Posted August 14th, 2010 by justBcoz in Personal []
Tags: , ,

I give you fair warning: this is an emo post.

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very private person and I enjoy being on my own. Occasionally.  I have at least 9 other people in my personal space all day, 5 days a week, so I relish the peace and privacy that each weekend promises. What I don’t enjoy, however, is the fact that I have no choice in the matter, that I have no other option but to be alone right now and that upsets me. This isn’t how it’s meant to be …

Funny, yesterday all I wanted was to have 10 minutes to myself out in my garden and I couldn’t get that. Here I am today, out in my garden, utterly alone. And I feel completely miserable because this is not what I want. Not today.

Alone

It’s been nearly 4 months since Sir G and I split up and apart from the years of trauma I went through before, during and after my divorce, this has to be one of the toughest periods in my life.

I’ve not been properly single for nearly 20 years. In all that time I’ve had 2 relationships – one with my ex husband (15 years) and one with Sir G (4 years). Some tell me that I am loyal to a fault, but that’s another story for another time.

I always knew that sooner or later, me being “the boss” was going to be a problem. That, plus the fact that I live in and work from this house. Eventually, Sir G just disliked both these things too much for us to continue with our personal relationship.

Do I still love him? Without doubt.

Do I miss him? Terribly.

Are we friends? I’d like to think so.

Are we still going away on holiday together next month? Definitely.

Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.

He’s beautiful, inside and out. We were lucky enough to share a sublime connection during our time together.

But …

The thing is, I may be “the boss” from 9-5, but I certainly don’t want to wear that mantle all the time, and definitely not after hours. That’s the problem when people perceive you as being a strong, independent woman – they don’t realize that there are times when you want/need to let that all go and just be, well, vulnerable.  There are times when all you want is to be with someone who knows you inside out and takes care of you for a change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

*waits for the feminist backlash*

Looking back, I don’t think I’ve had the privilege of sharing that treasured 4-way bond with anyone.

Looking forward, I don’t know that I ever will.

And that depresses the hell out of me.

Let’s get real for a minute here: I am staring down the barrel of being a 40-year old divorcee with 2 nearly grown kids.

That’s not a great prospect.

And if you’re about to tell me something akin to “but life begins at 40!” … Fuck off.

What bullshit. I know not ONE woman over 40 who’s walking that talk. Anyone who claims that is lying. They’re telling themselves it’s OK to live without someone to love completely and who loves you back unconditionally. It’s not.

That’s not living. That’s missing out on what makes everything you feel, smell, hear, taste, touch, think and dream come alive.

I want that.

And no, I don’t think I “deserve” it. That’s bullshit too. No-one deserves anything. Life doesn’t play fair.

*sigh*

I see people all around me hooking up, getting engaged, embarking on the journey of marriage together.

I’m happy for them.

I’m sad for me.

5 Years ago, even just 2 years ago, I would have cringed at the idea of getting married again. But now … now I’m ready. And now I’m single. Oh, the irony!

Hah.

Every day I ask myself: is this it? Is this how my life is going to be until I kick the bucket?

Work. Eat. Read. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and this is what I see:

  • I’m past my prime.
  • I’m overweight.
  • I have eye bags and saggy boobs.
  • I’m painfully shy and an extreme introvert.
  • I don’t talk.
  • I’m moody.
  • I’m selfish and stubborn.
  • I’m misunderstood – always have been.
  • I don’t cook.
  • I detest housework.

Who would want to team up with that?

It’s Saturday. And here I sit. Alone. Again. How awful.

Will I always be alone? I rather suspect the answer may be a resounding “YES!”

justBcoz
  1. Cath says:

    My Suetjie.

    I’ve been wondering when something like this would be said. I’ve been waiting, quietly, hoping it would come eventually.

    For all the things I admire you for, and you know those things are infinite, the primary one is your blunt emotional honesty, not only with those around you but, with yourself. Unashamedly so.

    I congratulate for that.

    I find extreme fault with your “have eye bags and saggy boobs” logic but, I’m not here to fight. Nor can anything I say or do be any sort of consolation.

