Posted September 4th, 2008 by justBcoz in Personal []
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve just found out that another beautiful woman I know has been betrayed.

They’ve been married for only 8 months but I could see this becoming a reality a year before their wedding. Perhaps I’m sensitive to this kind of potential devastation only because I have lived through it and learned from it. I have the benefit of hindsight. I am able to see the signs, the flashing red lights that go off when couples behave in certain way, individually or together.

Should I have said anything? Should I have verbalized my concern? Was it any of my business?

No. I don’t think so. Couples tying the knot are deaf and blind to any warnings. They don’t want to hear that things could go pear-shaped. They don’t want to see that their future together may not be eternally easy. They are “in love” and the world is perfect. Or so they try to convince themselves.

You want with all your heart to believe that your marriage will never end, that you’ll be with this person for life. But the sad reality is that you only have a 1 in 2 shot of that happening these days. The odds aren’t good and you’d better be ready to face them. Or make damn sure you know how to beat them.

Yes, I’m cynical about marriage. I’ve just seen too many people become complacent within its “safe” confines. I’ve seen too many people (men AND women) break their vows and inflict unspeakable cruelty on their partners. I’ve seen far too many lives destroyed by this, including my own.

I detest betrayal of ANY kind.

“You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.” – Proverb

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[ Babynet has just published an interesting study regarding the possible connection between male infidelity and the AVPR1A gene here. ]

justBcoz
  1. Ches says:

    Cheating is the most low, heart wrenching thing anyone can do…

    …and I can’t stand the ‘self pity’ some people get when they’ve been betrayed. “It’s because he/she loves me…I drove him/her to do it.” Please.
    The problem is these unfaithful oxygen thieves make us cynical, and give love, friendship and commitment a bad name! I refuse, however, to let them make me believe there aren’t good, decent people out there!

  2. justB[coz] says:

    @Ches … I used to think “I made him do it”. I now know otherwise.

    Yes, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. But it only takes 1 person to totally destroy it.

    Of course we all need to own our contribution to the relationship (good or bad) but to simply give up on ourselves and believe that we are to blame when our partners cheat is so wrong. Cheating – physical, mental or emotional betrayal – has everything to do with our partner’s character flaws and their host of unresolved emotional issues, and has absolutely NOTHING AT ALL to do with us!!

    There ARE good people out there. And there ARE people who are willing to grow WITH you instead of apart from you. I think far too many people get married way too young (yes, I was one of them – I was 21, he was 24) and don’t take into account that it is in our nature to change and grow. Different directions. Different rates. Adapting to that with love and wisdom within your agreed boundaries is part of what makes marriage hard work.

    You have to be honest with yourself and fair to your partner. Ask yourself:
    Am I committed to this 100%. For life?
    Am I willing to make the sacrifices necessary to ensure that my partner always feels my love?
    Am I willing to keep learning about him/her every day?
    Am I aware that mature love is a choice?
    Am I willing to let myself be loved?

  3. Sir G says:

    Betrayal – physical/emotional is the lowest base. Its the starkest form of cruelty – stripping the other of their value and driving force. For what? Your ego? A little new attention? You are an idiot, and after its quickly evaportated, you will see what you have lost and what you have done to an absoltely beautiful woman. Ive seen this bullshit happen far too much. I refuse to let these selfish spineless assholes shatter the idealism of what it all could and should be. Im sick of seeing this, and im sick of being a bystander to the most insane crimes. Right now, I want to tear him apart.

  4. Dad says:

    Please people just remember it does happen the other way round as well -maybe not quite as much but it does happen.
    I know that for a fact!

  5. justB[coz] says:

    @Dad … yes, it does. that’s why I said “men AND women” – I’ve seen it happen that way around too …

  6. B says:

    *sigh*

    This is why i dont believe in forever.. hence I dont think i will ever remarry… forever does not exist.. its been replaced by “till it stops being fun”

    baah hunbug!

  7. justB[coz] says:

    @B … yeah, I can relate to that. But it makes me sad … I mean, I’ve thought about the rest of my life without ever being married again and that seems really empty and lonely to me. I would like to get married again one day. But I am not anywhere near ready for it yet. I have a lot to learn about myself first, a lot of living and growing to do on my own before I choose to team up with someone for a life-time partnership.

  8. Dad says:

    @JustBcoz – “I have a lot to learn about myself first, a lot of living and growing to do on my own before I choose to team up with someone for a life-time partnership.”
    Very, very wise words. If you cant love and live by yourself don’t expect anyone else to be able to do so.

  9. esvl says:

    For better and for worse.

    I think for worse applies here?

  10. justB[coz] says:

    @esvl … yip, for better and for worse. Too bad some people take that so lightly.

  11. Mark says:

    Yeah, I would change the headline to “Another asshole cheats on its spouse” — something like that because it’s 2-way these days foshizzle. You mentioned men and womsn but headline is anti-dude. How’s the bod today…

  12. justB[coz] says:

    @Mark … I hear you, I do. I am in *no way* anti-dudes. I LURVE dudes :D

    But this post was triggered by a real-life dude who screwed around and perhaps it has an anti-dude undercurrent because *personally* aware of more men cheating than women. I’m not saying that’s the truth – I have no facts to back that up, it’s only my own experience.

    As for the bod – urgh, it’s a bit sore and I must confess that I have missed some training :-(
    But I’m still eating well and have already lost a cm off my waist!!

  13. justB[coz] says:

    I just wanted to offer this site as a resource for anyone who may find themselves facing the nightmare of discovering that their spouse has been unfaithful.

    http://www.infidelity-help.com/

    It’s a site run by Dr Robert Huizenga and it provides some incredibly useful advice on how to “survive and cope with extramarital affairs”. I have personally made use of this site and can recommend Dr Huizenga’s insightful and articles and emails.

    Robert also runs The Infidelity Support on Facebook where you can connect and interact with others experiencing the same thing. The discussion boards are private.

    http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13296252135

    I hope that helps.
    xxx

  14. Glugster says:

    I’ve been married. Was cheated on once. (Long story I prefer not to expand on). But there you have it, happening the other way around. Good thing I’ve met an awesome woman that I just love to bits, despite not looking for it.

  15. justB[coz] says:

    @Glugster … sheesh, it’s amazing how many people have to go through something so bloody awful!!

    And I’m stoked that you met your awesome lady :D

  16. Mark says:

    Good for you on the cm and don’t let anything stop you from training/working out. You are so awesome.

  17. SwissTwist says:

    This post and the comments sure have sparked alot of emotion – both pain and anger. Mr Twist cheated on me after 9 months of marriage (and as I’ve told, it nearly killed me), somehow we’ve moved on from there and ‘touch wood’ 2 years on, things are better; but you never ever forget and the trust and security I once felt will never be the same. What I found amazing is how he is able to put it behind him, saying ‘its in the past, its over’ and then expect me to just move on as if it never happened.
    My hat off to you for coming through your experience so well, stronger and in many ways a role model to many!

    (Thanks for the link!)

  18. justB[coz] says:

    @SwissTwist … oh my sweet … it sounds to me as if there are still a lot of unresolved issues here. Recovering from infidelity and securing the future of your marriage is a massive undertaking and I urge you to seek some professional help!

    I can feel so much unfinished business in your comment – there are raw wounds that need to be treated and boundaries that need to be established before you can get anywhere *near* close to trusting again … you are carrying way too much pain still.

    I honestly don’t think it would be wise or good for you to let the situation continue as it is. Sooner or later the wheels are going to come off …

  19. Dad says:

    @SwissTwist – very wise words form JustBcoz. You would do well to heed what she has said.