It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very private person and I enjoy being on my own. Occasionally.  I have at least 9 other people in my personal space all day, 5 days a week, so I relish the peace and privacy that each weekend promises. What I don’t enjoy, however, is the fact that I have no choice in the matter, that I have no other option but to be alone right now and that upsets me. This isn’t how it’s meant to be …

Funny, yesterday all I wanted was to have 10 minutes to myself out in my garden and I couldn’t get that. Here I am today, out in my garden, utterly alone. And I feel completely miserable because this is not what I want. Not today.

It’s been nearly 4 months since Sir G and I split up and apart from the years of trauma I went through before, during and after my divorce, this has to be one of the toughest periods in my life.

I’ve not been properly single for nearly 20 years. In all that time I’ve had 2 relationships – one with my ex husband (15 years) and one with Sir G (4 years). Some tell me that I am loyal to a fault, but that’s another story for another time.

I always knew that sooner or later, me being “the boss” was going to be a problem. That, plus the fact that I live in and work from this house. Eventually, Sir G just disliked both these things too much for us to continue with our personal relationship.

Do I still love him? Without doubt.

Do I miss him? Terribly.

Are we friends? I’d like to think so.

Are we still going away on holiday together next month? Definitely.

Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.

He’s beautiful, inside and out. We were lucky enough to share a sublime connection during our time together.

But …

The thing is, I may be “the boss” from 9-5, but I certainly don’t want to wear that mantle all the time, and definitely not after hours. That’s the problem when people perceive you as being a strong, independent woman – they don’t realize that there are times when you want/need to let that all go and just be, well, vulnerable.  There are times when all you want is to be with someone who knows you inside out and takes care of you for a change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

*waits for the feminist backlash*

Looking back, I don’t think I’ve had the privilege of sharing that treasured 4-way bond with anyone.

Looking forward, I don’t know that I ever will.

And that depresses the hell out of me.

Let’s get real for a minute here: I am staring down the barrel of being a 40-year old divorcee with 2 nearly grown kids.

That’s not a great prospect.

And if you’re about to tell me something akin to “but life begins at 40!” … Fuck off.

What bullshit. I know not ONE woman over 40 who’s walking that talk. Anyone who claims that is lying. They’re telling themselves it’s OK to live without someone to love completely and who loves you back unconditionally. It’s not.

That’s not living. That’s missing out on what makes everything you feel, smell, hear, taste, touch, think and dream come alive.

I want that.

And no, I don’t think I “deserve” it. That’s bullshit too. No-one deserves anything. Life doesn’t play fair.

*sigh*

I see people all around me hooking up, getting engaged, embarking on the journey of marriage together.

I’m happy for them.

I’m sad for me.

5 Years ago, even just 2 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of getting married again. But now … now I’m ready. And now I’m single. Oh, the irony!

Hah.

Every day I ask myself: is this it? Is this how my life is going to be until I kick the bucket?

Work. Eat. Read. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and this is what I see:

• I’m past my prime.
• I’m overweight.
• I have eye bags and saggy boobs.
• I’m painfully shy and an extreme introvert.
• I don’t talk.
• I’m moody.
• I’m selfish and stubborn.
• I’m misunderstood – always have been.
• I don’t cook.
• I detest housework.

Who would want to team up with that?

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Will I always be alone? I rather suspect the answer may be a resounding “YES!”

I’ve tried to create something less “bloggy” and more graphic – focusing strongly on typography (which is one of my great design loves) and imagery.

w00t!! It’s really cool to see my design coming to life

Just some IE testing and a few bits and bobs to sort out before the Big Reveal. I guestimate early next week, so watch this space …

Today is the start of my new nutrition and training programme.

Ok, ok, I *know* you’ve heard this before and yes, I have had a few false starts over the last few months but this weekend was the turning point for me. On Saturday morning I broke down in tears over how much weight I’ve put on – 12 kgs in the last year (I shit you not), which is a LOT on a 163cm frame! I bawled about how I can’t fit into any of my clothes anymore, sobbed about feeling like crap all the time and slumped to a new all time low about how awful I look.

ENOUGH!

Today. THIS day, things change.

What makes it different this time? Well, apart from hitting complete rock bottom, I have enlisted some help. I have asked Sir G to get involved and give me a hand. I’ve tried a few times by myself and failed miserably. I don’t want to fail again. I want to, want to, want to damn well succeed this time and if that means I have to have someone else watching, pushing, encouraging, policing and tracking my progress, then so be it! I can’t do *everything* by myself, I have decided (obviously), so I swallowed my pride and asked Sir G to assist. Mmk, he’s not really a pushy person at all and I *do* need rather a strong hand at times, so we’ll see how it goes. But he’s been training again for about a month now and he’s already packed on about 3kgs of muscle and can I just say … PHWOAR!!!!

There’s no way I’m going to tell you what I weigh now, or what my measurements are – I’m just far too embarrassed! But, all in all, I’m optimistic about my transformation. I feel different already – my mind is in the right place and I committed to spending the next 6 months getting in the best shape I possibly can. I really owe it to myself.

Of course, the hardest part for me is going to be the night time snacking – that is my weak spot! Aaargh … to NOT lie in bed and nibble on crap is going to be sooooo difficult. But, I’m just going to have to suck it up and give the Cookie Monster the finger. I’m not going even one more DAY feeling miserable about this stupid bloody weight story.

I want to feel good about myself again;

I want more energy;

I want to fit into my clothes;

And, DAMMIT, I want to look good out of them too