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The state of the weekend

In a nutshell? BLEGH.

Hrmph … it’s my weekend off again¬† the kids are with their dad until this afternoon. Before they left on Friday night, I was honestly looking forward to some time alone, some time to myself when I didn’t have to worry about anyone else for a change, time to get a whole lot of stuff done around the house that I’ve been postponing for bloody ages.

I thought that after the craziness of the last 2 weeks I would really enjoy having some “space” for a change. I was feeling terribly claustrophobic. I tend to get a bit overwhelmed with having people around me 24/7 if I don’t get a regular break from that. That break normally comes on Thursday evenings when the kids go to their dad for the night, but it didn’t happen this last Thursday (again) and so by Friday I was ready to self-combust. I totally needed time to myself!

So, here I am, alone at home on the weekend. And it sucks.

What is it with me? I need space and time to myself and yet, when I get that, I feel lonely and miserable? Fuckit. It’s so confusing …

As for trying to get stuff done? Well, I’ve bombed out on that one so far. The only thing I managed to do was move a bookshelf and organize my collection of business and computer books. Oh yay.

What else did I do yesterday?

Mmk, well in between lurking on Twitter all day as usual, I sat outside in the garden for an hour with a cup of tea, enjoying a bit of sunshine. There was an airshow happening so there was lots of activity in the sky, which I normally quite enjoy but I nearly had a heart attack yesterday when one of the planes flew so fricken low, I thought it was going to clip my roof! I’ve no idea what it was – a big grey specimen of some kind.

I went back inside and looked at all the boxes and shit lying around my room and decided I just didn’t have the energy to face trying to clean that lot up. (What’s new right?)

Back on Twitter, I learned that the ANC had decided to ask Thabo Mbeki to resign as President. Wow, that shocked me a bit. Can they do that? I mean, don’t the rest of us have a say? It struck me again that I know so little about South African politics these days. I guess that’s what happens when you live with your head up your own arse under a rock for 3 years … I need to start catching up again. I’m feeling very stupid in that department.

I read a chapter of my book and passed out for an hour, only to be rudely woken up by the shrieking kids next door who like to scream at the top of their lungs as they drive up and down their driveway on plastic motorbikes. Do you have ANY idea how loud and annoying that is? And their mother, who has this horribly high-pitched whiney voice, spends just about all day shouting at them. Yusee … I’m seriously considering moving, just to get away from them!

Then I got a frantic call from the X to say that Son#1 was MIA (had been since Friday night) and to ask me if I knew of his whereabouts. So I spent a few hours trying to track down Son#1 with no luck. His dad eventually found him at the Brass Bell in Kalk Bay, FFS!

Needless to say, I was seething after that. And very upset … I don’t know the full story yet, I’ll find out when the kids get home this afternoon. Shit.

Then I caught the end of the Liverpool game and was extremely disappointed to see that they hadn’t managed to score at home against Stoke. Bah. (I can only hope and pray that Chelsea don’t win against Man U today or the log’s going to go for a ball of crap!)

And then what? Oh yeah, tried to read a bit more, but felt my eyes getting heavy again so I canned that idea and tackled some knitting.

Big mistake … I’m picking up on a jersey that I started last year and I’m completely bloody lost! Not only on where I am in the pattern, but the stitch is pretty damn complicated so I’m really struggling to get it all together. Actually, I managed to completely cock it up so I had to pull all my work out. Grrrr

By that time it was pretty late and I was feeling horribly depressed about sitting at home alone KNITTING on a Saturday night (AND about devouring a whole bag of Chuckles). Eish …. So I knocked myself out with a sleeping pill and had a disgusting night’s sleep. I think I woke up about 6 times, thanks to some revolting nightmares. Yip, they’re back!

So, how’s that? Pretty edge-of-your-seat stuff hey? *cringe*

Anyhoo, it’s Sunday now, midday, and I’m sitting in my room wondering what to do. I’m feeling so lazy. I should make a start on my room but I get tired just thinking about it!! Sheesh … I’m ridiculously bored.

Perhaps I should just throw all the clothes and stuff on my bed and then I’ll be *forced* to deal with them!? Yeah, mmk, that’s what I’ll do. I’m either being very clever or very stupid now wah!

Off I go …

Sunday emo-ness

Well, it started last night actually … had a little breakdown.

It’s difficult to make sense of exactly how I feel right now so I’m just going to spew.

I am tired – tired of always being the grownup, the boss, the parent. In all areas of my life, the buck stops with me, and me alone. Emphasis on the word “alone”.

Yes, well-meaning people say “you are not alone”, but you know what? That’s not the truth for me.

I.am.very.alone.

No-one shares the endless emotional, physical and financial responsibility I have to live up to every minute of every day. It’s overwhelming.

It seems like my entire life consists of taking care of other people, running around for them, getting wrapped up their dramas, answering their questions, making sure they have what they need, looking after them. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me (I said “seems” – that is my current perception.)

And it feels like there’s nothing left for me.

It seems like I’ll forever be the one who has to give, give, give … a lot of people are sapping me dry. And it’s wearing me down into nothingness. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself again and I have no energy to change anything.

How is it that my life is so ridiculously full, and yet so pathetically empty? It’s full of chores, duties, responsibilities and tasks. There is no fun, no leisure time, no-one to share with.

It all seems so dreary and pointless right now. It seems like I am going nowhere again. I’ve allowed this to happen and I’m angry with myself for letting myself get sucked into wasting who I am. What have I honestly got to look to forward to? Where am I going to be this time next year? In 5 years? 10 Years?

I don’t like who I am today, the sad, caged animal I have become.

I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

[Three Days Grace]

The kids are keeping me going today … there are 5 amazing young souls here – full of big life and loud, buzzing energy. I am so grateful to be surrounded by all this vitality right now.