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It’s a girl thing

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

“If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.”

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Funny ha ha

Thanks for this one, Cosmo Tit … keep ’em coming =)

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “Its Keith. The midget.”

Tickle them funny bones

I love getting jokes and general funny stuff from friends and family. Here are a couple for you, hope you have a giggle =) 

AN IRISHMAN WALKS INTO A BAR

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone is fine. It’s me…”

“…I’ve quit drinking!”

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WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes.¬†

Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in ” Fine”

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.

A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over ” Nothing”

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a  man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”.

WHATEVER
It’s a woman’s way of saying *!#@ YOU!

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19 WAYS TO DEAL WITH INSANITY

1.  At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars to See if They Slow Down.

2. ¬†Page Yourself Over The Intercom. ¬†Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3.  Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. ¬†Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. ¬†In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds”

7. ¬†Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With the Prophecy.”

8. ¬†Don’t use any punctuation

9.  As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. ¬†Order a ‘diet water’ whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. ¬†Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12.  Sing Along At The Opera.

13. ¬†Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don’t Rhyme

14.  Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. ¬†Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re not in the Mood.

16.  Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. ¬†When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

18. ¬†When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. ¬†Tell Your Children Over Dinner, “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

Just for fun

Cosmo Tit just sent me this – I think it’s brilliant =)

MARRIED LIFE

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower .

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold up here”.

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.

“WOW!!! ….that’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “get your own f**king blanket!”.

There was a stunned silence.

Then he farted.