Posted August 16th, 2008 by justBcoz in Personal []
Tags: , , , , ,

Mmk, so we have 2 more Family Sessions coming up at the clinic – one on Monday and one on Tuesday.

In light of the fact that I really struggle to talk at these things and because I’ve failed to open my mouth when I’ve heard some bullshit being spoken, I have decided to go back into my email archives and dig out the truth.

Yes, I have kept EVERYTHING …

So when I hear the X speak on my behalf, saying “we did everything we could” with regard to addressing Son#1′s “problems” as he was encountering them, starting a few years ago, and he tells everyone how he has always supported me in disciplining the kids, I can haul this out. It’s an email I sent to him in April 2005:

He (Son#1) does not feel secure about himself because of current home circumstances … As I’ve always said, the only way he’s going to “grow up” is to experience our love in a way that he understands and relates to so that he starts to feel emotionally safe. Then he’ll start learning to make better choices because he’s getting what he needs from home and doesn’t need to look outside for his emotional fulfillment. He’ll then be more open to our guidance, which he desperately needs.

I know you don’t agree with me on this and that you feel the permissive route is better, but as an emotionally retarded teenager in a hostile, careless, fast-paced society that bombards youngsters with violence and amoral behaviour and almost completely desensitizes them, loving guidance is not optional, it is critical. Hence the need for us to work TOGETHER and support each other in making sure he understands that there are limits to what he can and can’t do, how to distinguish between right and wrong.

I believe that as his emotional maturity develops, the rest of his life will start falling into place – and this includes academic achievement. I also believe that once he does start achieving in areas he clearly doesn’t at the moment, he will feel better and better about himself too. So it’s a cycle that needs to start. And it starts with us.

And when I hear the X saying things like I was the cold one, I was the one who lost interest in the marriage and that I hurt him, I will have evidence to the contrary:

It breaks my heart that our communication has been reduced to occasional short emails and sms messages and I am not able to tell you this in person anymore. Nor am I able to kiss or hug you as you have closed yourself off from me completely.

You should also know that I am still 100% committed to reconciling and renewing our marriage and I will continue to do everything I can to demonstrate my love and dedication to you, no matter what.

I miss you,
Me
Xxx

And then, when I found out about HER:

I am devastated by this – the pain is unbearable and my hurt is unspeakable. As I uncover the evidence of the double life you have been leading and follow the trail of deception and destruction, my heart is shattered.

But I want you to know that more than anything, my greatest desire is to reconcile with you, and for you to give me the chance to be the wife you deserve and to create the loving home and family we all want.

I want you to be completely open and honest with me – about everything. We are both responsible for our relationship deteriorating and we both need to own up to and work on areas that create problems for each other.

I love you and I WILL do whatever it takes to restore our marriage.

Me

And when he tells people that he “tried everything” he could, I’ll be able to CONFIDENTLY say: “hang on a sec … I don’t believe that’s quite true – here is an email I sent you” …

I don’t know whether you have started divorce proceedings or not and I don’t know when your summons will arrive.

Before that happens, I would like to put something on the table so that I know that I have done absolutely everything I possibly can in order to save this marriage.

As angry as I am right now, I am still convinced that divorce is not the answer and that it will not solve anything for either of us. Apart from just deferring personal issues we both have to other relationships, it will also bring about a whole new set of problems to deal with.

I would like for us to go for counseling. I know you are afraid, so am I, and I know you want to just get away from all this, but for both our sakes I would really like to meet with you in the safety of a therapist’s room to talk about us and see if there is any way we can learn what we need to know from and about each other.

I love you and I do not want a divorce.

Please will you think about this?

Me

He never responded to that email.

His next communication with me was a one-liner, telling me that he was “expediting the divorce.”

You see, I’ve sat in the corner for years now, biting my lip about what really happened, afraid that the truth would hurt my children. But now, all this has cropped up again and I can see that it needs to be dealt with once and for all, for my sake AND theirs.

No longer will I swallow his lies, keep my mouth shut and allow everyone else to be deceived at the expense of my own freedom. I thought I was protecting my kids but it’s backfired and created an obstacle between my boys and I that now HAS to be shattered and blown out the way.

I am going in on Monday armed with the necessary evidence to counter the CRAP that comes out of his mouth!

The truth WILL set me free.

justBcoz
  1. Dad says:

    This is really gut wrenching stuff and I back you all the way – I was there for a lot of it and know what was going down.

  2. StevenMcD says:

    Well done Lady! You kick his ass and you kick it good. From the way you writing this you seem more confident than I’ve read in a while, well done! It seems the counselling isn’t only helping Son#1 but its helping you too. Take your ammo with you and use it when necessary!

  3. justB[coz] says:

    @Dad … thank you! As you know, it’s really tough for me to communicate this all properly, ESPECIALLY with him there – he has this tendency to make me think I’m going completely insane. So it’s good to have you backing me, knowing that you were there at the time all the shit was happening and that I wasn’t just imagining it all!

    @StevenMcD … Yes, I think this IS helping me :-) I’m feeling confident right now, I hope my resolve holds!! The X unnerves me somewhat, but I’ll have all the correspondence with me, in plain black and white, to support me, to speak for me if I go blank!

  4. Mom says:

    Heart wrenching stuff to put on paper and hats off to you for finally taking this step to free yourself!! With you all the way in heart and spirit….so go and kick ass!!

  5. Nats says:

    go sis!! take by the balls and twist!