Yes, it’s taken me while for me to get back in the saddle, so to speak,
but I’m looking at my life from all angles at the moment  and I’m thoroughly enjoying
the way all the different fragments are combining in their shapes, sizes and colours and luminosity
to form something that pleases me …

Indeed, the picture is taking shape, on all fronts.
The foundation has been laid and creative limits are now a non-entity.
Family, friends, personal, domestic and work elements are coming together in ways
that I thought could never happen before.

… ideas -> thought -> action -> reality …

Not only is the future bright, but the present is also a-glow.

The composition that is my life is alive and happening … right now.
And it’s filled with the glorious fruits of my new choices and deeds.

Composition VII
Wassily Kandinsky

]]> http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/10/14/things-are-coming-together/feed/ 2 http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/08/15/i-must-be-a-complete-moron/ http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/2008/08/15/i-must-be-a-complete-moron/#comments Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:18:27 +0000 justBcoz http://www.justbcoz.co.za/headspace/?p=417 That post I put up yesterday? The one about me feeling strong and finding my mojo?

It turned out to be bullshit.

Yesterday took a full-on vertical nose-dive. For one thing, the Family Session was bloody awful … for me at least, not for everyone else (I’ll write about how Son#1 is doing a bit later). Then Sir G had to leave the office in the afternoon while I was out and he came back distraught – he was not coping with our breakup.

After all the drama of the day, I found myself totally spinning out and spiraling downwards ridiculously quickly …

You think you’re a good enough mother? WRONG.

You think you were an ok girlfriend? WRONG.

You think you had your own side to the divorce story? WRONG.

You think you had a voice? WRONG.

You think it’s ok for you to look after yourself and “be selfish”? WRONG.

“Hands up all those who thought it was safe to come out of their cave …” YOU? NOT SO FAST!

I keep hearing that we are presented with challenges in order to teach us things we need to learn in our lives. Well, I must be a complete and utter moron!

Universe: whatever “tests” you’re dishing out to me AGAIN – keep them! Just leave me to my stupid self, ok? I’m not interested anymore, you hear me? I give up man …You win. I’m the bad guy, I’m the villain, everything is my fault and no matter what the fuck I do, no matter which way I turn or what new angles I try, no-one’s ever going to be satisfied. I’m either hurting myself or other people. Lose-lose.

I just really don’t know what to do anymore …

EVERY SINGLE TIME I start feeling stronger I get side-wiped.

***********************************************************************************

Mmk, so that’s what I wrote last night … I didn’t publish it because firstly, I felt a bit embarrassed that all my RARA bravado seemed to be a crock of shit and secondly, because I didn’t want to worry anyone.

But I’ve had a good night’s rest now (thank goodness for sleeping pills) and I’ve woken up feeling slightly better today.

Better or numb? Actually, I’m not sure. But I’m not drowning in self-pity, so I guess that’s a plus?

Sheesh … we’ll see what the day holds.

And please don’t give me any chipper TGIF crap – I’ll be working my a$$ off this weekend …

This afternoon’s agenda includes another visit to the clinic for a Family Session involving me, Son#1, the X and of course, the Terrible Tag Team.

I realized when I woke up this morning and started to get my head around today and all that I would be facing, that I felt no fear. Unlike the last time, when I became a bundle of nerves at the prospect of being in a therapy session with my X, I am not apprehensive or panicked about it in any way. More importantly, I am not afraid of HIM.

This last week has been an amazing progression for me. I am no longer just talking about being strong, I am feeling and BEING strong. Thanks to some wonderful people who’ve encouraged and supported me in so many ways recently, coaching me, guiding me and just “being there” for me through a challenging period, I have been able to alter my thought processes and shift my perceptions to the point where I’ve managed to shake off a lot of my insecurities and fears.

I know there are still going to be ups and downs but at this very minute, I honestly feel like a ton of shit has left me and that my life, although complicated and at times very stressful, is ok. That I’m ok, that I’m the perfect me without “being perfect” and to hell with anyone who doesn’t agree.

So I’m finding it easier to face people, situations and events that would normally reduce me to a sniveling hermit and see me run for cover. And it’s totally liberating. It’s like re-connecting with the real essence of who I am again – the me who used to be fearless in the face of a challenge, the me who didn’t give a rat’s ass about what people thought, the me who had a voice and used it, the me who heard “you can’t do that” and then showed them that I could, because I believed in myself.

A little bit of my mojo is back, at last

I don’t know what today’s session will hold, and that’s ok. I’m not getting my knickers in a knot about it and I’m not making the mistake of thinking that the outcome is something I can control anyway. What will be will be …

Hmmm … tagged again. Twice.

This time it’s the “7 Interesting Things About Me” game and I got hit by both Chris Mills and Wogan May!

Does this mean I now have to come up with 14 things??

Hoo Boy … this ain’t gonna be easy – between my About Me page and being Tagged for the Very First Time by SheBee, I’ve just about exhausted the topic of Me! But then again, being an Aries means I love to talk about me, so I’m sure I can manage … wahaha!!

Alrighty then, before I begin, let’s take a look at that word … INTERESTING.

