Me: Well, you could have either I reckon – my mom had 3 girls and I had 2 boys and Dad is one of 3 boys.

Son#2: Hmmm. I hope I have boys.

Me: Why’s that?

Son#2: I dunno, I just think it’ll be easier.

Me: Perhaps, but dads and their daughters have a very special bond …

Son#2: Ja. The only guy a girl can really count on is her dad.

Me: You know, you might just be right about that.

Son#2: Well that sucks!

Me: Why?

Son#2: Because I want K to know she can count on ME.

And that’s when my heart melted.

You know why? Because he’s being 100% honest. Despite his gf, K, being a feisty little extrovert, and him being the gentlest of souls without an aggressive bone in his body, he wants to take responsibility for looking after her and protecting her. What a lucky young lady she is …

It was the day after I’d seen the message come through on his cellphone: “I want to be with you.” That was the day that everything fell into place for me, the day the lights came on.

He’d been talking about moving out, about us being formally separated, so I knew that’s what he wanted and I gave him a choice. He either stayed to try to work things out or he left, and our 15 years together would be over. Forever.

He chose to leave.

I didn’t want to spend another night under the same roof as someone merely pretending to be my husband and I asked him to pack and go immediately.

I was plunged into sudden, terrifying darkness and for nearly 3 years I lived in the miserable pit of depression, barely able to function. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think. I could just about breathe and make it through from one minute to the next.

When my therapist told me: “There’s life after divorce, you know”, I wanted to spit in her face. I was alone in my despair, angry with him, angry with HER, angry with myself, angry for my children and oh so tired.

I listened to the lies being told; I endured the condemnation from his family. I had no energy to vindicate myself. I didn’t see the point.

It’s taken every ounce of courage and strength I didn’t know I possessed to dig myself out of that hell hole, to start claiming back my life and regain my power. It’s taken four long years to piece myself back together and find peace and contentment, but I’ve done it.

We sat alone in the bedroom on that fated early evening four years ago.

Today, I choose to celebrate my freedom.

Jeez, I can’t frigging believe it. 18 years ago, I was in the middle of my 24-hour labour, gearing up to squeeze out my little girl. Yup, he was supposed to be a girl! I had pink blankies and everything wah!

Anyhoo … so tomorrow’s his big day and he’s organized a braai at a spot in Obs for all his nearest and dearest. That includes the X. And the X’s brothers …

So, yeah … that’s going to be tricky. Not so much with the younger uncle who I get along quite well with (he’s my age), but with the X’s twin, who lives in the UK. My last conversation with him was on the phone, just after the X had moved out. I’ll never forget what he said to me: “Yes well, if you were MY wife, I would have slapped you ages ago!” I haven’t spoken to him since.

I was incredibly upset at the time. Deeply hurt that someone could compound the pain of what I was going through with such unjustified cruelty. But then I decided “Fuck him. Fuck them ALL!” That whole side of my family was *obviously* going to side with their blood kin and I gave up trying to vindicate myself. I let them blame me, scold me and badmouth me because I knew that trying to defend myself to them would just seem pathetic and desperate.

They all lay the blame firmly at my feet. The X can do no wrong in their eyes and you know what? That’s fine with me because *I* know the truth and the people who matter to me also know the truth, no matter what lies were spread about me (and yes, I got to hear about some SHOCKERS). Not ONE of them bothered to talk to me about the situation or find out my side of the story. I’ve known these people for 30 years.

But, they are not my family anymore. I divorced out of their clan just over 2 years ago and they no longer have any hold over me. I’m not remotely interested in their lives and if I never had to see any of them again, that would be absolutely fine with me. But … I have to face them all tomorrow. And I shall, for my boy.

One good thing – SHE’s not going to be there. Her kids are though. That’s cool – they’re just kids and they had nothing to do with the ugliness. But she had everything to do with it and I told Son1 that I wouldn’t go if she pitched up. No way. Not for all the tea in China would I want to be around someone who (at HER bloody age) should have damn well known better but whom deliberately and cruelly set about to rip apart our family. If I ever see her again, I’m quite ready to beat the shit out of her.

Mmk, so then next thing that’s on my mind is that Son1 is doing his driver’s test at the crack of dawn tomorrow. (Good luck my boy!!!) And the X is buying him a car, which I am totally against. I’m not anti my boy getting a car, no … I’m anti the fact that it’s just being bought for him – a brand new Ford Fiesta (apparently). I think it’s crazy, over-the-top-spoiling. I would have liked to see him do something to EARN the car, instead of it just landing in his lap, with absolutely no effort on his part whatsoever. It’s not right.

*sigh*

Yes, it’s taken me while for me to get back in the saddle, so to speak,
but I’m looking at my life from all angles at the moment  and I’m thoroughly enjoying
the way all the different fragments are combining in their shapes, sizes and colours and luminosity
to form something that pleases me …

Indeed, the picture is taking shape, on all fronts.
The foundation has been laid and creative limits are now a non-entity.
Family, friends, personal, domestic and work elements are coming together in ways
that I thought could never happen before.

… ideas -> thought -> action -> reality …

Not only is the future bright, but the present is also a-glow.

The composition that is my life is alive and happening … right now.
And it’s filled with the glorious fruits of my new choices and deeds.

