Well, it started last night actually … had a little breakdown.
It’s difficult to make sense of exactly how I feel right now so I’m just going to spew.
I am tired – tired of always being the grownup, the boss, the parent. In all areas of my life, the buck stops with me, and me alone. Emphasis on the word “alone”.
Yes, well-meaning people say “you are not alone”, but you know what? That’s not the truth for me.
I.am.very.alone.
No-one shares the endless emotional, physical and financial responsibility I have to live up to every minute of every day. It’s overwhelming.
It seems like my entire life consists of taking care of other people, running around for them, getting wrapped up their dramas, answering their questions, making sure they have what they need, looking after them. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me (I said “seems” – that is my current perception.)
And it feels like there’s nothing left for me.
It seems like I’ll forever be the one who has to give, give, give … a lot of people are sapping me dry. And it’s wearing me down into nothingness. I feel like I’ve reached the end of myself again and I have no energy to change anything.
How is it that my life is so ridiculously full, and yet so pathetically empty? It’s full of chores, duties, responsibilities and tasks. There is no fun, no leisure time, no-one to share with.
It all seems so dreary and pointless right now. It seems like I am going nowhere again. I’ve allowed this to happen and I’m angry with myself for letting myself get sucked into wasting who I am. What have I honestly got to look to forward to? Where am I going to be this time next year? In 5 years? 10 Years?
I don’t like who I am today, the sad, caged animal I have become.
I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
[Three Days Grace]
The kids are keeping me going today … there are 5 amazing young souls here – full of big life and loud, buzzing energy. I am so grateful to be surrounded by all this vitality right now.
<3
Shit.
I’m staring at my monitor, looking at all these amazing responses, trying to focus through the tears, I honestly don’t know what to say …
As Miss Boats would say, I’m trying to pull myself towards myself but I feel very “out of it” right now. Does that make sense?
Also, just to say:
Please may I borrow your Dad? God he’s wonderful.
Oh boy. Well, hell – you write down your feelings hellava well, if thats any consolation?
I suck at this kind of thing.
Feel happier soon, babe!
xoxox
My Darling Daughter,
It grieves me so much to read what you wrote in- “Sunday emo-ness”
What can I do to improve your lot?? What can YOU do to improve your lot??
I truly want and expect nothing FROM you (apart from your love & happiness), I only want good things FOR you.
It worried me when you wrote you wanted to be able to look after me.
Everything I have done in the past year and more has been aimed at trying to make sure you do not have to worry about me.
The only people I want you to worry about are yourself,Sons #1 & 2
Secondly you:
Who are these other people who expect and burden you so much and are sapping you dry.
Whoever they are you need to tell them to back off for now. You need to put yourself above everything else.
If they can’t accept or don’t understand this then it is just too bad!!
I know that you love your two boys but you need to be a whole person to nurture them.
The other thing you might want to think about is – where are you Spiritually right now??
If you want or need anything that I can help with just pick up the phone and I will be there.
All my LOVE,
Dad
Not much I can say here except good luck with everything. As always, thanks for sharing with us because I’m sure there are a lot of people that can identify with you!
mmmmm……I can think of a 1000 cheesy responses to your overwhelming life right now, but they won’t make it any better, so i won’t even try. proud of you for voicing how you feel though. it’s a good start! Son #1 is right, no one can stop you from taking over the world, just remember that you can’t do it all in one day, you have to do it one day at a time! that’s the only way i’ve survived. you’re amazing and have come so far. Thinking of you always! Lots of love me. 🙂
Ps….hows search for your much needed PA going? If I was there, I’d do it for you 🙂
Shame Sue, you know, for many years of my life I started to feel like that, that everyone would come to me and dump their problems and I was continually absorbing others problems. Then, one day, it sort of hit me and I was able to not involve myself, sometimes it’s easy, in other cases it means letting a friend go, but at the end of the day, we have to look after ourselves more than others. I really hope that you start feeling better! You have my Skype details, pop me a message whenever you want to have a chat, I’ll promise to fill you with as many smiles as possible!
“hang in there” … you’ll “find yourself” … bah
You are right my boy, I DO need to do something about it. Sitting here complaining and feeling sorry for myself and where my life is (or isn’t going) won’t change anything! You have taught me so much over the last 24 hours – only you will know what I am talking about – you are an inspiration to me.
Love you too baby
xxx
PS I think I let you watch too much Pinky and the Brain when you were little 🙂
hang in there mom…actually im sick of hearing that.
so i guess…do something about it!
you are precious, and even if you are alone, no-one can hold us back from TAKING OVER THE WORLD!
it all makes sense in my head…
chill out mommy
love you always!
p.s. your still emo 🙂
xx