Posted August 18th, 2008 by justBcoz in Personal []
Tags: , , , ,

Well, that was bloody awful!

I’m back from the Family Session at the clinic and surprise, surprise … I’m a complete wreck. Eish …

*Apparently* my feelings or opinions count for sweet fuckall. I sat there during the session while stuff was being said, some of it untrue, and when I was asked about how I was feeling about the session, I spoke up. And guess what? I was shot down!!

“No, no, that’s *adult* stuff, don’t raise it here.”

WTF???

People, you ASKED me!! I tell you that I’m also still trying to deal with stuff around the things we discussed, e.g. the divorce, that I’m also looking for closure on issues. I tell you that some things raised were not true and then you tell me to shut up?!

So all those feelings I’ve been carrying about feeling completely worthless, about my opinions or my feelings counting for nothing, were confirmed and affirmed for me right then and there.

I AM NOT ALLOWED TO OPEN MY MOUTH.

WHAT I SAY OR FEEL IS IRRELEVANT.

So I exploded into a silent rage of tears.

The X and Son#1 were kicked out and I was left alone with the Terrible Tag Team feeling like a complete loser. Once again, I am the emo one, the one who falls apart, the one who can’t deal with shit.

I am so fucking OVER being broken all the time!!!

I am so frustrated that I can’t get past this SHIT!!!

I am so MASSIVELY pissed off that the X had the GALL to sit there and say he didn’t have an affair. Wake up and smell the coffee! Just because you didn’t bonk her brains out DOES NOT mean you didn’t have an affair. Why can’t you GET that?

AAAAAARRRRRGGGH!

I guess that’s all I’m looking for, all I’ve ever wanted – a simple bloody acknowledgement from him that all my pain was for a REASON. I can handle the rejection, I can handle the fact that we were no longer compatible but what I can’t handle is that IT’S ALL MY FAULT and he bears NO RESPONSIBILITY.

But I guess that’ll never happen. It’s been 3 years since I found out and nothing’s changed, he still denies it.

And what then? What if it never does happen? How how HOW do learn to live with not getting any closure – and live in peace, instead of in pieces?

This is where I am stuck. This is where all the shit feelings get trapped. This is where I can’t move away from and I can’t leave it behind because it’s STILL getting paraded around in front of me … that I was to blame for it all.

*deep breaths*

Anyway … fuck … now what?

They gave me the number for a therapist. I guess I’ll make an appointment but I’m skeptical. I’ve vented enough about this, how will more talking help? She can’t “fix” anything and my experience with other therapists has been pretty dismal.

Urgh

I’m so bored with being emo and over not being able to have a life, never mind enjoy it.

This roller coaster ride is ridiculously tiring …

justBcoz
  1. Dad says:

    Who are these people???
    How can they expect normality for Son#1 in a totally abnormal situation.
    They need to hear and see your pain because it is something that will forever be an obstacle to what they are trying to do for Son#1.
    He can not live in a vacuum and if you cant find closure that’s what they wanting him to do.
    Hell I wish I had been there!

  2. justB[coz] says:

    They want him to be able to separate “our shit” from “his shit” … it’s so confusing!!!

    He says he wants to know what happened, then he says he’s not interested, that it doesn’t matter??

    But I do feel better that they got to actually see my pain – it was unintentional, it just came pouring out. I was beating myself up for breaking down, but now I’m thinking perhaps it was a good thing that it happened, and in front of everyone too.

    I *think* there’s the possibility that it could help the Terrible Tag Team to see a very real obstacle that needs to be overcome in order for Son#1 to heal. And that’s the fact that my brokeness has hindered me from being the mom he’s needed.

    I don’t know what the solution is, but I do feel that a little more light has been shed on a problem.

  3. Mom says:

    Aaaarrrgh!!!!!!!!! I’m so hopping bloody mad at this moment……..Wish I had been there too!! Dad is absolutely right and I personally think that there is not much separating the two lots of shit and all of this needs to come out into the open in order for both of you to heal. Son#1 needs to heal but you need closure and healing too otherwise how is this ever going to work for him?? Don’t these people get it????

