Posted May 13th, 2009 by justBcoz in Kids, Life at Home, Personal []
Tags: , ,

Hmmm … ja … so I obviously haven’t written anything in a while.

Here’s some inside info: if I’m quiet for a long time, you KNOW something’s wrong.

At first, that was because I was in a my-life-is-so-excrutiatingly-dull-there’s-nothing-worthwhile-to-write-about phase. And I’m not exaggerating. My day-to-day existence suddenly appeared to be SO stale and monotonous that I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it. It seemed utterly pointless. There was just NOTHING going on and yes, I was in a total rut. Again. Hey, it happens you know? Well, to me at least. Meh.

So then, last week events took a drastic about turn. For the worse. And in the last week, I’ve been so wrapped up in the new drama happening, and trying to keep my head above water, that I simply haven’t had the energy to write anything. It’s been a heartbreaking and tearful few days, a massive test of my resolve.

So my life has gone from one extreme to the other in a very short space of time!

The Drama?

Well, it’s Son#1 related. And it’s ugly. It’s resulted in him moving out of home. But that’s not where it’s going to end. There’s going to be a LOT more crap to deal with before this show plays out … I may write more about this, to vent. Or not. Although I have plenty to say on the matter, I’m a little hesitant to share my feelings because any posts about the issue could very well add fuel to the fire at this stage. And SHIT, that sucks.

I feel a bit censored and I’m really not sure how to best deal with it. You know Son#1 reads my blog (so does the X btw), and he seriously takes me to task if I write stuff he doesn’t like. That shouldn’t bother me. Or should it? This is my outlet, but it’s public … I don’t to hurt anyone but at the same time I don’t want to feel like my freedom has been curtailed in any way, especially since him laying into me (about more than just this blog) is partly to blame for the current drama.

What are your thoughts on this?

Me

justBcoz
  1. Dad says:

    This is a really tricky one and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to go only to listen to your conscience as to what you should or should not say about the situation at present. The TRUTH will always out but sometimes takes/needs time to reveal itself.

  2. StevenMcD says:

    I think you’re both right here in a sense. Although you’ve done a stellar job in keeping your boys’ names secret, other people who know your family will know them. Maybe this is one of those things that should be kept internal.

    If you need to vent or cry or whatever, CALL ME! You have my number, obviously I haven’t gone through what you’re going through but I can always listen. You can scream, shout and swear, I don’t mind. When you need to vent give me a call! I’m sure you could call SheBee as well.

    We all love you to bits and tiny microscopic pieces, lets us help you were we can. LOL, you can even call me, scream ASSHOLE and slam the phone down :) I won’t mind, I promise! :D

    Love you billions lady!

  3. justB[coz] says:

    Ja … the fact that I’m having doubts about writing any detail means there’s a good reason to question going down that road. I’ll trust my gut on this one.

    Hahahahaaaaaa Steve! Your comment made me LOL :D I can just picture the expression on your face after I’ve taken up on your offer *snort* and you thinking: “crazy lady!”

  4. Diago says:

    Firstly, updating your blog should only ever be done when you feel like it. Anyone following your blog to have tomorrow’s soap opera shouldn’t be reading it in the first place :)

    I can relate to paying for the things we blog. I use to run an extremely and emotional blog a few years back, surprisingly during my own divorce, and know that it can cause extremely bad friction. It is at that point where you disconnect, sit back and re-evaluate. However, don’t ever back down from what you have written, and don’t ever try and explain it away. Your blog contains your true feelings and emotions, and often it is easier written then said, or even better. Sometimes my wife and I fight and talk over e-mail, because for some reason writing things down makes it easier.

    As long as you believe in what you write, no-one, not even your family members, ex or current, has anything to say about it. The fact is that it is your way of releasing, and that is something that should be honored and respected.

    My 2c. Which I’ll take back with the current recession making things a bit tight :)

  5. Chris M says:

    Ah ye, the good old censorship situation!

    I’ve been here before with Fe, where I’ve said things on my blog, and she’s made comments, such as “is there anything about our relationship that the world doesn’t know?” and I tend to agree to an extent. I think it’s important for some things to be private and some not, but determining which ones go where is very much circumstance based, so judging is not easy at all.

    As far as life being stale, well, I’m normally game for drinks, so once I’m able to breathe again, let’s make a plan?

  6. SheBee says:

    Although I would love to go with my initial reaction of FREEDOM OF SPEECH FTW! I will reconsider and put myself in your shoes. I hate not being able to blog about certain things, but at some point I weighed up the pros and cons.

    The drama of me writing about personal shit just outweighed everything else and I realised it actually wasn’t worth it in the end (and then I started a private anon blog, but shhhhh don’t tell anyone).

    So there you have it. No sense in my comment whatsoever but at least you know I’m thinking of you.

  7. cath says:

    SO GET YOU

    there are, as you know, many many things i HAVE to censor myself about. Sadly that is the way. and whilst yes, freedom of speech and all, in the end it often ends up not worth it to write about, because of the backlash

    mwah

    xxx

  8. cath says:

    oh and ps.

    fucking love you. like with leg humping and everything.