================================================================

A quick check on Dictionary.com reveals the following definitions:

• engaging or exciting and holding the attention or curiosity: an interesting book.
• arousing a feeling of interest: an interesting face.

- Synonyms

absorbing, entertaining. Interesting, pleasing, gratifying mean satisfying to the mind.

Something that is interesting occupies the mind with no connotation of pleasure or displeasure: an interesting account of a battle.

Something that is pleasing engages the mind favorably: a pleasing account of the wedding.

Something that is gratifying fulfills expectations, requirements, etc.: a gratifying account of his whereabouts; a book gratifying in its detail.

- Antonyms

dull

================================================================

Tough one … I’m supposed to come up with Interesting Things that are NOT dull, will please and gratify you, occupy your mind and fulfill your expectations … YIKES!!

Oh well, I can only do me best hey? Can’t please all of the people all of the time and all that =)

1. I learned how to fly on a trapeze when I was in high school.
2. I have no formal tertiary education … I always have to choose the “some other college” option when completing questionnaires. Although I matriculated with an exemption, I just didn’t feel the urge to waste my time on some arb degree or diploma that I would probably never actually use. So I landed up doing a secretarial course straight after school in ’89 – figured it was something that would always come in handy. I sucked! I still can’t type =) The only thing I did (ridiculously) well in was Word Processing. After that, in 1994 I did a 3-month DTP course.
3. Everything I need to know, I teach myself.
4. I have taught others though – I used to be a lecturer, if you can believe that. Yes, me. The Shyest Person On Earth used to make her living by standing up in front of a class full of students and teaching them how to use Macs, FreeHand, Quark and PhotoShop (waaay back in the day, before PS even had layers LOL) … and get this: I was pretty damn good at it!
5. I designed and developed the first accredited Web Authoring course in the country.
6. This is my the first website I ever built, the result of my very first dabble with the www … on good old Notepad =) http://www.pbdphoto.co.za
7. I am good on a stage, I actually love performing =) (or I WAS good, should I say – haven’t done that for goodness knows how long!)
8. I have double jointed fingers and I can move my eyes independently of each other – cool party trick haha
9. I was well on my way to becoming a ballet dancer until sometime in high school, when Art kinda took over … I still miss dancing.
10. I can’t remember the last time I went to the hairdresser.
11. I don’t have any tattoos – I’ve thought about it many times and still do … and then I rapidly change my mind when the rather revolting image of a wrinkly old hag with body ink pops into my head.
12. I absolutely ADORE dried mango and raw almond nuts (together) as a snack. I buy mine from Gabi’s in Access Park – Lekkerbek rules!
13. I forget absolutely everything about a movie right about 5 minutes after I’ve watched it – damn frustrating!
14. I am fascinated by people who are “different” – people who look different or think differently. I welcome the opportunities to see the world from another perspective, although I’m really stubborn so “different” also has to be “smart” to get my attention.

*whew* I did it!

There are no rules, so I’m not going to pass this one on to a whole bunch of folks … if you want to do it, be my guest. Pop your link into a comment on this post when you’re done.

I’m only tagging one person – Sir G! Welcome to the blogosphere Dude =)

In moment of lowness last night, marking the crappy end to what would otherwise have been an okay day, despite being sick, I made a decision.

One of my personal flaws is that I don’t talk. Oh yes, I could probably write forever … (can you spell hypographia?) … but I don’t talk.

And that’s why I don’t do relationships very well.

Son#1 has recently told me that my inability to share on a verbal level leaves him frustrated and confused. Of course it does, you silly woman – have you not realized by now that EVERYONE feels that way about your silence?

Ok, so I need to share my mental innards with people close to me. Somehow.

Son#1 is having a rough time, this you know. I need to connect with him better, I need to show a side of me that he’s missing out on. It’s a side that I’ve deliberately kept from him because I thought he had enough to deal with. I thought that by keeping quiet about my own “stuff” I would be protecting him in some way, shielding him from things that he didn’t really need to know about. That’s what I thought. Apparently I was wrong.

So last night, I decided to tell him about this blog. I told him that this is MY way of sharing, of getting things out, of telling people about what’s happening in my life, of tentatively reaching out to what I’ve perceived to be a very harsh world. It’s all I can do right now.

I was afraid of his reaction. I was afraid that he would rebuke me for keeping this from him. I was afraid that he would read it and be angry about some of the things I had written.

But he surprised me. He was amazed … and excited. He rushed off to his PC to dive into my Headspace.

I waited anxiously for hours while he trawled through my posts.

He came back into my room and sat on my bed.

He told me that he liked it, and that it was “all me” – that everything was true … the content, the voice, everything. I should not have been afraid of his reaction to my sometimes very emo posts – he reckons we are “actually so alike that it’s scary” and that I should risk being even MORE open.

He said there wasn’t one thing about justB[coz] that didn’t show the real me. Mmk, just one … my lack of profanity! He said I should swear more because that’s what I do in real life. I nodded. I said that I do kinda swear here, I just sugar-coat it a bit. Out of respect I think. Yes, my friends and family know I swear, but it’s nothing to be proud of and actually, if I have time to think about my words (like I do here), I won’t use the EFF word as much as I could otherwise.

