Posted August 19th, 2008 by justBcoz in Rants []
Tags: , ,

I know I *shouldn’t* feel like this, but I honestly don’t know what the point of me being in another “Family Session” is … not after what happened yesterday.

I feel like telling them to call me when they’re actually ready to hear me. Do my feelings and experiences really count for nothing? If they can’t see that everything I’ve been going through is not impacting on my children, then they have missed the boat and as far as I’m concerned, there’s a big fat hole in their theories.

Even *I* know that my issues have had a negative effect, for god’s sake!

One of those issues?

NOT HAVING A VOICE!!!

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? Can you hear me?

Or do I just have to sit there with a mouthful of angry teeth again, because you won’t let me be honest?

Why the hell is everyone pussyfooting around here? I’m so mad that the dance of deceit is being played out right before my very eyes and ONCE AGAIN I have been rendered powerless to do anything about it.

Fuck.

This is how I have been feeling for years people!!! YEARS!!!

I open my mouth, I get shot down.

Unheard. Invalidated. Dismissed. Judged. Mocked. Condemned.

And you wonder why I don’t talk, you tell me I should “open my bloody mouth”.

Why?

justBcoz
  1. StevenMcD says:

    idea, can’t you trap one of the counsellors after the session and explain this? Or get their email address and just ask them to read two or three of your blogposts?

  2. Dad says:

    Why don’t you print out this post, take it with you and give it to one of the “team”?

  3. justB[coz] says:

    I was thinking about printing some of my posts out for them, but I’m not even sure if they’ll be open to reading them. They seem so set on the fact that this is all about Son#1 and not me … I’m really struggling to accept that separation. Am I completely off track here? Am I being too self-absorbed? So going around in circles …

  4. Dad says:

    Just take this post as it says it all.

  5. justB[coz] says:

    Mmmm … perhaps it does. I’ll take it with me and see if I need to use it, if it can help.

  6. Ches says:

    JB…maybe not the right thing to ask but, do you have anyone to talk to outside of these sessions? Someone who is irrelevant to anything but you?

  7. justB[coz] says:

    Hey Ches, no man … no. I’ve been to therapists before – they SUCKED :-(

    The Terrible Tag Team gave me the name and number of someone to talk to … I’m just a bit skeptical you know?

  8. Dad says:

    @JustBcoz. Like many things in life you have to experiment before you actually connect. Maybe the same applies to therapists?
    Give it one last try. I think you are, in many ways, in a far better place than you were when you tried before.

  9. Glugster says:

    I’m with Ches on this one. Just chat to someone who will only listen. What you don’t need is someone who only half listens and then comes up with useless advise and charge you a fortune for nothing. And in any case, you are being heard right here on your blog. I don’t think you want someone to tell you what to do. You just want someone to listen. (I might be wrong!)

    I honestly don’t know how the tag team can think that your life and issues can’t be taken into consideration. I’ve had a relatively uneventful and normal life growing up, yet there have been a lot of issues with my mom that has negatively affected me. That is, until I realised what they were and how to handle it. Son#1 needs to confront your issues too.

  10. justB[coz] says:

    @ Dad … mmk, I’ll give it a try

    @Glugster … you are dead right!!! I just want someone to listen, to hear me, to be able to let stuff out without being told I’m wrong for feeling what I do. If someone disagrees with me, fine, I’ve got no problem with that. But tell me why, tell me how YOU see things, open my eyes to a new perspective. Don’t just dismiss me. That hurts so much.

    I guess that’s a large part of why I started writing – I just need to offload in a safe place. And now that I have so many awesome people reading what I have to say, and participating in my life, I am finding it SO much easier to deal with stuff. I really value everyone’s input so much.

    Thank you for confirming for me that my life experiences and issues are indeed part and parcel of what Son#1 needs to deal with!!!

  11. justB[coz] says:

    I think, for the first time ever, I am starting to realise that I do actually need people … hmmm

  12. Dad says:

    Everybody needs people. You may be able to EXIST on your own but you can’t LIVE a full life on your own.

  13. justB[coz] says:

    And I think that’s starting to dawn on me – I’ve been cut off from people for too long.
    I didn’t always have a choice about that, as you well know. But now I do …

    MUST GET OUT AND ABOUT
    MUST MEET PEOPLE
    MUST CONNECT

  14. BigFriendly says:

    Justbcoz, this is a formal invitation for coffee and cake at a place of your choice. We can swap war stories, compare laugh lines and just fill in the blanks since we worked together in those dark days of our miss-spent youth ….. well in my case at least. Youth is so far behind me it has it’s own wall in the Cradle of Mankind.

    It’s on the table, you just say Aye when you’re ready.

  15. justB[coz] says:

    Oh wow … that’s awesome.

    It’s been 9 years BF – NINE FRIGGING YEARS!!! So much chinwagging to do hey?

    Thank you, thank you … watch out for the “Aye” :D

  16. Ches says:

    I agree with your dad + glugster….you need someone to listen, and to understand YOU!
    Often these people don’t even have to say anything because after lots of talking, you realise you’ve been listen to yourself all along, you just need someone to hear you!

  17. justB[coz] says:

    Yeah :-)

    I hope this chick they put me onto is good, that she’s right for me …

  18. justB[coz] says:

    So, it’s nearly time for me to leave now … I’m in a MUCH better frame of mind than I was earlier so THANK YOU everyone!!!!!

    Let’s see what happens …
    xxx