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Now I feel kak guilty and bad

Yesterday I spewed my emo self all over this screen and now I feel bad …

I feel bad that I’ve upset my Dad and stressed him out 🙁

Dad, I’m sorry. I so don’t want you to worry about me. If I’ve put a burden on your shoulders, please forgive me. I’m 37 years old, I shouldn’t do that. You’ve done so much for me to help me feel stronger, to re-build my confidence and now I’ve surely disappointed you.

I just don’t know where I should be right now. I’m supposed to be a big girl, I’m supposed to cope on my own and I’m supposed to be strong enough to not feel overwhelmed like this.

I have two teenage sons and yet I feel like a child myself sometimes. A lot of the time I am indeed a strong, independent and very capable person. But at times like this, I’m not and I feel ashamed for worrying people, for appearing weak and immature.

This is when I want to just completely disconnect from everyone and everything. I’ve put my Skype onto “do no disturb”, I am not replying to any Facebook stuff and I can’t sum up the courage to do anything but lurk in Twitterland. Part of me does not want to spread my bad energy.

But my blog is a bit different – you are reading this by your own choice and I know you can simply click off this site if you don’t want to read anymore. So I am forcing myself to write this out and publish it. Because I need to. Because perhaps I can make some sense out of all this black confusion if I express it in writing. And it’s the ONLY way I can connect with anyone in ANY way right now. My natural instinct is to totally withdraw into my cave like a wounded animal. And at this very moment, in my pit of pain, I am experiencing some very scary feelings. Again.

I really have some dark periods … this is definitely one of them. At least they are not chained together anymore – there are some gaps between them. I just have to ride this out I guess.

Or am I wrong?

Do I let things run their course? Do I wait for this to pass? Do I let time do its “thing”?

Or what? What am I supposed to do? In this very moment?

I can’t think too clearly right now. I feel a bit like I’m a daze …

Sunday emo-ness

Well, it started last night actually … had a little breakdown.

It’s difficult to make sense of exactly how I feel right now so I’m just going to spew.

I am tired – tired of always being the grownup, the boss, the parent. In all areas of my life, the buck stops with me, and me alone. Emphasis on the word “alone”.

Yes, well-meaning people say “you are not alone”, but you know what? That’s not the truth for me.

No-one shares the endless emotional, physical and financial responsibility I have to live up to every minute of every day. It’s overwhelming.

It seems like my entire life consists of taking care of other people, running around for them, getting wrapped up their dramas, answering their questions, making sure they have what they need, looking after them. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me (I said “seems” – that is my current perception.)

And it feels like there’s nothing left for me.

It seems like I’ll forever be the one who has to give, give, give … a lot of people are sapping me dry. And it’s wearing me down into nothingness. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself again and I have no energy to change anything.

How is it that my life is so ridiculously full, and yet so pathetically empty? It’s full of chores, duties, responsibilities and tasks. There is no fun, no leisure time, no-one to share with.

It all seems so dreary and pointless right now. It seems like I am going nowhere again. I’ve allowed this to happen and I’m angry with myself for letting myself get sucked into wasting who I am. What have I honestly got to look to forward to? Where am I going to be this time next year? In 5 years? 10 Years?

I don’t like who I am today, the sad, caged animal I have become.

I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

[Three Days Grace]

The kids are keeping me going today … there are 5 amazing young souls here – full of big life and loud, buzzing energy. I am so grateful to be surrounded by all this vitality right now.

Things need to change

*emo warning*

Enough is enough! I’ve put my life and happiness on the back burner for long enough.

I’ve spent the last 3 years as an emotional cripple, dealing with the shock and horror of a marriage that went south and dragged me down with it. I’ve been living in no-man’s land, numbed by grief and fear, trying to survive each day without falling completely apart.

As you can imagine, everything has suffered – my health, my mind, my relationships, my home, and my business. I can see how my depression and withdrawal has allowed all aspects of my life to deteriorate. There is so much that I have neglected of late and I just can’t leave it any longer. I know that if I don’t take steps to sort things out, catch up with the world and get back on top everything, not much is going to go well for me in the future.

My Dad has always told me that I am stronger than I think; others close to me have always believed in my ability to tough it out and survive and I’ve pushed through some really hard times in my life. But I haven’t really believed in myself for a while now, perhaps because my self esteem was so totally shredded. This needs to change, I have to find a way to get excited about my life again, to regain my confidence and meet my challenges head on. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m in a slump, I really want get my life back on track again. I have to start making some changes.

This would have been damn near impossible for to contemplate before now, but I’m starting to feel a bit stronger, like I have reached the point where I’m ready to move forward.

So that’s that! It’s decided – time for me to out of my funk, and into my groove …

This is NOT going to be easy, it’s not going to be quick and I’ll have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. (I am inclined to give myself a hard time if I don’t do things as fast or as well as I think they should be done.) It’s actually going to be an incredible amount of work – you have no idea how much stuff I have to do, how many things I have to organize! And my chronic migraines and fatigue aren’t going to help either. Actually, if anything is going to screw up my plans and set me back, it’s that, and that worries me. Even as I write this, my back is in spasm, my shoulders are locked up around my ears, my head feels like it’s going to explode, I feel like I want to hooch and I can hardly see straight. Not Good. Oh boy … baby steps, baby steps …

Wish me luck and send me happy vibes as I tackle a To Do list as long as The Great Wall! And my first task, when I am done with work for the day, is to draw up the list =)