That post I put up yesterday? The one about me feeling strong and finding my mojo?
It turned out to be bullshit.
Yesterday took a full-on vertical nose-dive. For one thing, the Family Session was bloody awful … for me at least, not for everyone else (I’ll write about how Son#1 is doing a bit later). Then Sir G had to leave the office in the afternoon while I was out and he came back distraught – he was not coping with our breakup.
After all the drama of the day, I found myself totally spinning out and spiraling downwards ridiculously quickly …
You think you’re a good enough mother? WRONG.
You think you were an ok girlfriend? WRONG.
You think you had your own side to the divorce story? WRONG.
You think you had a voice? WRONG.
You think it’s ok for you to look after yourself and “be selfish”? WRONG.
“Hands up all those who thought it was safe to come out of their cave …” YOU? NOT SO FAST!
I keep hearing that we are presented with challenges in order to teach us things we need to learn in our lives. Well, I must be a complete and utter moron!
Universe: whatever “tests” you’re dishing out to me AGAIN – keep them! Just leave me to my stupid self, ok? I’m not interested anymore, you hear me? I give up man …You win. I’m the bad guy, I’m the villain, everything is my fault and no matter what the fuck I do, no matter which way I turn or what new angles I try, no-one’s ever going to be satisfied. I’m either hurting myself or other people. Lose-lose.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore …
EVERY SINGLE TIME I start feeling stronger I get side-wiped.
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Mmk, so that’s what I wrote last night … I didn’t publish it because firstly, I felt a bit embarrassed that all my RARA bravado seemed to be a crock of shit and secondly, because I didn’t want to worry anyone.
But I’ve had a good night’s rest now (thank goodness for sleeping pills) and I’ve woken up feeling slightly better today.
Better or numb? Actually, I’m not sure. But I’m not drowning in self-pity, so I guess that’s a plus?
Sheesh … we’ll see what the day holds.
And please don’t give me any chipper TGIF crap – I’ll be working my a$$ off this weekend …
@JustBcoz “Why am I the only one who sees through his bullshit?”
Just remember how long it took for YOU (& me) to see through it all.
@StevenMcD … no dude, I already have 4 dogs AND 2 cats … that’s more than enough 🙂
And chocolate? I think I’m keeping Cadbury’s in business at the moment … pffft! Who was the toss who made us buy into the idea that chocolate makes you feel better? I want my money back!
@cath … K xxx
@Mom … everything you say here is supposed to make sense to me, and I’m supposed to believe it and act on it. I just can’t right now.
@Dad … He pulled his usual tricks. Why am I the only one who sees through his bullshit? It’s so frustrating. He is somebody I would like to have nothing to do with, ever again, but I’m chained to him against my will because of the kids. As I said to you, I feel like I need to have a session with just Son#1 and me, now that we’re getting “down and dirty” – I need to say some shit that I can’t speak about in front of the X because of how supremely brilliant he is at twisting things, making himself look like such a bloody hero and making me look like a fool, how he manages to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes and bluff his way through situations where honesty is called for. It’s not helping anyone who needs the help right now. I don’t care about him – he can think what he likes. What I DO care about is the bunch of lies he’s spitting out to the counselors and our kids. And yes, perhaps calling in the grandparents is a good idea too …
I can only presume that the X did a complete about turn on how he was going to back you.
So what’s new?
YOU have to stand in TRUTH and when you do it will set you free.
Everybody that knows and loves you knows what the truth is and will stand behind you for as long as it takes.
Stand up and let yourself be counted! Get out of that cave and take on whatever the F#*@ is lurking out there!!
You ARE a good Mother and always have done your best for your boys!
You’ve always had your own side to the story, and WE believe it!
YOU HAVE A VOICE – don’t let yourself be intimidated into believing that you don’t! Don’t accept crap from anybody, you know who you are – don’t let anybody let you feel inferior because you are not !!!!
It’s definitely OK for you to look after yourself and in no way selfish – in fact it’s very important for your physical, emotional and mental well being and if that’s functioning properly…..so will everything and everyone else around you.
A lesson to be learned: You can satisfy some people some of the time, but never all of the people all of the time , so STOP bashing yourself. You have inner strength – JUST BELIEVE IT!!
xxxxx
Ah my friend.
Aish. thinking of you.
we’re in this together, k?
MWAH
you know what you need, seriously, you need a puppy 🙂 A puppy always makes you feel better 🙂
Focus on the positives, your PA is almost here 🙂 I also suggest a slab of Black & Green Organic chocolate.
… and to you SwissTwist – big bear hugs to you – you are one brave lady my friend. Thinking of you …
**hugs**