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The turning point

Son#1 has reached a turning point – this is what he says, and the counselor’s agree with him.

At yesterday’s session, he told us how he had had a brilliant week, that he’d really been working hard and that he’d started to talk … for the first time. It’s taken weeks of being in the clinic, but he’s finally begun to open up to the other kids and to the counselors and on Wednesday, he spoke for the first time about his attempt on his life.

He’s also found an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) sponsor, which he’s very happy about.

At last … he’s participating, he’s thinking, he’s confronting, he’s digging and he’s talking. For so long now, for so many years, I have wanted him to open up, to talk about how he’s feeling instead of just saying “fine” all the time!

He’s facing issues that he’s blocked out his mind and numbed with alcohol and narcotics for years. He’s dealing with trauma that has wounded his soul and he’s winning. He’s starting to look human again, he’s starting to look like the beautiful strong young man he really is.

He’s allowed to come home this weekend and sleep here too, so I’m going to fetch him a bit later and then I’ll find out what he is and isn’t allowed to do over the next two days.

I know there was a bit of conflict around him going out tomorrow – the counselors want him to have one “clean” weekend in the house before that happens, and he was not happy about that at all. So that could potentially be the only hiccup.

I sure hope so … after what happened last weekend (which the counselors reckon was a good thing) and the way I’m feeling right now, drama is something I/we can all do without!

I must be a complete moron

That post I put up yesterday? The one about me feeling strong and finding my mojo?

It turned out to be bullshit.

Yesterday took a full-on vertical nose-dive. For one thing, the Family Session was bloody awful … for me at least, not for everyone else (I’ll write about how Son#1 is doing a bit later). Then Sir G had to leave the office in the afternoon while I was out and he came back distraught – he was not coping with our breakup.

After all the drama of the day, I found myself totally spinning out and spiraling downwards ridiculously quickly …

You think you’re a good enough mother? WRONG.

You think you were an ok girlfriend? WRONG.

You think you had your own side to the divorce story? WRONG.

You think you had a voice? WRONG.

You think it’s ok for you to look after yourself and “be selfish”? WRONG.

“Hands up all those who thought it was safe to come out of their cave …” YOU? NOT SO FAST!

I keep hearing that we are presented with challenges in order to teach us things we need to learn in our lives. Well, I must be a complete and utter moron!

Universe: whatever “tests” you’re dishing out to me AGAIN – keep them! Just leave me to my stupid self, ok? I’m not interested anymore, you hear me? I give up man …You win. I’m the bad guy, I’m the villain, everything is my fault and no matter what the fuck I do, no matter which way I turn or what new angles I try, no-one’s ever going to be satisfied. I’m either hurting myself or other people. Lose-lose.

I just really don’t know what to do anymore …

EVERY SINGLE TIME I start feeling stronger I get side-wiped.


Mmk, so that’s what I wrote last night … I didn’t publish it because firstly, I felt a bit embarrassed that all my RARA bravado seemed to be a crock of shit and secondly, because I didn’t want to worry anyone.

But I’ve had a good night’s rest now (thank goodness for sleeping pills) and I’ve woken up feeling slightly better today.

Better or numb? Actually, I’m not sure. But I’m not drowning in self-pity, so I guess that’s a plus?

Sheesh … we’ll see what the day holds.

And please don’t give me any chipper TGIF crap – I’ll be working my a$$ off this weekend …

It’s all good

It seems like things are starting to look up 😀

I had the most awesome conversation with Son#1 on the herringbone last night and he sounded like he was actually content. He was neither up nor down, but calm, in a matter-of-fact kinda way. He told me that he’s had good feedback from the counselors on his last 2 days at the clinic – that he’s been working really hard on facing some difficult issues and making some headway.

Mmk, I don’t know if that’s all true (I’ll find out tomorrow when we have another Family Session), but I felt some peace in his voice for the first time in ages and that has to be a good thing right? Aaah, my boy … I love you so much baby.

I had a fantastic sleep last night – passed out at about 10.30, slept right through and woke up at 6am this morning (that’s sparrow fart to me). I was determined not to hit those snooze buttons and to get a jump start on my day … and I did it!! No snooze buttons, no sleeping in woohoo!! (Thanks to @YellowLlama and @PaulJohnston for tweeting with me to keep me awake hehe) I’ve now added a whole extra hour onto my Wednesday 🙂

And I’ve just eaten a HUGE frog. Seriaas.

