Posted May 23rd, 2008 by justBcoz in Personal []
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*emo warning*

Enough is enough! I’ve put my life and happiness on the back burner for long enough.

I’ve spent the last 3 years as an emotional cripple, dealing with the shock and horror of a marriage that went south and dragged me down with it. I’ve been living in no-man’s land, numbed by grief and fear, trying to survive each day without falling completely apart.

As you can imagine, everything has suffered – my health, my mind, my relationships, my home, and my business. I can see how my depression and withdrawal has allowed all aspects of my life to deteriorate. There is so much that I have neglected of late and I just can’t leave it any longer. I know that if I don’t take steps to sort things out, catch up with the world and get back on top everything, not much is going to go well for me in the future.

My Dad has always told me that I am stronger than I think; others close to me have always believed in my ability to tough it out and survive and I’ve pushed through some really hard times in my life. But I haven’t really believed in myself for a while now, perhaps because my self esteem was¬†so totally¬†shredded. This needs to change, I have to find a way to get excited about my life again, to regain my confidence and meet my challenges head on. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m in a slump, I really want get my life back on track again. I have to start making some changes.

This would have been damn near impossible for to contemplate before now, but I’m starting to feel a bit stronger, like I have reached the point where I’m ready to move forward.

So that’s that! It’s decided – time for me to out of my funk, and into my groove …

This is NOT going to be easy, it’s not going to be quick and I’ll have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. (I am inclined to give myself a hard time if I don’t do things as fast or as well as I think they should be done.) It’s actually going to be an incredible amount of work – you have no idea how much stuff I have to do, how many things I have to organize! And my chronic migraines and fatigue aren’t going to help either. Actually, if anything is going to screw up my plans and set me back, it’s that, and that worries me. Even as I write this, my back is in spasm, my shoulders are locked up around my ears, my head feels like it’s going to explode, I feel like I want to hooch and I can hardly see straight. Not Good. Oh boy … baby steps, baby steps …

Wish me luck and send me happy vibes as I tackle a To Do list as long as The Great Wall! And my first task, when I am done with work for the day, is to draw up the list =)