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On being alone

I give you fair warning: this is an emo post.

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very private person and I enjoy being on my own. Occasionally.  I have at least 9 other people in my personal space all day, 5 days a week, so I relish the peace and privacy that each weekend promises. What I don’t enjoy, however, is the fact that I have no choice in the matter, that I have no other option but to be alone right now and that upsets me. This isn’t how it’s meant to be …

Funny, yesterday all I wanted was to have 10 minutes to myself out in my garden and I couldn’t get that. Here I am today, out in my garden, utterly alone. And I feel completely miserable because this is not what I want. Not today.


It’s been nearly 4 months since Sir G and I split up and apart from the years of trauma I went through before, during and after my divorce, this has to be one of the toughest periods in my life.

I’ve not been properly single for nearly 20 years. In all that time I’ve had 2 relationships – one with my ex husband (15 years) and one with Sir G (4 years). Some tell me that I am loyal to a fault, but that’s another story for another time.

I always knew that sooner or later, me being “the boss” was going to be a problem. That, plus the fact that I live in and work from this house. Eventually, Sir G just disliked both these things too much for us to continue with our personal relationship.

Do I still love him? Without doubt.

Do I miss him? Terribly.

Are we friends? I’d like to think so.

Are we still going away on holiday together next month? Definitely.

Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.

He’s beautiful, inside and out. We were lucky enough to share a sublime connection during our time together.

But …

The thing is, I may be “the boss” from 9-5, but I certainly don’t want to wear that mantle all the time, and definitely not after hours. That’s the problem when people perceive you as being a strong, independent woman – they don’t realize that there are times when you want/need to let that all go and just be, well, vulnerable.  There are times when all you want is to be with someone who knows you inside out and takes care of you for a change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

*waits for the feminist backlash*

Looking back, I don’t think I’ve had the privilege of sharing that treasured 4-way bond with anyone.

Looking forward, I don’t know that I ever will.

And that depresses the hell out of me.

Let’s get real for a minute here: I am staring down the barrel of being a 40-year old divorcee with 2 nearly grown kids.

That’s not a great prospect.

And if you’re about to tell me something akin to “but life begins at 40!” … Fuck off.

What bullshit. I know not ONE woman over 40 who’s walking that talk. Anyone who claims that is lying. They’re telling themselves it’s OK to live without someone to love completely and who loves you back unconditionally. It’s not.

That’s not living. That’s missing out on what makes everything you feel, smell, hear, taste, touch, think and dream come alive.

I want that.

And no, I don’t think I “deserve” it. That’s bullshit too. No-one deserves anything. Life doesn’t play fair.


I see people all around me hooking up, getting engaged, embarking on the journey of marriage together.

I’m happy for them.

I’m sad for me.

5 Years ago, even just 2 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of getting married again. But now … now I’m ready. And now I’m single. Oh, the irony!


Every day I ask myself: is this it? Is this how my life is going to be until I kick the bucket?

Work. Eat. Read. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and this is what I see:

  • I’m past my prime.
  • I’m overweight.
  • I have eye bags and saggy boobs.
  • I’m painfully shy and an extreme introvert.
  • I don’t talk.
  • I’m moody.
  • I’m selfish and stubborn.
  • I’m misunderstood – always have been.
  • I don’t cook.
  • I detest housework.

Who would want to team up with that?

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Will I always be alone? I rather suspect the answer may be a resounding “YES!”

Another asshole cheats on his wife

I’ve just found out that another beautiful woman I know has been betrayed.

They’ve been married for only 8 months but I could see this becoming a reality a year before their wedding. Perhaps I’m sensitive to this kind of potential devastation only because I have lived through it and learned from it. I have the benefit of hindsight. I am able to see the signs, the flashing red lights that go off when couples behave in certain way, individually or together.

Should I have said anything? Should I have verbalized my concern? Was it any of my business?

No. I don’t think so. Couples tying the knot are deaf and blind to any warnings. They don’t want to hear that things could go pear-shaped. They don’t want to see that their future together may not be eternally easy. They are “in love” and the world is perfect. Or so they try to convince themselves.

You want with all your heart to believe that your marriage will never end, that you’ll be with this person for life. But the sad reality is that you only have a 1 in 2 shot of that happening these days. The odds aren’t good and you’d better be ready to face them. Or make damn sure you know how to beat them.

