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Sunday emo-ness

Well, it started last night actually … had a little breakdown.

It’s difficult to make sense of exactly how I feel right now so I’m just going to spew.

I am tired – tired of always being the grownup, the boss, the parent. In all areas of my life, the buck stops with me, and me alone. Emphasis on the word “alone”.

Yes, well-meaning people say “you are not alone”, but you know what? That’s not the truth for me.

No-one shares the endless emotional, physical and financial responsibility I have to live up to every minute of every day. It’s overwhelming.

It seems like my entire life consists of taking care of other people, running around for them, getting wrapped up their dramas, answering their questions, making sure they have what they need, looking after them. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me (I said “seems” – that is my current perception.)

And it feels like there’s nothing left for me.

It seems like I’ll forever be the one who has to give, give, give … a lot of people are sapping me dry. And it’s wearing me down into nothingness. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself again and I have no energy to change anything.

How is it that my life is so ridiculously full, and yet so pathetically empty? It’s full of chores, duties, responsibilities and tasks. There is no fun, no leisure time, no-one to share with.

It all seems so dreary and pointless right now. It seems like I am going nowhere again. I’ve allowed this to happen and I’m angry with myself for letting myself get sucked into wasting who I am. What have I honestly got to look to forward to? Where am I going to be this time next year? In 5 years? 10 Years?

I don’t like who I am today, the sad, caged animal I have become.

I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

[Three Days Grace]

The kids are keeping me going today … there are 5 amazing young souls here – full of big life and loud, buzzing energy. I am so grateful to be surrounded by all this vitality right now.