It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very private person and I enjoy being on my own. Occasionally.  I have at least 9 other people in my personal space all day, 5 days a week, so I relish the peace and privacy that each weekend promises. What I don’t enjoy, however, is the fact that I have no choice in the matter, that I have no other option but to be alone right now and that upsets me. This isn’t how it’s meant to be …

Funny, yesterday all I wanted was to have 10 minutes to myself out in my garden and I couldn’t get that. Here I am today, out in my garden, utterly alone. And I feel completely miserable because this is not what I want. Not today.

It’s been nearly 4 months since Sir G and I split up and apart from the years of trauma I went through before, during and after my divorce, this has to be one of the toughest periods in my life.

I’ve not been properly single for nearly 20 years. In all that time I’ve had 2 relationships – one with my ex husband (15 years) and one with Sir G (4 years). Some tell me that I am loyal to a fault, but that’s another story for another time.

I always knew that sooner or later, me being “the boss” was going to be a problem. That, plus the fact that I live in and work from this house. Eventually, Sir G just disliked both these things too much for us to continue with our personal relationship.

Do I still love him? Without doubt.

Do I miss him? Terribly.

Are we friends? I’d like to think so.

Are we still going away on holiday together next month? Definitely.

Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.

He’s beautiful, inside and out. We were lucky enough to share a sublime connection during our time together.

But …

The thing is, I may be “the boss” from 9-5, but I certainly don’t want to wear that mantle all the time, and definitely not after hours. That’s the problem when people perceive you as being a strong, independent woman – they don’t realize that there are times when you want/need to let that all go and just be, well, vulnerable.  There are times when all you want is to be with someone who knows you inside out and takes care of you for a change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

*waits for the feminist backlash*

Looking back, I don’t think I’ve had the privilege of sharing that treasured 4-way bond with anyone.

Looking forward, I don’t know that I ever will.

And that depresses the hell out of me.

Let’s get real for a minute here: I am staring down the barrel of being a 40-year old divorcee with 2 nearly grown kids.

That’s not a great prospect.

And if you’re about to tell me something akin to “but life begins at 40!” … Fuck off.

What bullshit. I know not ONE woman over 40 who’s walking that talk. Anyone who claims that is lying. They’re telling themselves it’s OK to live without someone to love completely and who loves you back unconditionally. It’s not.

That’s not living. That’s missing out on what makes everything you feel, smell, hear, taste, touch, think and dream come alive.

I want that.

And no, I don’t think I “deserve” it. That’s bullshit too. No-one deserves anything. Life doesn’t play fair.

*sigh*

I see people all around me hooking up, getting engaged, embarking on the journey of marriage together.

I’m happy for them.

I’m sad for me.

5 Years ago, even just 2 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of getting married again. But now … now I’m ready. And now I’m single. Oh, the irony!

Hah.

Every day I ask myself: is this it? Is this how my life is going to be until I kick the bucket?

Work. Eat. Read. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and this is what I see:

• I’m past my prime.
• I’m overweight.
• I have eye bags and saggy boobs.
• I’m painfully shy and an extreme introvert.
• I don’t talk.
• I’m moody.
• I’m selfish and stubborn.
• I’m misunderstood – always have been.
• I don’t cook.
• I detest housework.

Who would want to team up with that?

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Will I always be alone? I rather suspect the answer may be a resounding “YES!”

Holy Canoli, but life’s been a bit mad over the last few months. It’s work, mostly – lots of stuffs happening. Lots ‘n lots ‘n lots! And it’s all terribly exciting. And new. And big. And challenging. And I can’t really say much more than that, you’ll just have to watch this space, heh

Needless to say, I’ve had bugger-all time to blog, which is pretty sad because getting my thoughts out here is really good for me. Plus, no-one really knows what the hell is going on in my life these days. My poor li’l old blog is looking very neglected and I miss the interaction with you guys too. Most of you do follow me on Twitter though, and that’s where I’ve been spending my time connecting online. It’s the fastest way for me to keep up with everything and share stuff with you. Also (and I dig this), I can quietly slip away without anyone noticing when I need to focus on work and other things. Anyhoo, you’ll probably know quite a bit about what’s been going on with me from there. Not everything though. Some stuff is just too big to share in only 140 characters and I need to put together a few decent posts – mainly to set things straight in my own head. And sheesh, I’ve still got a whole bunch of pics from the World Cup sitting on my phone that I want to upload, before that becomes ancient history!

For now though, I’m focusing my attention on work and the things I need to get done BEFORE I GO ON HOLIDAY!! Yes, yours truly is *finally* going to take a damn holiday More about that later …

So, onwards and upwards I guess, hey?

xxx

- Victor Hugo, Les Miserables, 1862

And err, yeah – these were taken on my iPhone so they aren’t too marvelous, sorry.

Some of my team, decked out for the big day.

Absent team member, lol.

And another one

Doing the office pool draw.

Oooooh, I wonder who I'm gonna get?

France vs Uruguay - lining up for the national anthems.

Getting ready for the kickoff.

First corner.

In the crowd ... 64100 people!

What an experience that was, despite the lackluster football.

Had to laugh at all the locals thinking I was a foreigner though, haha

My next outing to the stadium is on Friday for England vs Algeria WOOOOOOOO!

Of course it is

How can one NOT be swept up by the incredible atmosphere in our country right now, even if you’re not a football fan?

What an historical day for South Africa – I’m so proud and overjoyed to be part of it!

Of course, I AM a football fan, which just makes it all the more AMAZING

Off to watch France vs Uruguay tonight at Cape Town Stadium … WOOHOO!!

The truth is that I’m not really ok at the moment. I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy and fuss – that’s the last thing I want. I’m just letting you know that I’m going through a rough time. A really rough time. Actually, I’m in the middle of a horribly dark depression and when that happens, I go quiet. I withdraw and shut down. Right or wrong, it’s just how I deal with things.

So that’s why I haven’t been on Twitter, why I haven’t been on Facebook, why I haven’t been blogging and why I’m not engaging with people in general at the moment. I simply don’t have the energy. I’m completely drained – physically, emotionally and mentally.

If you suffer from depression, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, my behaviour might seem inexplicable and you probably won’t be able to relate to anything I’m saying.

But it’s real. Very real.

And it needs to be overcome. And it will be. I just need some time to sort my shit out and pull myself towards myself. I don’t know how long it will take – could be days, could be weeks – but I’ll get there. This is not a new experience for me, unfortunately, but I always get over it sooner or later.

Mmk, this was a hard post to write – it’s not exactly easy admitting that you’re fragile and down in the dumps when everyone perceives you to be this strong and inspirational being.

I’m no superwoman.

I’m just human.