Yes, I’m cynical about marriage. I’ve just seen too many people become complacent within its “safe” confines. I’ve seen too many people (men AND women) break their vows and inflict unspeakable cruelty on their partners. I’ve seen far too many lives destroyed by this, including my own.

I detest betrayal of ANY kind.

“You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.” – Proverb


[ Babynet has just published an interesting study regarding the possible connection between male infidelity and the AVPR1A gene here. ]

Letting shit out

*yet another emo warning*

Mmk, so this is a follow up to recent comments I made in this post, in reply to my Dad and B, wherein I mention the realization and acknowledgment of certain issues that I still need to work through and my need to start sharing more of those things with people in order to help me release some of the pain that I’ve been swallowing, avoiding and numbing out to.

I recently discovered that a friend was facing a situation in her marriage so similar to what I went through that it pierced my heart and prompted me to write her a letter. Not that I ever sent it to her, I didn’t want to interfere or offer unsolicited advice, it was just me putting pen to paper, so to speak, in an attempt to try and make more sense of all the craziness that came rushing back into my head when I heard about what she was going through.

I’ve not shared this with anyone, apart from Sir G. And I now want to share it with you. I want to give you an insight into a dimension of my past that still haunts me and sometimes shades my world with an unwelcome presence of fear and cynicism.

In unleashing this very private pain, I hope to bring it to the surface so that it can be dealt with properly. I know that’s going to take time though. Trust me; I have no illusions about a single post being entirely cathartic. But I have learned that ignoring or disregarding or even minimalising the very real trauma that I’ve allowed to warp my life and cause me such enormous distress is not the answer anymore. It’s not the way to fix what’s broken. My emotions, both negative and positive, have a right to be acknowledged and handled appropriately. I don’t have to hide from them or think that I am weak for experiencing emotion. My current lesson is deal with them effectively and now that I am able to be more rational, I think I can.

I also need a visual reminder to myself of how far I’ve come. Writing this letter was a huge step for me, one that showed me that I am indeed on the right track to rediscovering my essence and that I am not going to allow myself to submit to a victim mentality. I have made some choices that were not in my own best interests and this letter serves as my cue to pull my own strings, to take responsibility for my own life and happiness.

So here goes …


To the beautiful woman whose husband vowed to love you forever, to honour you, keep you and cherish you until death parts you, to the devoted wife whose husband has now decided that you are not good enough for him, and that he would rather be with another. To that woman who is now suffering the most excruciating pain, the most sickening agony … I am right there with you.

Not too long ago, the same thing happened to me – the devastating blow of betrayal hit me with such a force that I am still reeling from the shock and pain and anger. Hearing of your story brings that insane time to a fresh place in my mind and forces me to process those horrid events all over again. It’s taken a while for me to get to this point, where I can contemplate the destruction of my marriage without breaking down and I need to write this to help me process things a little more and bring me a few steps closer to total acceptance and forgiveness. My son would tell me this is so emo, and yes, it is. But these words may also be of help to you, so it’s worth every second for me to put pen to paper and get this “out there”.

Apart from death, there is no greater form of rejection. That your husband can willingly destroy your life in order to give his heart to another woman is insanely cruel. That he can do it with cold precision and then lay the blame entirely at your feet adds unbearable insult to injury. In his own mind, he can only justify his behaviour by completely denying all wrong doing and portraying you to the world as a “cold bitch”. He simply cannot take responsibility for his actions and he cannot own anything he does. He does not have the strength of character required to do that at the moment. He won’t consider that he may have had a large part to play in the development of your ice queen persona. Doing so would expose a weakness on his part and potentially shut down his exit strategy.