    I’m here to tell you that, when you feel you cannot believe, I will believe for you. When you feel you are alone, you are not.

    And hey, I’m writing this whilst sitting in my house alone on a Saturday night so, don’t think for a moment that life is all roses and puppies romping on the fucking lawn. It’s really not. I’m alone this weekend because people disappoint. People flake, and people just can’t handle situations that are real.

    But, you, you’re real. You’re real without pretence. And I fucking love you for it.

    I’ll be here, believing for you when you cannot believe.

    xxx

  2. Nigel (the web consultant) says:

    I am sorry for your pain and I really hope you find solace! This post touched my heart and soul!

  3. anib says:

    firstly… i quietly chuckled my way through this.. in pure recognition.
    you know those moments when you pray and hope that no one is watching because you’re in such a horrible and dark place that you desperately want to forget about… but you cant because it haunts you… begging for a release and some acknowledgment.
    we’ve all been there… so thank you for sharing this.

    it sucks. for a good while.
    sometimes it feels like eternity but… it does pass.
    i know.. feel free to kick me after that. but it’s true.
    and, like cath said, you dont have to believe it now. we dont expect you to.
    as strong and confident and able as you are, those who care about and love you, know that you have a heart… a deep heart that needs what every person needs.
    and it’s ok to be human. really. :)

    and about that over “life starts at 40″ thing… yes, it is true for some.
    but it is a different life. you know better now, and you will do better.
    the future is so unpredictable.. but you do have some influence.
    whatever you want and need in your life, you will attract.
    and if you dont like how things are going.. change it.
    of course it’s not easy.. but it’s kinda exciting, isn’t it?
    lol. ok.. please dont kick me. :P

    anyway, it helps to occasionally scream at the world and just say: OMG THIS SUCKS!
    we know.. we know.
    and we care.
    xx

  4. pbdphoto says:

    As your father I feel your pain in this post. I read it yesterday and did not know what to write. I have now read the three comments above and they have said exactly what I wanted to say. Like Cath I will be there for you, like Nigel this post touched me deeply and as Anib says you do have influence and it will pass even if you don’t feel that now. Love you, Dad.

  5. SheBee says:

    Suetjie this was probably the most honest post I’ve ever read. Although I don’t agree with a lot of what you’ve said, I’m not going to try make you feel better, because I know that when I’m sad, I don’t always need to be cheered up, mostly I just want to be heard.

    So, I hear you.

    xxxx

  6. Jenty says:

    ((HUGS))
    I understand those feelings too well.

  7. christine says:

    *hugs* a few things you’ve mentioned in this post resonates with me right now too. Even on Saturday I felt that way, but each day one puts on a brave face and just gets on with it. Some days that is the hardest thing to do. There is some peace in putting it “out there” like you have done here, and feeling/seeing how many people are there for you when you need it. Or are in the same boat – still doesn’t make it any easier though.

    It amazes me how strong one can be, no matter how dark or sad the days, you get through it somehow. And one day we can only hope that we wake up and all the clouds are gone :)

  8. Chris M says:

    Apologies upfront, you’re getting a long response to this.

    Shame Sue, as a very happy employee and as a friend, it’s really sad for me to read this. I know things have been tough, I can tell, but I didn’t know to what extent – the worst part is that there’s so little I can do to assist, apart from being there when I can, having our chats when the other staff go home, having the odd event (you better be at my braai in 2 weeks), etc. I worry that because you haven’t been single, emotions were carried over from relationship 1 to relationship 2, and therefore it’s like a double whammy now for you, this must be one of the most common things that happens and it’s one of the toughest :/

    Let’s look at your list:

    - I’m past my prime – I think this has more to do with a state of mind.
    - I’m overweight – Only in your eyes Sue.
    - I have eye bags and saggy boobs – So do I, and I’m male!
    - I’m painfully shy and an extreme introvert – You’re successful, you’re beautiful, look at your company, look in the mirror, squeeze out some confidence and strut your stuff.
    - I don’t talk – Fuck, with Skype, Twitter and the rest, do any of us? ;)
    - I’m moody – Aren’t all women?
    - I’m selfish and stubborn – A lot of people don’t like a pushover, so that’s all good.
    - I’m misunderstood – always have been – I think this relates to you not talking perhaps, I think I understand you, but I know it’s on a different level.
    - I don’t cook – HAHA, NO reason to feel bad about this one!
    - I detest housework – As above.

