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The state of the weekend

In a nutshell? BLEGH.

Hrmph … it’s my weekend off again¬† the kids are with their dad until this afternoon. Before they left on Friday night, I was honestly looking forward to some time alone, some time to myself when I didn’t have to worry about anyone else for a change, time to get a whole lot of stuff done around the house that I’ve been postponing for bloody ages.

I thought that after the craziness of the last 2 weeks I would really enjoy having some “space” for a change. I was feeling terribly claustrophobic. I tend to get a bit overwhelmed with having people around me 24/7 if I don’t get a regular break from that. That break normally comes on Thursday evenings when the kids go to their dad for the night, but it didn’t happen this last Thursday (again) and so by Friday I was ready to self-combust. I totally needed time to myself!

So, here I am, alone at home on the weekend. And it sucks.

What is it with me? I need space and time to myself and yet, when I get that, I feel lonely and miserable? Fuckit. It’s so confusing …

As for trying to get stuff done? Well, I’ve bombed out on that one so far. The only thing I managed to do was move a bookshelf and organize my collection of business and computer books. Oh yay.

What else did I do yesterday?

Mmk, well in between lurking on Twitter all day as usual, I sat outside in the garden for an hour with a cup of tea, enjoying a bit of sunshine. There was an airshow happening so there was lots of activity in the sky, which I normally quite enjoy but I nearly had a heart attack yesterday when one of the planes flew so fricken low, I thought it was going to clip my roof! I’ve no idea what it was – a big grey specimen of some kind.

I went back inside and looked at all the boxes and shit lying around my room and decided I just didn’t have the energy to face trying to clean that lot up. (What’s new right?)

Back on Twitter, I learned that the ANC had decided to ask Thabo Mbeki to resign as President. Wow, that shocked me a bit. Can they do that? I mean, don’t the rest of us have a say? It struck me again that I know so little about South African politics these days. I guess that’s what happens when you live with your head up your own arse under a rock for 3 years … I need to start catching up again. I’m feeling very stupid in that department.

I read a chapter of my book and passed out for an hour, only to be rudely woken up by the shrieking kids next door who like to scream at the top of their lungs as they drive up and down their driveway on plastic motorbikes. Do you have ANY idea how loud and annoying that is? And their mother, who has this horribly high-pitched whiney voice, spends just about all day shouting at them. Yusee … I’m seriously considering moving, just to get away from them!

Then I got a frantic call from the X to say that Son#1 was MIA (had been since Friday night) and to ask me if I knew of his whereabouts. So I spent a few hours trying to track down Son#1 with no luck. His dad eventually found him at the Brass Bell in Kalk Bay, FFS!

Needless to say, I was seething after that. And very upset … I don’t know the full story yet, I’ll find out when the kids get home this afternoon. Shit.

Then I caught the end of the Liverpool game and was extremely disappointed to see that they hadn’t managed to score at home against Stoke. Bah. (I can only hope and pray that Chelsea don’t win against Man U today or the log’s going to go for a ball of crap!)

And then what? Oh yeah, tried to read a bit more, but felt my eyes getting heavy again so I canned that idea and tackled some knitting.

Big mistake … I’m picking up on a jersey that I started last year and I’m completely bloody lost! Not only on where I am in the pattern, but the stitch is pretty damn complicated so I’m really struggling to get it all together. Actually, I managed to completely cock it up so I had to pull all my work out. Grrrr

By that time it was pretty late and I was feeling horribly depressed about sitting at home alone KNITTING on a Saturday night (AND about devouring a whole bag of Chuckles). Eish …. So I knocked myself out with a sleeping pill and had a disgusting night’s sleep. I think I woke up about 6 times, thanks to some revolting nightmares. Yip, they’re back!

So, how’s that? Pretty edge-of-your-seat stuff hey? *cringe*

Anyhoo, it’s Sunday now, midday, and I’m sitting in my room wondering what to do. I’m feeling so lazy. I should make a start on my room but I get tired just thinking about it!! Sheesh … I’m ridiculously bored.

Perhaps I should just throw all the clothes and stuff on my bed and then I’ll be *forced* to deal with them!? Yeah, mmk, that’s what I’ll do. I’m either being very clever or very stupid now wah!