Yes, his exit strategy. You see, he’s been planning this for a long time. Actually, he’s slowly but surely been setting you up, strengthening his way out of this marriage. It’s taken many years to wear you down from the strong independent woman you once were to the controlled, emotionally and mentally abused victim you have become. He has quite deliberately changed the very essence of who you are by controlling every aspect of your life – your finances, your friends, your body, your clothes, your time, hell, even the food you eat. Without you even realizing, you have lost yourself in his domain. Your life now revolves around him, to the point where you are entirely dependent on him and so afraid to lose him you would do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Perhaps you have become withdrawn, submissive, or even lost a lot of weight recently. It seems like you’ve done all you can to make him happy, sacrificed so much so that he could realize his dreams while your dreams and happiness take a back seat. You’ve become miserable without even knowing why exactly. Things just don’t seem right and you started feeling resentful. He’s neglected you, pursued his own interests, it seems like he’s deliberately ignored you and excluded you from things that are important to him. (I remember tearfully saying goodbye as he went on yet another camping trip without me, wondering why he never wanted me to come along, and didn’t ask if I wanted to.) Sometimes it feels like he goes out of his way to keep you low, doubting yourself, stripping you of all self esteem. This has all been quite intentional on his part – he’s been building his case against you, strengthening his exit strategy, arming himself with a defence that would make his future (cowardly) actions acceptable in other’s eyes.

As your relationship declines, he’ll tell everyone that you are cold and irrational, that you have issues, and that he can’t live like that anymore, he’s “tried so hard” to make it work. You suggest counseling and perhaps he agrees, but his heart won’t be in it at all. You wonder what’s happening, if you’re losing your mind. You feel so lost and lonely. By now, you have no close friends and there’s no-one you can talk to. You carry intense pain every day, never quite knowing what will happen next.

The signs are there, they always are – the signs that he’s met someone who appeals to him more than you. But you don’t see them, you’ve given this man absolute power over you and has manipulated your world so that the signs are covered. If you see something amiss and confront him about it, he’ll deny it (“she’s just a friend”) or he’ll rub your face in it (“you deserved it/you asked for it”). You probably never saw the moment of truth coming and you were unprepared for the instant that it was revealed. Your entire world was rocked and your life, as you knew it, was over. Forever.

Now you feel robbed. The future you planned together belongs to him and another. You feel so foolish – all this time (and god knows how long it’s actually been) he’s been in love with someone else but living as your husband. You trusted him with your life and he stabbed you in the heart. He chose to love another, to turn his back on all the promises he made you.

He feels no remorse. He is focused only on being with her. He’s made up his mind and that’s that. Right now, he is 100% determined to be with her, and nothing and no-one is going to persuade him otherwise. She is his fantasy; the one he thinks can make him happy. He is convinced that his peace and joy depends on not being with you, but being with this other person. He really believes this, he hasn’t thought about his happiness as being his responsibility, his choice.

It’s pointless trying to make him see reason at this time; he’ll distort the truth and hand the responsibility heavily over to you. He will never admit to hurting you because in his mind he’s done nothing wrong (you’re a cold bitch, remember?).

Just know this: it’s not about you! He is the weak one, not you. Of course, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work, but it only takes 1 person to destroy it. That someone can do it with such calculated intention is insanely cruel. As bizarre as things seem right now, you are not losing your mind! You are in deep shock – your world has been turned upside down and it seems totally crazy, but it’s the situation that’s crazy, not you!

In the days ahead, there will be so many lies and accusations hurled around, it’s going to be an agonizing and confusing ride. You may seem completely alone in your suffering, but I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are not to blame for his actions (he chose his own path) and you certainly didn’t deserve it. No-one does.

It will be a while until you reach the point of acceptance, and even longer until the day where forgiveness becomes an option you can consider, until you can wake up every day and choose to forgive both of them. I don’t know what the outcome will be for you but try to hold on to 2 things while you grieve the loss of your best friend and your marriage:

1) Everything happens for a reason, and
2) What goes around, comes around …


Speed wobble

Today has been pretty crap for me and to top it off, I’ve just had a nasty, surreal experience.

I linked through to something from a Twitter post and arrived at a site that looked interesting. It had a members’ area, so I went to go have a peak at who was involved in their community and there, staring me in the face was “HER” name on her very own page on the site.

I wasn’t ready for that. I’m still shaking a bit, all sorts of horrible memories have just come flooding back into my head and I’m not handling it very well.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me – reason and logic tells me there’s no point, that it’s a fruitless waste of energy. In my head I know this. My marriage has officially been over for more than a year now and I have to move on.

I’m surprised by this speed wobble. I really thought I’d be beyond reacting in this emo way. But even just seeing her name and her bio has shaken me up badly. It’s a ghastly reminder of everything.

Thankfully there wasn’t a picture though, I may just have punched my monitor.

It’s been a long time since I cried about what happened. Perhaps this is all because I’m a bit low today anyway. I wonder if I’ll ever truly be over it? God, I hope so …