]

Son#1 is a bit worried about his lack of exercise. He’s worried that he’s going to become unfit and struggle when he gets back to playing hockey. I can see that he has lost some weight so I told him to tuck into the all eats I’d given him and try to do some body weight training. You know – push ups, pull ups, crunches, squats – that kind of thing. I didn’t really know what else to tell him … he’s going to be in there for another 6 days before he can come home and go for a run or go to gym.

So, all in all, it’s been a tiring day that ended with a pretty tough visit – tough to see him in that state and not being able to do anything about it. I do feel a bit helpless. I suppose I am really.

I just need to trust that he’s where he needs to be and that in due course, things will improve.

Roll on weekend

I’ve just come back from a 3-hour session at the clinic … 2 hours of Parent Support and 1 hour with my beautiful boy. I’m so exhausted, inside and out. Completely drained.

The Parent Support Group was interesting … and very hard. Hard to share my story, hard to listen to other people share theirs. So much pain. So many broken lives. So much turmoil and distress. And yet we all look so damn “together” on the surface. Hah!

But it was interesting to learn more about the type of treatment our children are all undergoing – the direction it takes and the steps along the way.

That was the first of 6 sessions, so I’ll be back for the second one next Friday and hopefully the X will be there too so he can also find out what the process is and how we can both be the support and strength Son#1 needs (and Son#2).

After the Group, I spent nearly an hour with my boy, gave him some clean clothes, picked up his laundry and watched his eyes light up when I gave him the bag of eats and goodies =)

“Mom, there are some fucked up psychos in here! Do I REALLY need to be here?”

“Yes, my baby, you do.”

*choke back a few tears*

But he says he’s ok, that he’s even started to recognise what one of his problems is. That’s huge progress in such a short time. That’s Step One.

This weekend is going to be really difficult for him, staying in there and not being able to go anywhere. But I’ll be back to see him tomorrow and I’ll take his brother along for the visit too. He also wants a book and some change for the phone because he can start making calls from tomorrow evening.

He’s never hugged and kissed me so much before. I’ve never felt closer to him. I miss him terribly.

Tomorrow’s the big day

Tomorrow morning, Tuesday, at 8am, I am taking Son#1 to check into a clinic for a 4-week in-patient treatment programme.

The clinic is an adolescent unit (the only one in the country), dealing specifically with young adults in crisis. They provide therapeutic treatment for all sorts of issues from anxiety and depression to eating disorders to sexual and substance abuse.

As you know by now, Son#1 has recently hit an all-time low and he’s been struggling to cope with life. He is overwhelmed with emotional trauma right now and despite putting up a very brave front, he just can’t deal with everything on his own.

I am so relieved that my beautiful boy is at last going to get the treatment and therapy he so desperately needs. He has suppressed so much over the years and all his anger, frustration and pain that he’s carrying needs to be addressed, very urgently.

It’s taken just over a week to arrange everything and a lot of gentle persuasion and encouragement on my part to reassure him that this is the right thing for him, that he does need help and that a live-in facility (recommended by his new psychiatrist) will accelerate the treatment process so that he can get better as quickly as possible.

I’ve also had to meet mild opposition from his father, who wonders if this is all necessary and doesn’t really see the point. I was expecting that. But, thankfully, he has bought in to the idea now, albeit with some hesitation and he has also indicated that he is willing to attend the parent support sessions with me on Fridays. That’s good news, because he definitely needs to become more involved.

So, that’s where we are right now … gearing up for the month ahead. I’m not tackling any work today – I’ve re-arranged my schedule so that I can be with my boy and get him ready for tomorrow …when he wakes up =)

He’s going to be fine. This is the best thing for him and I am so proud of him for seeing that.

To those of you who know me and are finding out about this for the first time, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. This was only finalized a couple of days ago and I did not want to say anything until I was 100% sure that it was going to happen. I also wanted to check with Son#1 first that he would have no objections to me saying anything, and he doesn’t …

Onwards and upwards