Posted August 4th, 2008 by justBcoz in Personal []
Tags: , , , ,

Yesterday I spewed my emo self all over this screen and now I feel bad …

I feel bad that I’ve upset my Dad and stressed him out :-(

Dad, I’m sorry. I so don’t want you to worry about me. If I’ve put a burden on your shoulders, please forgive me. I’m 37 years old, I shouldn’t do that. You’ve done so much for me to help me feel stronger, to re-build my confidence and now I’ve surely disappointed you.

I just don’t know where I should be right now. I’m supposed to be a big girl, I’m supposed to cope on my own and I’m supposed to be strong enough to not feel overwhelmed like this.

I have two teenage sons and yet I feel like a child myself sometimes. A lot of the time I am indeed a strong, independent and very capable person. But at times like this, I’m not and I feel ashamed for worrying people, for appearing weak and immature.

This is when I want to just completely disconnect from everyone and everything. I’ve put my Skype onto “do no disturb”, I am not replying to any Facebook stuff and I can’t sum up the courage to do anything but lurk in Twitterland. Part of me does not want to spread my bad energy.

But my blog is a bit different – you are reading this by your own choice and I know you can simply click off this site if you don’t want to read anymore. So I am forcing myself to write this out and publish it. Because I need to. Because perhaps I can make some sense out of all this black confusion if I express it in writing. And it’s the ONLY way I can connect with anyone in ANY way right now. My natural instinct is to totally withdraw into my cave like a wounded animal. And at this very moment, in my pit of pain, I am experiencing some very scary feelings. Again.

I really have some dark periods … this is definitely one of them. At least they are not chained together anymore – there are some gaps between them. I just have to ride this out I guess.

Or am I wrong?

Do I let things run their course? Do I wait for this to pass? Do I let time do its “thing”?

Or what? What am I supposed to do? In this very moment?

I can’t think too clearly right now. I feel a bit like I’m a daze …

  1. Dad says:

    Dearest Daughter as a father I will never stop loving you and feeling concern for you – even when you are 50 (if I am still around and can still think straight) I will want only the best for you.
    There is no way in hell that you have disappointed me or put any burden on my shoulders that I am not willing ready and able to bear. To the contrary I have watched in admiration as you have dealt with with one thing after the other and there is certainly no need to feel any kind of shame. Anyone who is going through what you have and are going through would go through some really low and dark places. Sometimes we need someone to bring us back into the light.

  2. StevenMcD says:

    seriously now, your Dad is awesome, so there’s a huge + to focus on :)

  3. justB[coz] says:

    Yes, Dad – you ARE awesome. Thank you (again!!!)

    I am VERY lucky to have you in my life, you and a whole bunch of other people who love me and support me every day.

    Sometimes I lose sight of that … thank you for reminding me Steve.