  9. Craig says:

    Crap girl, things don’t sound so hot at all :(

    And as for the self-censorship issue, I have to deal with it all the time. So many times already I’ve been caught out by what I’ve written – perhaps I should have gone the anonymous route and stayed there! :)

    Holding thumbs that your shit works itself out! (just like a good enema I guess?)

  10. Jeanette says:

    Hope it works out in the end. Sounds a little hectic,

  11. justB[coz] says:

    @Diago Hey! You’re talking to me again :-) It’s because I read the “Twilight” series, hey? Awesome, awesome, awesome – THANK YOU for putting me on to it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m now a HUGE fan! I bought the DVD too, as you know and I got the soundtrack – very cool music.

    I hear what you’re saying – that it shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks … but this is a tough one. I’d rather play it safe and not create even more negativity.

    @Chris … ja, I hear you. Dude, we miss you at The Forge! Hope you’re recovering from your bronchitis?

    @SheBee Thank you for thinking of me :-) I know you do, and I think of you too xxx An anonymous blog, eh? Hmmm …

    @Cath … exactly. The backlash. Love you too chicka XXX

    @Craig LOL!! :-)

    @Jeanette … yeah, thanks. It is hectic – not that he’s moved out, but because of the way it happened and the ugliness that surrounded the situation, and has not yet come to an end.

    It’s fine with me that he’s gone – hells, I moved out of home when I was 17 (under not very lekka circumstances either) but it had nothing to do with money and I certainly didn’t expect my Dad to pay for anything or support me when I did. I left home with R500 in the bank and a suitcase full of clothes. That’s it. And I just had to make a plan! I relied on friends to help me out and I worked my butt off waitressing while I was at college. It was a massive adjustment for me and it wasn’t easy at all, especially after my privileged upbringing. But it was SO good for me … I spent years and years living on the bones of my arse and seriously learned to appreciate everything and not take anything for granted.

  12. Dad says:

    @JustBcoz those were not the best of times hey?? I still shudder and feel guilty about all of that. I know it did you a huge amount of good in the long run but still wish it had never happened. I am so thankful that we some how managed to remain fairly close then and very close now. Love you lots.

  13. justB[coz] says:

    Ah Dad, I really wish you didn’t still shudder and feel guilty about anything …

    It’s true – those were certainly not the best of times and it took me a long time to get over the hurt, but get over it I did. Completely.

    We all did and said things that caused pain, stuff that we’re not proud of but please know that I have 100% forgiven you for anything you did that upset me. I mean that. Whatever happened all those years ago is ancient history as far as I’m concerned and although it wasn’t pleasant to live through, I have no ill feeling about it now whatsoever. At the time, I knew that my leaving home was the right thing for me to do – I was ready to start a life on my own. It was a step I had to take – it was entirely my decision and I have no regrets.

    I never, ever stopped loving you through all that crap. You’re my Dad and your happiness means everything to me. I totally honour, respect and love you. I think you did an outstanding job of raising me and even now, you continue to support and guide me through tough times, above and beyond the call of duty. I am incredibly proud to have you as my father and so thankful that we have such close bond.

  14. Fe says:

    Looking at Chris’s comment above made me laugh. It’s true that I have sometimes taken him to task about things he has written on his blog. Whilst I appreciate that Chris’s blog is his personal space, I also want him to keep in mind that it is not only a bunch of strangers who read his blog, but is often rather people with whom he knows and interacts with, often on a very personal level. So I have no problem with him writing whatever he wishes to write, as long as the people with whom I often have to interact with do not know my most intimate details :)
    Regarding Son #1 I make a comment here with much hesitation, as I know very little about your situation, but I would hazard a guess that he’ll wake up and realise that love is a lot more than providing material objects, and that it is in fact those that push us and are there for us (even when it doesn’t seem like it), and even when it is not convenient for them, that are the ones that truly love us, and those are the very people who we want in our lives!

  15. justB[coz] says:

    Hello Fe :-)

    You are spot on: “love is a lot more than providing material objects” … that’s been my take on it ever since I went from having everything to having nothing, materialistically speaking that is.

    I was a spoiled brat – I thought that if I didn’t get what I wanted then “they” didn’t really love me. How wrong I was. It seriously took me being just about destitute to wake up to what an ungrateful, unappreciative idiot I had been growing up.

    And I can honestly say that some of the happiest times of my life were when I had nothing.

  16. angel says:

    Oy… thats crappy. I’m sorry its been so rough.
    I do understand your feelings about your blog.
    The knucklehead doesn’t read my blog, purely because he’s not really interested in the internet or anything on it. He’s only just discovered FB and even that didn’t really grab him. I do try not to write about anything he will really be upset about me sharing, mostly because I want him to be able to read it one day, if he ever is interested.
    But at the same time, I do feel its my outlet for everything related to our lives…
    Strongs girl.

  17. justB[coz] says:

    Ja, it’s a tough call and a fine line hey Angel? Being able to release vs not hurting those you love …