Posted January 19th, 2009 by justBcoz in Mumblings, Personal []

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my divorce.

Two years.

According to all the “experts”, I’m now supposed to be over it all. Apparently it takes 2 years from the date of legal finalization to recover from this kind of trauma.

Is that true in my case? I have to admit that it’s probably not.

Because I’m still pissed.

Not all the time mind you. No, I think I’ve come a long way from where I was 2 years ago – totally broken, in every way possible. Seriously, I couldn’t function. I’ve written a lot here about how I felt and how I was trying to deal with that excruciating pain and raging anger, so I won’t go into all of that again right now.

But in all honesty, I know I still have a lot to deal with. I still have some way to go before I can think about that horrific experience and how that huge, revolting ordeal has affected me, my present situation and the kids, and not feel angry about it.

Is that even a realistic possibility? I don’t know. But I guess I have to continue to aim for that.

Onwards and upwards

  1. Dad says:

    @JustBcoz – Trying to put a time factor on how long it takes to get over a divorce is a lot of crap. Everyone goes through it differently – for some it takes a short time and for others it can take many years. Don’t put yourself in a time frame – when you are over it you will be over it!! Your major problem was that that you never had closure in an admission of guilt.

  2. Chris M says:

    I can’t relate completely, but maybe on some level I can, and all I can say is that the best thing to do is focus on those people around you who love you, and remember that there are tons of us who do! Any experience which depends heavily on time as the main determining variable is difficult – love and light!

  3. Laura says:

    SERIOUSLY? Two years after legal finalization? So I still have another 2 years to be this pissed off? Which puts it at 5 years – the same amount of time we were together!!

    Its been 3 years since I left and some days I still get incredible angry and resentful! I still have flashbacks to horrible moments!

    But its gotten better! Each day will get better and easier!

  4. Glugster says:

    Happ anniversary. Believe me, you are better off today. (Do I sound bitter in any way?)

  5. cath says:

    Happy Anniversary. Don’t focus on the bitter, focus on the sweet. Like the fact that you dont have to wake up near the arsehole.


  6. Amod Munga says:

    Don’t let people rent space in your head.
    You never get it back in the same condition.

  7. Chris M says:

    @Amod – Brilliant!

  8. justB[coz] says:

    @Dad … I agree, I’m skeptical about this so-called time frame. How can one not be? Everyone is so different, each situation is different, there’s no way this can be dumped into a “one-size fits all” scenario.

    My issue is definitely about not getting closure. Yes, you are 100% correct about that. But as you have said to me many times before, that’s probably never going to happen … I’m somehow going to have to get past that being important for me but replaying the X’s “I’ve done nothing wrong” and “we’re just friends” tapes really pisses me off.

    @Chris … I suppose this “rule of thumb” surrounding the healing time frame gets me down a bit because I’m not fitting into it and I have to wonder why? Sheesh … I really have a lot more to look at deal with. But to have come this far is pretty amazing, something that seemed utterly impossible before!! No way I could have done it without all you guys who do love and support me, cope with my ups and downs, understand that I am a work in progress and allow me to just be me.

    @Laura … yip. APPARENTLY. I hear you though … I made the shocking discovery in August 2005, so it’s taken me a whole lot longer than just 2 years to get this far. As I mentioned earlier, I NEVER thought I would. I thought I was dead. Over. Kaput. Ended. But I just kept going, minute by minute, hour by hour and eventually day by day … small steps, just keeping myself alive to face the next moment and hang on to the hope that ONE day I would be able to recover and have some sort of normal life.

    @Glugster … I truly believe that now, that I AM better off. I have a chance to build the life that *I* want to. Ok, it may not be what I always imagined or felt destined to live. No, all that’s gone and it’s time to look at the future through my own eyes and live it on my own steam. That was a crazy scary idea at first but one that I HAD to accept. And now its happening …

    @cath … I’m trying really hard not to focus on the bitter my friend. Doing that takes me to a place that I really don’t want to be anymore.

    @Amod … This is true! The challenge is “HOW” :-)

    Thanks you guys. Thanks for caring. Very special xxx

  9. B says:

    Wow… two years? Brilliant well done!

    I firmly believe divorce is the best way to shed 70 odd kilo’s of unwanted shit in a day..

    Congratulations.. and I think you should go out and celebrate,,

  10. justB[coz] says:

    Thanks B :-)

    That’s actually a very cool idea!

    Wish I could, but I still need to wrap up some work and then make sure offspring’s homework is done, get other offspring ready for his first day back at school tomorrow, water the garden, clean up the house, cook supper. All THAT stuffs *sigh* …

  11. StevenMcD says:

    well Suetjie, we all love you to tiny tiny little bits. Chris is right, focus on the people that mean something to you. I can’t imagine going through what you went through, honestly. Your strength and willingness to speak about what happened to you has empowered some people I know who were going through something similar recently.

  12. hi there. apologies for approaching like this. i’m doing a story for an sa mag about women bloggers. wondered if you would be interested in answering a couple of queries. If so, can you drop me a line? i love the honesty of your blog. and the attendant humour. thanks.

  13. justB[coz] says:

    @Steven … :D :D :D Thank you xxx

    You know, when I started sharing my journey here, it was mainly to help me process stuff and keep a few people close to me in the loop as to where my head was at but a few months into it, I started to realise that more and more people were arriving here and reading what I had to say. I’ve seen people coming to my blog from what strikes me as some tragic and desperate searches and sticking around to read about my experiences and feelings. I’ve come to appreciate that justB[coz] is not only much needed keyboard for me, but also a source of help and inspiration to other people, all over the world, who need to feel like they are not alone. That’s incredibly rewarding for me. I know that most of my posts are yawnably mundane (“don’t hold your breath”, remember?), but every so often one pops up that people can totally relate to and they draw courage from it. To be able to touch someone’s life in that way is more than I could ever have hoped to do. And now, to hear you say that my blog has empowered somebody that YOU know … well, that’s so moving. Wow. I sometimes forget that most of the visitors here remain unknown and anonymous, and to be reminded that even in their silence, good things are happening as a result of them coming to visit, is just completely awesome!

  14. Chris M says:

    @Sue – What you have just said to @Steven is so incredibly spot on and a perfect premise for why people should blog. Forget about the money, traffic, fame and so forth and really get back to what blogging was meant to be, “Dear Diary..” :)

    It’s a personal diary with crowdsourcing potential.

  15. Chris M says:

    Another comment just came through, what did I just say about “fame”, haha ;)

  16. justB[coz] says:

    @Chris … haha! I’m LOLling, that’s pretty funny :-)

    I’ve just seen that comment now myself. Goodness gracious, that’s a bit unexpected!

    @Reluctant … Hello there :-) Sjoe!! Mmk, I’ll drop you a line. Yikes, I’ve got butterflies!! But sure, if I can help you out, why not?

  17. Miss Boates says:


    I was with you thru this time and you have come full circle – you are leaps and bounds better than you were – it was a horrible and trying time for you but you have overcome and anialated all of your obsticals – you should be proud of yourself and of how far you have come.

    You are beautiful (inside and out), precious and loved – never forget this !!!!

    me xx