In a word: PRIVACY
I am loathe to feed the gossiping interlopers – people IRL with big mouths who feel it’s their right to poke their nose into my personal life and concern themselves with what’s actually none of their business.
Thanks so much to everyone who voted for me – you rock! And I’m stoked to be representing Cape Town and the erm, “veteran” age group.
But a photo shoot? This is like my worst nightmare just came true. Gulp.
115 Days until my 40th birthday.
I give you fair warning: this is an emo post.
It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very private person and I enjoy being on my own. Occasionally. I have at least 9 other people in my personal space all day, 5 days a week, so I relish the peace and privacy that each weekend promises. What I don’t enjoy, however, is the fact that I have no choice in the matter, that I have no other option but to be alone right now and that upsets me. This isn’t how it’s meant to be …
Funny, yesterday all I wanted was to have 10 minutes to myself out in my garden and I couldn’t get that. Here I am today, out in my garden, utterly alone. And I feel completely miserable because this is not what I want. Not today.
It’s been nearly 4 months since Sir G and I split up and apart from the years of trauma I went through before, during and after my divorce, this has to be one of the toughest periods in my life.
I’ve not been properly single for nearly 20 years. In all that time I’ve had 2 relationships – one with my ex husband (15 years) and one with Sir G (4 years). Some tell me that I am loyal to a fault, but that’s another story for another time.
I always knew that sooner or later, me being “the boss” was going to be a problem. That, plus the fact that I live in and work from this house. Eventually, Sir G just disliked both these things too much for us to continue with our personal relationship.
Do I still love him? Without doubt.
Do I miss him? Terribly.
Are we friends? I’d like to think so.
Are we still going away on holiday together next month? Definitely.
Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.
He’s beautiful, inside and out. We were lucky enough to share a sublime connection during our time together.
But …
The thing is, I may be “the boss” from 9-5, but I certainly don’t want to wear that mantle all the time, and definitely not after hours. That’s the problem when people perceive you as being a strong, independent woman – they don’t realize that there are times when you want/need to let that all go and just be, well, vulnerable. There are times when all you want is to be with someone who knows you inside out and takes care of you for a change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
*waits for the feminist backlash*
Looking back, I don’t think I’ve had the privilege of sharing that treasured 4-way bond with anyone.
Looking forward, I don’t know that I ever will.
And that depresses the hell out of me.
Let’s get real for a minute here: I am staring down the barrel of being a 40-year old divorcee with 2 nearly grown kids.
That’s not a great prospect.
And if you’re about to tell me something akin to “but life begins at 40!” … Fuck off.
What bullshit. I know not ONE woman over 40 who’s walking that talk. Anyone who claims that is lying. They’re telling themselves it’s OK to live without someone to love completely and who loves you back unconditionally. It’s not.
That’s not living. That’s missing out on what makes everything you feel, smell, hear, taste, touch, think and dream come alive.
I want that.
And no, I don’t think I “deserve” it. That’s bullshit too. No-one deserves anything. Life doesn’t play fair.
*sigh*
I see people all around me hooking up, getting engaged, embarking on the journey of marriage together.
I’m happy for them.
I’m sad for me.
5 Years ago, even just 2 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of getting married again. But now … now I’m ready. And now I’m single. Oh, the irony!
Hah.
Every day I ask myself: is this it? Is this how my life is going to be until I kick the bucket?
Work. Eat. Read. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.
Seems pretty pointless to me.
I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and this is what I see:
Who would want to team up with that?
It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.
Will I always be alone? I rather suspect the answer may be a resounding “YES!”
Jeez … *I* miss me!
Holy Canoli, but life’s been a bit mad over the last few months. It’s work, mostly – lots of stuffs happening. Lots ‘n lots ‘n lots! And it’s all terribly exciting. And new. And big. And challenging. And I can’t really say much more than that, you’ll just have to watch this space, heh 😉
Needless to say, I’ve had bugger-all time to blog, which is pretty sad because getting my thoughts out here is really good for me. Plus, no-one really knows what the hell is going on in my life these days. My poor li’l old blog is looking very neglected and I miss the interaction with you guys too. Most of you do follow me on Twitter though, and that’s where I’ve been spending my time connecting online. It’s the fastest way for me to keep up with everything and share stuff with you. Also (and I dig this), I can quietly slip away without anyone noticing when I need to focus on work and other things. Anyhoo, you’ll probably know quite a bit about what’s been going on with me from there. Not everything though. Some stuff is just too big to share in only 140 characters and I need to put together a few decent posts – mainly to set things straight in my own head. And sheesh, I’ve still got a whole bunch of pics from the World Cup sitting on my phone that I want to upload, before that becomes ancient history!
For now though, I’m focusing my attention on work and the things I need to get done BEFORE I GO ON HOLIDAY!! Yes, yours truly is *finally* going to take a damn holiday 😀 More about that later …
So, onwards and upwards I guess, hey?
xxx