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I’m not really ok

Some of you have noticed that I’m somewhat MIA – thanks for missing me. Really.

The truth is that I’m not really ok at the moment. I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy and fuss – that’s the last thing I want. I’m just letting you know that I’m going through a rough time. A really rough time. Actually, I’m in the middle of a horribly dark depression and when that happens, I go quiet. I withdraw and shut down. Right or wrong, it’s just how I deal with things.

So that’s why I haven’t been on Twitter, why I haven’t been on Facebook, why I haven’t been blogging and why I’m not engaging with people in general at the moment. I simply don’t have the energy. I’m completely drained – physically, emotionally and mentally.

If you suffer from depression, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, my behaviour might seem inexplicable and you probably won’t be able to relate to anything I’m saying.

But it’s real. Very real.

And it needs to be overcome. And it will be. I just need some time to sort my shit out and pull myself towards myself. I don’t know how long it will take – could be days, could be weeks – but I’ll get there. This is not a new experience for me, unfortunately, but I always get over it sooner or later.

Mmk, this was a hard post to write – it’s not exactly easy admitting that you’re fragile and down in the dumps when everyone perceives you to be this strong and inspirational being.

I’m no superwoman.

I’m just human.

Things need to change

*emo warning*

Enough is enough! I’ve put my life and happiness on the back burner for long enough.

I’ve spent the last 3 years as an emotional cripple, dealing with the shock and horror of a marriage that went south and dragged me down with it. I’ve been living in no-man’s land, numbed by grief and fear, trying to survive each day without falling completely apart.

As you can imagine, everything has suffered – my health, my mind, my relationships, my home, and my business. I can see how my depression and withdrawal has allowed all aspects of my life to deteriorate. There is so much that I have neglected of late and I just can’t leave it any longer. I know that if I don’t take steps to sort things out, catch up with the world and get back on top everything, not much is going to go well for me in the future.

My Dad has always told me that I am stronger than I think; others close to me have always believed in my ability to tough it out and survive and I’ve pushed through some really hard times in my life. But I haven’t really believed in myself for a while now, perhaps because my self esteem was so totally shredded. This needs to change, I have to find a way to get excited about my life again, to regain my confidence and meet my challenges head on. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m in a slump, I really want get my life back on track again. I have to start making some changes.

This would have been damn near impossible for to contemplate before now, but I’m starting to feel a bit stronger, like I have reached the point where I’m ready to move forward.

So that’s that! It’s decided – time for me to out of my funk, and into my groove …

This is NOT going to be easy, it’s not going to be quick and I’ll have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. (I am inclined to give myself a hard time if I don’t do things as fast or as well as I think they should be done.) It’s actually going to be an incredible amount of work – you have no idea how much stuff I have to do, how many things I have to organize! And my chronic migraines and fatigue aren’t going to help either. Actually, if anything is going to screw up my plans and set me back, it’s that, and that worries me. Even as I write this, my back is in spasm, my shoulders are locked up around my ears, my head feels like it’s going to explode, I feel like I want to hooch and I can hardly see straight. Not Good. Oh boy … baby steps, baby steps …

Wish me luck and send me happy vibes as I tackle a To Do list as long as The Great Wall! And my first task, when I am done with work for the day, is to draw up the list =)

Weekend roundup

Friday was miserable. I mean, I was miserable – I had the crappiest day to top off a pretty bad week – probably an accumulation of not enough sleep and “that time of the month.” I was so low, felt like my world was caving in on top of me. I’m not sure why or how, but sometimes angry depression hits me so hard that I feel frantic, frustrated, and on the brink of a massive emotional explosion.

On Friday I woke up feeling like I just needed to be alone, to have some time to myself. Having the office at home is very convenient in some ways but it also means that I am constantly surrounded by people, which is so draining for me. I enjoy being social (when I have the energy) but I find it incredibly stressful to have other people here for at least 50 hours every week – there isn’t a moment’s privacy, and that’s something I desperately need. Added to that is the horrid negative energy around at the moment (so bad that it actually churns my gut!) and it’s a recipe for disaster for me, a sure fire way to screw with my head and send me spiraling down into what feels like hell. I try to reason with myself and tell myself that I couldn’t keep the business going without them here, but logic goes out the window in the midst of everything and I struggle to function, let alone think straight about anything.

Anyway, so Friday was awful – tense, confusing and tearful – and I couldn’t wait for it to be over so that I could wake up on Saturday and just get on with being me, run some errands and potter freely round the house without feeling like I was being suffocated, under surveillance or being forced to absorb some very odd vibes. And that’s exactly what I did on Saturday. Bits and pieces of domestic stuff, not very exciting, but it kept me busy for a few hours and let me cross off a few things from my mammoth, never-ending “to do” list. I also carried on playing LOST on my Xbox 360 – love that game!! I got quite far and managed to unlock some new achievements and score a whole bunch of new gamer points – I’m starting to look like a hardcore gamer haha =)

Sunday was a very lazy morning; I only got up at lunch time …. I cleaned up a bit and got stuck into the back garden. Recently, I dug the whole thing up and replanted. It’s been a while since I did anything besides just water it and get the grass cut, so I cleared out the beds, trimmed all the lawn edges and ripped out some plants that didn’t manage to survive (mostly due to the damn dogs peeing on them), and put down a sprinkling of organic snail bait. Then I cooked dinner and fired up my Xbox to finish LOST. Shit, what am I going to play now?? I’ll probably go back and redo some parts so that I can get all the achievements – it’s fairly easy to get them in this game, which is great ‘cos I’m not exactly gifted as a gamer =) I enjoying playing, but I kinda suck. I like playing Burnout (the old one, not “Paradise”) and the WSOP games – lots of fun, especially if you play with other gamers on Xbox Live.

Today I need to go and get something to kill the worms in my garden – these big fat green and pink mothers are devouring everything! And they don’t discriminate – just about every poor plant has holey evidence of midnight worm feasts!!

But first, its gym time! I haven’t been since Friday (only went twice last week which is not great) and I feel like a bit of a lazy lump. So, I’m going to tough it out for an hour and work up a good sweat.

I’m feeling much better today. I really hope I can keep myself in a relatively good frame of mind. I’m going to try hard not to let other people’s shit affect me ….