Composition VII
Wassily Kandinsky

]]> http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/10/14/things-are-coming-together/feed/ 2 http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/10/13/about-sir-g-and-i/ http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/10/13/about-sir-g-and-i/#comments Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:45:57 +0000 justBcoz http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/?p=710

Mmk, I’m not going to just assume that you all know the history between us, so let me fill you in a bit …

Sir G (aka BiggestMullet) and I got together in early 2006, about 6 months after my X and I separated, during the very icky time that the divorce was being sorted out. It was never anything serious at first … we were good friends and we were just having fun you know?

Plus, he works for me and he’s 8 years younger than me! I mean, really now – how could that *possibly* turn into anything long term or meaningful, right?

Wrong …

It took us a while, but we did become rather enamoured with each other

And things were going great for a long time, until I got it into my head that this couldn’t be right, for many reasons:

1. The big age gap – he’s too young for me
2. Therefore (!) he’s not mature enough
3. He works for me
4. It’s probably just a rebound thing?
5. Sooner or later he’s going to find someone his own age (or younger)
6. I’m carrying too much baggage to be any good as a partner
7. I should be “spreading my wings” now?
8. I need to prove how strong and independent I am
9. Being alone is “good” for me somehow
10. I can’t really trust anyone anymore, can I?

Yeah … rather mixed up and confused me was!

I mean, here’s a man who totally adores me (ME!!!), completely accepts everything about me – all my baggage, my ups and downs (he calls it the rollercoaster), has proved over and over and over again that despite my conscious and subconscious efforts to push him away (fuck, I’m such a bitch sometimes), he STICKS by my side. He has tolerated months of yours truly being convinced that no-one could ever love her again and he’s just continued to love me, no questions asked, no explanation required. I’ve never encountered anyone so patient, loyal and gentle.

He knows everything about all the shit I’ve been through. He knows what my issues are, where I struggle and how I battle to cope sometimes. But this doesn’t put him off at all!

Actually, much to my amazement, he thinks I’m “interesting”, “smart” and “incredibly sexy”

So I was in this state of turmoil and we went through a mutual breakup a little while back … we both decided that a bit of personal space was required in the area of intimacy. We remained friends during this period and still spent a bit of time together (outside of work.) Sir G is after all my best friend, and one of only 3 or 4 people around who actually “get” me.

We’ve been spending more and more time together recently … and loving it. We are really very close, such good friends and we have a seriously awesome bond. We’ve spent a lot of our recent time together just talking – about ourselves, our needs and wants, about each other, about us, about our future. We’ve discovered so much more about each other, and rekindled some magical electricity.

So yeah, I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s on! Sir G and I are back together

And yip, I am now listed as “in a relationship” on Facebook LOL!

Why should I insist on being alone and miserable while I prove to the world that I’m so bloody strong and independent and that I don’t need anyone? It’s crazy … Here is a man who loves me, who I love right back and yet I think it’s ok to just dismiss that for the sake of “freedom” or what everybody else thinks? No, it’s not right …

The irony of it all, looking back is that I spent the latter half my marriage COMPLETELY alone! I’ve been down that horrible road while I lived in what had evolved into a lonely, loveless relationship. And I certainly proved to the world that I was strong and independent during that time – I had to be, I didn’t have any support at all. No-one knew what I was going through, not even my Dad.

I figure I’ve been there and I’ve got the shitty T-shirt! I can allow that to change can’t I? Why NOT let myself be loved for change? Why NOT let someone care about and for me, help me, make me laugh, encourage me and support me? Why NOT let this man close – he lets me be myself completely, there are no walls between us. I can have fun, I can be my flirty self (yes!), I can have my bad days and he doesn’t judge me or take it personally and get all insecure and possessive. He adds so much to my life, in so many ways.

Sure, it’s an emotional risk for me. Lawd knows I’ve been to hell and back after discovering that my partner of 15 years was seeing another woman. But if I don’t take a chance, I could be throwing away something completely wonderful. For what?

Sir G, thank you for not giving up on me xxx

These were taken in January this year.

I’ve just found out that another beautiful woman I know has been betrayed.

They’ve been married for only 8 months but I could see this becoming a reality a year before their wedding. Perhaps I’m sensitive to this kind of potential devastation only because I have lived through it and learned from it. I have the benefit of hindsight. I am able to see the signs, the flashing red lights that go off when couples behave in certain way, individually or together.

Should I have said anything? Should I have verbalized my concern? Was it any of my business?

No. I don’t think so. Couples tying the knot are deaf and blind to any warnings. They don’t want to hear that things could go pear-shaped. They don’t want to see that their future together may not be eternally easy. They are “in love” and the world is perfect. Or so they try to convince themselves.

You want with all your heart to believe that your marriage will never end, that you’ll be with this person for life. But the sad reality is that you only have a 1 in 2 shot of that happening these days. The odds aren’t good and you’d better be ready to face them. Or make damn sure you know how to beat them.

Yes, I’m cynical about marriage. I’ve just seen too many people become complacent within its “safe” confines. I’ve seen too many people (men AND women) break their vows and inflict unspeakable cruelty on their partners. I’ve seen far too many lives destroyed by this, including my own.

I detest betrayal of ANY kind.

“You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.” – Proverb

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[ Babynet has just published an interesting study regarding the possible connection between male infidelity and the AVPR1A gene here. ]