Yesterday I spewed my emo self all over this screen and now I feel bad …
I feel bad that I’ve upset my Dad and stressed him out 🙁
Dad, I’m sorry. I so don’t want you to worry about me. If I’ve put a burden on your shoulders, please forgive me. I’m 37 years old, I shouldn’t do that. You’ve done so much for me to help me feel stronger, to re-build my confidence and now I’ve surely disappointed you.
I just don’t know where I should be right now. I’m supposed to be a big girl, I’m supposed to cope on my own and I’m supposed to be strong enough to not feel overwhelmed like this.
I have two teenage sons and yet I feel like a child myself sometimes. A lot of the time I am indeed a strong, independent and very capable person. But at times like this, I’m not and I feel ashamed for worrying people, for appearing weak and immature.
This is when I want to just completely disconnect from everyone and everything. I’ve put my Skype onto “do no disturb”, I am not replying to any Facebook stuff and I can’t sum up the courage to do anything but lurk in Twitterland. Part of me does not want to spread my bad energy.
But my blog is a bit different – you are reading this by your own choice and I know you can simply click off this site if you don’t want to read anymore. So I am forcing myself to write this out and publish it. Because I need to. Because perhaps I can make some sense out of all this black confusion if I express it in writing. And it’s the ONLY way I can connect with anyone in ANY way right now. My natural instinct is to totally withdraw into my cave like a wounded animal. And at this very moment, in my pit of pain, I am experiencing some very scary feelings. Again.
I really have some dark periods … this is definitely one of them. At least they are not chained together anymore – there are some gaps between them. I just have to ride this out I guess.
Or am I wrong?
Do I let things run their course? Do I wait for this to pass? Do I let time do its “thing”?
Or what? What am I supposed to do? In this very moment?
I can’t think too clearly right now. I feel a bit like I’m a daze …