    I’d say that perhaps out of the 10 (I bet you carefully aimed for 10, hehe), maybe 2 or maximum 3 are negative things, but that’s still a pretty darn good result for the 10 things that you feel are bad about you!

    You know that I’ve got your back, so if there’s anything I’m able to do, don’t be shy, ask me, please. Even if it’s locking up your house and finding out that I’ve broken your door and that you’ll need to get a locksmith, SORRY!

    Oh, and like “Do I still want to rip his clothes off every time he walks in the door? Absolutely.”, this is a work environment, I can’t be watching Sir G walk in the door and then imagine where your mind is!!! Hahahaha ;)

    There are some incredible things happening over the next 30 days, focus on them, and as a team, let’s have a blast.

    x

  9. Cath says:

    I <3 Chris for this comment. Love you Sue x

  10. Angel says:

    Oh Sue… This post echoed so many times in my life… I wish I had some magic words I could say.

  11. cybersass says:

    sue, thank you for an incredibly moving, honest and yes, brutally painful post. as others have said, sometimes we just want to be heard. so , i hear you. i can share my experience with you though. i left my husband when i was 39. and life certainly re-began at 40. yes, it was interesting and painful and amazing, but i wouldn’t change it. and you know, just because you’re single now, doesn’t mean that it’ll always be that way. this too shall pass. i’m 46 and i have a loving man in my life to whom i was moved to send your lovely egg picture from a previous post today.
    i’m sorry you’re hurting. i’ve been there. i hope you get to the other side of this soon.

  12. justBcoz says:

    Bless you all. And those of you who contacted me about this away from my blog too.

    I know you mean well and have the best of intentions, and for that I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

    But my reality remains undisturbed. For now …

  13. phr0ggi says:

    Get angry. Break stuff. Get sad. Cry. Get nostalgic. Smile. Get sad again. Cry. Get angry. Break something else (or finish off breaking the previous thing). Clean up. Go out with(out) friends. Watch a movie. Watch 3 in one day. Ride a bike. Paint a picture. Eat a salad. Spank a monkey (just checking if you’re still reading). Go home. Get sad. Get angry. Laugh at yourself for being angry. Then cry a bit more. Go shopping (even though you hate it). Go ice-skating. Go do something. Go do anything. Just keep going.

    Or do nothing.

    Either way, the world keeps turning. You’re dying inside but you’re not dead. You’re broken but it’s not irreparable. And because you’re strong, you will heal…slower or faster depending on which approach you choose.

    And sooner or later, one day or another, you’re gonna be ok…

    You know all this already. This comment is purely superfluous. I can’t believe you read this far. I can’t believe you’re still reading. Seriously. Stop reading. There’s nothing profound to be found here. In fact, this entire comment has been nothing but a distraction. While you’ve been reading this, a troop of spec-ops trained beavers (under my command) have snuck into your bedroom and stolen all the plastic bits off the ends of your shoelaces. A random crime? I think not. Those shoelaces are missing components in my doomsday device. And when activated, it will suck all the coffee beans of the world into a parallel dimension. And if it doesn’t work, well at least my shoelaces won’t get effed up…like yours.

    Blue skies…

  14. justBcoz says:

    Ah, phr0ggi … I’ve missed your madness :D

  15. Miriam says:

    Today is the 1st time I’ve come across your blog. It is Saturday night and I am at home with myself. A coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

    But what I know for sure is that the pain will pass. When? I don’t know but it will pass. In the meantime, immerse yourself in giving as you wait for the misery to lift. Volunteer your time and energy to less fortunate members of your society. You can find them in children’s homes, hospices and hospitals and then use the remainder of your time to get to know God better.