So Son#1 now reads my blog. It won’t change anything. I am glad that knows about it now and I think he’s glad he has more of an inside track on me …

So I guess last night’s revelation was ONE good thing that’s happened recently. That, and the fact that my Dad very, very kindly brought me some meds yesterday, a funky USB hub and an awesome little TV dongle for my ‘puter so I can keep an eye on the cricket while I work. (Thanks Dad!!)

Right, I think I’ve probably written enough for one sitting today.

Later xxx

If you’re into re-incarnation and all that, then the only explanation for all the Crapness surrounding me right now is that I must have been a paedophile or a serial killer in a former life.

Yesterday’s sickness has nothing on today’s … I can hardly move my head, I can’t breathe, my throat is on fire, my whole body aches, I can hardly see straight and my eyes look like piss-holes in the snow. I’m boiling, sweating, freezing, shivering, and nauseous.

The only reason I am out of bed right now is because I need to write. I need to spew shit out before I spontaneously combust.

Yes, 28 days seem to have passed already, hormones are raging and anyone who gets in my way today will be taken out.

And I forgot to take my dose of SSRI’s last night – big mistake.

By now you know that my life is a mess. There’s no debating that. It may look *somewhat* organized from the outside but trust me, it’s not, ok?

[Goddam!!! Will someone answer that *%$#ing doorbell already??!!!! Sheesh, it's been broken for weeks now - it doesn't ring through to the office outside and I have to keep jumping up every 5 minutes to answer it. Seems like no-one out there has the initiative to pick up the phone to call someone to come and fix it ... do I REALLY have to do EVERYTHING myself?!]

*breathe*

Moving on …

So I’ve been writing about how chaotic things are at the moment – too much work, too few staff, a To Do List that would crush dear old (creepy) Martha Stewart, and enough emotional stress to reduce Dr Phil to a whimpering puddle of moosh.

I’m trying to turn things around. I’m trying to get out of the ruts – plural. Personal and professional hamster wheels buried six feet under. And getting nowhere. Even faster now.

I am losing another staff member. To the big wide world of corporate bullshit. Apparently that’s what he wants. No official resignation yet, but it’s coming … soon. My self-centered self immediately thinks “Oh kuk, I’m screwed.” Then the very faint little voice of reason that I mostly struggle to hear tells me not to be such a Bitch … the guy just isn’t happy in a small, intimate environment and wants more. Deal With It.

Ok, so how do I do that? At the moment, I’m so deep in it I can’t find the energy to deal with unpacking a box, let alone creating a business strategy to pull us out of this mess. All sorts of thoughts about helplessness and throwing in the towel are flying around my head and totally dominating. I’m feeling so alone. And ended.

Yes, I CAN be extremely strong and independent. I didn’t get this far by being a fragile little push-over. But there are times when I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t dig deep enough to face yet ANOTHER bloody thing going wrong. On my own.

As much as I hate to admit this, I am feeling SO resentful of my X at the moment. He’s left me with all this on my plate while he’s off living the “I’ve Arrived” life that we planned together. He gets to go on all his regular international holidays, play Disney Dad to the kids, live in his big mansion with HER and “the new family”, buy yet another vehicle, invest in yet another property, live in denial of the SHIT he caused us, oblivious to the revolting repercussions of his irresponsible behaviour, leave my children (and I) in emotional turmoil, rip away every dream we had … Bastard.

Feeling so stuck and trapped in my work is partly as a result of the fact that this business is not a fun passion anymore. It’s not something I can do on the side while I have a partner to help me out. It is now Life or Death.

And it’s killing me.

I have been running this business for nearly 9 years now. From home. There was a time when I had all the staff I needed and things were flying. I had the time, energy and drive to play, explore and create. I was loving it, everything was just as I’d hoped it would be. We were moving up in the world, X had just qualified and life was rosy. For a while.

Then he met HER. And my world fell apart. I couldn’t work anymore. I was a mess. For years. The business came to a grinding halt, totally stagnated. Luckily, I had wonderful people who kept things ticking over for me while I sunk to an all-time low.

It took me ages to feel stronger, to get to the point where I could work again and start seeing people. In the interim, I lost some guys in the office. Expected.

So here I sit today, wondering what to do. I was so ready for lift-off. I was so ready to start the ball rolling and move forward again, personally and professionally. I had even started some new projects that I was really excited about; one is nearly ready for launch. I was amped to “get out there” and meet new people, expand my horizons you know?

I’m back to square one. I’ll have to work around the clock AGAIN, stuck inside these four walls, trying to keep my head above water. We can’t cope with the daily workload as it is. Now WTF do we do? Advertising for new team members has resulted in bugger all.

There goes the life I was hoping to have while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. There goes the time I wanted to spend with my boys. There goes any dream of fun and freedom I may have cooked up. I should have known better.

I’m so sick of this. For years and years this shit happens, over and over again. Every single bloody time I want to take a step forward, I get a curve ball to end all curve balls. Completely taken out.

Perhaps things will look different tomorrow. But I don’t have the energy to care right now. I just need to get through today. Somehow.