Yip, I looked at all the things I needed to do today and chose the one that looked like the crappiest, goriest, most unappetizing task on my list and NAILED it!! Whew – feels great 🙂

According to Brian Tracy, author of Eat That Frog!, if you get the worst job over and done with FIRST, then all the rest is a breeze … the thing that’s causing you the most stress is a thing of the past, no longer playing on your mind and you are free to give everything else the attention it deserves.

Let me tell you – it works!! I have massive amounts of work and personal stuff to get through today but that’s a huge weight off my shoulders already and I’m feeling the strengthening effects of that. Pretty cool hey?

Another reason for things starting to look up is that we now have a shortlist of candidates to start interviewing so it won’t be long until I have a full team in place again. YAAAY!

I’ve also made some potentially brilliant business contacts (via Twitter ‘n stuff), so that’s awesome and I’m looking forward to forming some great relationships on that front.

And even MORE good news … my new Personal Assistant, JOC, flies out from London TONIGHT!!! Yessiree! She’s on her way and I’m so damn happy, I could just about bust my foo foo valve 😀

*fires up iTunes and chooses a random rock mix*

Midnight drama

An eventful night it’s been!

I had to take Son#1 back to the clinic just now … I’ve been on the phone to his dad to update him on the story and get his input on how to handle things.

Luckily Son#2 was fast asleep during all of this and was spared the drama.

The counselor will see Son#1 first thing in the morning and after that well, I’m not sure if they’ll allow him out again this weekend.

I’m distraught … sitting here alone in the dark, feeling so helpless and sad and afraid.



UPDATE: 09/08/08 8:20am

In the light of day, looking back at last night, I realise this:

I’m such an IDIOT!! Why the fuck did I leave alcohol in the house??!!! I feel so stupid!!!

DAMMIT, you dumb woman!

I should have been more careful. I should have thought about him getting up in the night and quietly hunting for booze. If he hadn’t come to me with an empty bottle in his hand, asking me to help him, I would never have fucking known!!

Oh god …

In the car last night, on the way to the clinic, through red-hot tears and pungent whiskey breath, he said to me: “Oh Mom! Why did I DO this? I have fucked up my life!! I am going to have to stay there longer, I’m going to fail this year, I won’t get into university. My whole life is fucked!”


UPDATE: 09/08/08 10.30am

So the X has just arrived with Son#1 to fetch Son#2 for breakfast – he fetched our boy from the clinic and spoke to the counselor there (Tag Team Partner No.1).

The deal is that Son#1 is either in his dad’s care 100% of the time, or he’s at the clinic. He is not allowed to be here with me anymore because I, and I quote, “am obviously not strong enough to handle him.”


Do I like hearing those words?


Is it a true statement?

Not in my opinion, no.

Will I do what the professionals think is in the best interest of my child?


He’s climbing the walls

I just got back from visiting Son#1 at the clinic and he ain’t doing well today …

He doesn’t want to be there

He feels like he’s getting nothing out of it

He says it’s a waste of time

He’s so sick of being asked: “how are you?”

He can’t connect with the Terrible Tag Team

He doesn’t want to talk

He can’t relate to the other kids in there, bar one

He feels lonely and isolated

He wants everyone to leave him alone

He just wants to leave

I told him to write this all down and raise it in the community session tomorrow, to tell the counselors that he had something to say and that everyone should just shut up until he’d finished. I told him to put all this to them, to close his eyes and talk if that would help. I told him to feel his anger and frustration and shout at them if he needed to!

I know those counselors can be damn intimidating and I personally don’t think they handle my boy in a way that encourages him to talk at all. They keep butting in and totally stopping his train of thought. I’ve seen how he clams up and becomes extremely defensive with them.

I hope he can manage to do this, to call a spade a shovel. I think it’s important for him.

Anyway, he seemed a bit brighter after we chatted about what he was going through and he’d written all his thoughts down …

Then I let him sit in my car for a while and listen to some music. He misses his music so much now that they have made a decision not to allow CD’s to be played there. Poor guy, he’s pissed off about that.

I am starting to get a bit pissed off myself. They “encourage” family to be involved – grandparents and siblings especially. His gran and his brother have both been to visit Son#1 in the clinic and today I was told they couldn’t go … wtf? No explanation, nothing. That really grates me. If you make a decision or change your mind about something then fine, but if it’s going to affect other people, at least have the damn decency to give them a reason!