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In my perfect world

  1. Mother Nature would not be such a bitch. I mean REALLY! Pimples and wrinkles at the same time? Come ON!
  2. My phone and doorbell would never ring. Not ever.
  3. Adjustable bras, as clever as they are, wouldn’t unhook themselves and smack me in my face. Usually at the *most* inconvenient time, of course.
  4. I’d get paid to read for a living. Yes, I AM that lazy.
  5. Forgetting a movie 5 minutes after I’d just watched it would never happen. Do you realize how tiresome this is?
  6. I’d totally rock the “Eau Natural” look.
  7. T-shirt manufacturers would take into account that some of us ACTUALLY HAVE BOOBS!
  8. House plants would never need to be watered. Please don’t ever buy me one as a gift – it’ll just die, mmk?
  9. My son would never say: “So how did you manage to put on so much weight?” Thanks boy – love you too!
  10. Muffin tops would be regarded as a Thing of Beauty. Enviable even.


(No, those aren’t mine)