  4. justB[coz] says:

    I dunno hey …

    On the one hand I agree with them, that it IS our shit and he needs to let go of it. But on the other hand, it’s such an integral part of the relationship between Son#1 and I not being as healthy as it should and therefore affects him deeply …

    It’s one of those conununundrumthingymajigs and I just can’t get my head around it right now – feeling way too buggered to make ANY sense of it all!

  5. Dad says:

    Maybe it will be a good thing for you to see another therapist so that you can sort out in your own mind if what all of us are saying is correct or if there is some other way that it can all be sorted out. You will at least have a chance to sort through your own angst and emotions and that can only be a good thing.

  6. Mom says:

    Dad’s right, it won’t hurt to see someone else on your own, but this still doesn’t resolve the problem of the truth being heard, understood and accepted by Son#1 which will go a long way towards his healing. He’s no longer a small boy from whom we need to hide things and the more he understands how this is connected with his own issues the better. We’re in no way therapists but we’ve all had life experience and are equipped with a certain amount of common sense that tells us that we’re not far off the mark with the comments made so far on this issue.
    xxxx

  7. Nats says:

    son#1 has found a program to figure his shit out… he’s a good example to follow. have you heard of naranon before or alanon? very good for people who live with addicts. just to help deal with the recovery process both for you and son#1. I also believe allowing yourself to get one on one sessions with someone could be very healthy for Your spirit. We can only change ourselves not the world around us. Mr. X will become less and less to you once you become more and more to yourself thus becoming more and more to your boys. But you already know this shit.

    Hugs and love always! if you need a vacation, i have a bed you can sleep on. ;)

  8. justB[coz] says:

    MWAH!!!

    You are a shining light in my life today beautiful sis :D

  9. Dad says:

    “Mr. X will become less and less to you once you become more and more to yourself thus becoming more and more to your boys.”
    Love it. Agree 100% with Nats.

  10. BigFriendly says:

    I try and not comment directly on the issues raised here as I don’t feel I have all the facts, information or even the right but now feel compelled to throw in my few cents at this stage. I’m with Mom, Dad and Nats here. As a person who has found himself in situations that in some aspects are being reflected here by you I feel I have some wisdom (or not) to pass on to you. The best thing you can do for both yourself and son#1 is to find yourself an independent, objective and qualified somebody to talk to. A person who can help you reach a point where you don’t respond with guilt and anger to the situation. As long as you are placed on the defensive you will feel that you are on the loosing side, you need to find your place of strength and clarity from which to respond. An objective neutral person will help you find that again.

    Sue, you are an talented creative intelligent person that needs to break this cycle of doubt and negative self perception. Allow yourself to find that sassy, self assured and ambitious person. Create your own network of support and protection. Alanon (http://www.alanon.org.za/) is a good place to start.

    If this comment is out of line, please feel free to delete. I won’t be offended. It just breaks my heart to see/hear you like this. It’s not the person I know and remember.

  11. justB[coz] says:

    @Dad and @Nats … “once you become more and more to yourself” is the part I’m stuck on.

    @BigFriendly … No way you are out of line BF, no way.

    Yes, I need to break this cycle, this is not me, this is not who I want to be either! Thank you, I’ll give serious consideration to creating a network of support.

    God, I’m feeling so “needy” right now …

  12. BigFriendly says:

    But you are in need and there are people who are here for you. So trust and acknowledge your need, you can’t do this alone. Your Dad, Mom and Nats know what they are talking about. Lean on them.

    I know I’m blowing my cool cred here, but get the new Neil Diamond. It’s great. Listing to it now on my iTunes.

  13. justB[coz] says:

    @BigFriendly … That’s not blowing your cool cred! Neil Diamond is a legend … hells, even Urge Overkill recorded covered one of his songs! (Pulp Fiction – Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon)

    :D