Off I go …

Disconnect

DISCONNECT:
to become detached or withdrawn <disconnects into dark moods>

When I woke up this morning I was so optimistic about the day ahead, and I was determined to make it a good one. But now I find myself in the kukkest of moods, feeling very “off” and definitely in a don’t-mess-with-me frame of mind.

I know why though. I’m feeling seriously isolated and disconnected from the world at the moment.

I have not left the house in 10 days now (I shit you not) and I’ve only seen 1 new face in all that time. I am thoroughly bored of staring at these walls day in and day out. I’m bored of seeing the same faces and hearing the same voices every day. Sorry if that offends the people that I work with, but it’s not about you, it’s me mmk?

So I’m sitting here thinking that I’m probably way to overdressed for my dining room AGAIN and I REALLY want to get out of here sometime today and be in a different place, see some new faces, take in some new smells, hear some new sounds, anything …

Sheesh, at times like this I really miss driving to work – I don’t even have that time anymore to be out on the road, to be part of a community of people all trying to achieve the same thing. I miss seeing new faces and people watching.

Where to go? What to do?

Obviously I can’t spare too much time – I have quite a bit of work to get through but I have to get out, even if it’s just for one fricken hour! Perhaps I’ll go to Cavendish, even though I detest shopping and shopping malls. I need to stock up on a few personal items and I would like to check out some new music that’s been recommended to me. I could even go and sit on my own in a coffee shop or something – I’ve never done that before.

Not exactly ground-breaking stuff though, is it?

Another day in the trenches

And it’s not a good one …

I’m going to have a little vent here. You can indulge me or you can move on. It’s cool; I won’t be offended if I see you’ve clicked away after only a few seconds.

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Physically, I am shattered today. I had a really bad night’s sleep and I’m totally exhausted. I also woke up with a splitting headache (what’s new) and I’m freezing cold. So I’m sitting here feeling very sorry for myself – miserable, tired, frozen and sore =(

I really need a holiday. Any kind of break will do, I just feel like I need some R&R.

Other than that, I’m so bloody bored and completely frustrated! Being short staffed is the pits. I am still looking for new staff and having no luck. The ad on Bizcommunity has run it’s course and we got nix out of it. My inbox is normally flooded with CV’s – where the hell is everyone?

I desperately want to move on to new projects – ideas that have been bubbling under for a while that I want to bring to the front burner and start developing. But I’m stuck DAMMIT! I’m doing donkey work on websites because I don’t have enough people. It totally sucks and I feel like I’m wasting my talent.

Jeesh, 10 years ago I was doing much more exciting work. Hells, even before I got into the web I was having a ball running a design studio and lecturing at a college after that. Then I discovered the internet and found my passion. I designed and developed a very large corporate intranet, I managed some big international sites and I created front ends for some high profile online medical and banking systems. Then I setup my own business and had tons of fun developing my own projects.

After that, well … shit happened.

And now I’m bloody stuck and I don’t want to be. I’m not doing anything new; I’m not learning anything new. I feel like my creativity is being stifled and as much I as want to start doing sexy work again, I can’t! I’m turning away a ridiculous amount of work every week.

Don’t get me wrong – I am VERY grateful to be able to work and make a living. But this business is my only source of income and if I can’t move it forward, it’s not going to last for very much longer. And then I’ll be screwed.

I’m also not getting any younger you know – I want to use my brain before all the relevant synapses go on a permanent strike. Shit, the last time I did any serious development, PHP was just a puppy! And I haven’t touched Flash for ages.

And then there’s the fact that I want a personal life too. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much and I want to have a life outside of these four walls that I stare at all day, every day. But being drained of energy and robbed of time because I’m forced to put in long, tedious hours doing repetitive crap work is ensuring that that doesn’t happen either.

I need more staff!!!

I’ve even contemplated selling the business and retiring so that I can get out of this horrible rut and buy myself the time to do what I love. I could do that. I may have to if things don’t change soon.

Sucks to be me right now.

</vent>

Ok, that’s it. I’m done. Vent over. If you’re still here, thanks for listening.