    Do this and one day you will wake up happy, contended and fulfilled whether you are alone with yourself or with a partner who loves and accepts you the way you are and the way you have accepted yourself.

    Only, don’t give yourself a time limit. And, don’t disqualify yourself by asking yourself “Who would want to team up with this?” because just by just reading this post, I can see that you have substance and what holds most meaningful relationships together is not so much the packaging but the contents within.

  16. Cathy says:

    I was sent here to look at your header actually. A client likes it! :)

    Anyhow, I just thrive on hearing/understanding human nature. And I spent the better part of the last 2 weeks working on a site for a relationship coach. It was light, fluffy, made me want to smack her or hug her, depending on the moment.

    I’ve been married now 15 years. And I take it for granted, baby – do I EVER. We fight. In fact I’m so mad I could smack him, I did, in fact. So far I can get away with it still. We both know who would win in a real smack down. Anyhow… I think its crap that its ok to be alone. Ppl who say that aren’t being honest. None of us want to be alone. Me included. Thats why I need to get over shit, I need to see past his ‘edges’ – nope, not a diamond. But he’s mine, right? And I’m happy with him – sometimes. And that counts. This reminded me how much it does count.

    And you’re honest! Oh my. I am honest to my peeps, but online? True -I have no peeps. I am one of those painfully shy people being the boss in the online world, and trying to maintain some sort of professionalism. But really? I want to sit next to YOU and contemplate my innermost being. Which would be ridiculous b/c we both really care about our own inner most thoughts. And others thoughts if it ultimately resonates with us or helps us understand ourselves better, right? Dont you think if this is the way we REALLY think – a lot of us – I mean the human race – that its not so unusual or ‘selfish’?

    But then that always makes me think of the mythical Housewife Creature of the 50′s. Oh! The character on Bridges of Madison county – really? Sacrificing ourselves for our families? Really? Still pondering that one.

    Nice to ‘meet’ you. Glad you posted this bit online. I appreciated it. (if that matters to you. lol)

  17. Mom says:

    Have read this for the first time today and there is not much in this world that will bring me to tears, but this did. I’m not going to make any lengthy comment, just to say that I agree wholeheartedly with Chris and Dad and I also luv you girl….very much!

  18. Michelle says:

    I came across your blog today & I can’t believe how you have put so many of my emotions into words into so many of your posts….. this one especially so brutally described the way that I felt this time last year.
    It is about a month (to the day actually!) since you wrote this post and I truly hope that you are feeling a bit brighter and that you are being kinder to yourself, you sound like an amazing person (well you sound like a reflection of me – and I have discovered that despite being overweight, over 40 , stubborn, no boobs (can cook tho!) – I am capable of so many things if I want to be)
    Take care

  19. Jail4Bail says:

    Sue, I don’t usually read you blog (no reason) and I don’t know how I ended up reading this post, seriously. Stocktaking of your life & being able to be honest with yourself, which most people I know (including myself) can’t face, seems suddenly very important when the number 40 pops.

    You will be Ok, cause you have tooo much going for you especially the passion for what you do, which affects where this little journey called life will lead you. Who knows, the why and who cares, sometimes it’s “just the way it is” and that’s good, because very soon you will look at this post and think (smiling), remember when I wrote that post and how quick things has changed. Look where I am now.

    Don’t ever assume that men don’t go through the same emotions, we do, I do, just to shit scared to face it and write it down. ;)

    You have sooo much going for you enjoy the ride!

  20. son#1 says:

    “enjoy the ride”

    BAM!!!

    i like it, i like him…? otherwise, i love you. i love you like ALOT.

  21. BlindCripple says:

    The biggest surprises come about when you least expect them.

    There are no answers for you that I can provide, but you just need to look at the comments here to be reminded about how much is really going for you and how much you really offer to us all.

    Hoping you come back from paradise with a new outlook on everything.

    We’re all around…
    x

  22. Sally-Jane says:

    I have no clever words or things to say that will make anything any better.
    All I know is that sometimes we need to be sad, I hope it passes soon ((hugs))

  23. Chris M says:

    Delayed response :)